Backfire
by sherlock1921
Summary: Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to.
1. Chapter 1

Backfire

Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to.

"Well" said Danny sidling up to Fiona "It looks as though Operation Keep Harry Sweet needs some work"

Fiona looked up from her desk and the spread sheets that she couldn't make head nor tail of and raised an eyebrow in silent question.

"Well" ploughed on Danny not in the least put off

"Harry came back from his meeting in such a foul mood you could almost taste it in the air. I made some teas and suggested that Ruth take one into him. It was all going so well, you know she barges in, he looks up as though he's going to kill someone, sees it's Ruth, smiles and she ends up sat across from him chatting. He calms down. Win win situation. And I swear that I saw him smiling at her!"

"So there must be a point to all this somewhere" said Adam as he sat himself on Fiona's desk, his arm draped around her shoulder.

"Well"

"Can you not start a sentence without the word _well_ Danny? Go on give it a try"interjected Fiona.

"Well" said Danny sticking his tongue out "It was all looking good but Ruth must have said something that he didn't like because she left the office smiling but after she closed the door he snapped a pencil in half and I swear he was going to throw something across his office. And he's been screaming down his phone at some poor sod for the last seven minutes. Mark my words it will be us next. We need to find out what she said and get her to put it right".

"And where is Ruth?" asked Adam.

"Gone over to Whitehall to deliver some papers and pick a few brains. Oh, and she said that she'd bring cake back with her." supplied Danny.

"Interesting" said Fiona "That means that she was quite content when she left his office...so she must have told him, asked him something that he didn't like."

As if to illustrate the point the man himself swept out of his office at that moment.

"Well what a cosy little scene this is" he sneered "Just like a nice little get together of the W.I. I am sure that the British taxpayer would be most gratified to see how seriously we take their safety. No Mr. Hunter don't get up. Far be it for me to disturb your little tete-a tête."

And with that he entered the nearest pod and disappeared from view still muttering under his breath.

The heavy silence was broken by Malcolm emerging from his little cubby hole to enquire

"What have you done to upset him now?"

"It wasn't us" the trio protested looking for all the world like naughty school children.

"If anyone's upset him it's Ruth, she was the last one to speak to him."

Malcolm sighed and looked at them as though he wanted to bash their heads together.

"When will you ever learn to leave well alone? This is not a game, just stop using Ruth to placate Harry...No good can come of it. It will all backfire on you in a spectacular fashion, mark my words! Just, just get on with some work. All of you!"

Meanwhile one of the objects of their speculation was lowering himself onto a bench situated on the Embankment. As far as he was concerned it was a good bench, it offered excellent views to the right and left and was not overlooked so it was possible to keep watch for anything unusual without it being too obvious. It was a place where he could gather his thoughts and calm himself.

As he settled himself against the backrest he played over in his mind his last conversation with his analyst. He had been in a foul mood when he'd returned from the latest unnecessary JIC meeting and was fantasising about the various methods that he could employ to do away with certain members of the committee. Ways that were inventive, painful but ultimately untraceable when Ruth had come unannounced through his door bearing a mug of tea. Looking up he said...

"You can go on courses you know."

"Courses? What courses are they Harry?"

"Oh quite simple ones really Miss Evershed. They teach you the ancient and noble art of knocking on doors. Shouldn't take you more than a couple of days to master it!"

She had smiled at him and placed the mug on his desk then made to leave and he found that he didn't want her to go. He wanted, no needed her company. He asked her to join him and she'd become flustered, explaining that she was busy with a file that she needed to understand before she headed off to Whitehall later that morning. He hadn't stopped to think but suggested she bring her tea and the file into his office and that they look at it together.

"Two heads are better than one Ruth. To coin a phrase."

She had smiled even wider then and he hoped that he saw pleasure at his suggestion in her eyes. Or maybe his inner voice said _Kidding yourself you old fool, kidding yourself!_

He'd been aware that he was attracted to her for a while. He had noticed her from the very first day when she had stumbled late and flustered into the meeting. He was going to say something to her that was cutting and sarcastic when he'd remembered the conversation he'd had about her with the head of H.R.

"Right Harry, I've managed to find you yet another analyst. It's bloody difficult because of your refusal to take part in the interview process but I think, no I am convinced that we've struck gold with this one. Just please try not to traumatise this one too much. Try to hang onto her long enough for her to find her feet and remember where her bloody desk is!"

He had been about to protest his innocence, to say that he had no idea what the man was talking about when Parsons carried on …...

"Don't even attempt to play the innocent with me Harry Pearce. You know damn well what I'm talking about. The last one lasted what forty eight hours? And the one before three weeks!. You can't keep doing this Harry: give this one a chance and I guarantee that you'll not be disappointed."

"Heard that one before" was all that he managed to say before the man carried on...

"She's brilliant Harry, she **will** be a great asset to your team if you give her a chance. She's a bit ditsy, but don't let that fool you. Just try and curb your temper and your tongue and see how it goes? Good man."

And so he'd found himself making some inane joke instead of giving her the ear bashing that would have been his normal reaction to her tardiness and clumsiness. And then she had had spoken the immortal words "Bugger the Home Office." And he'd decided that maybe it might be worth giving her a chance. As he got to know her better, began to see how well she fitted into his team, how her flashes of brilliance and insight contributed so much to their work he began to relax and allow her into the carefully constructed private space that he had built around himself.

And after a couple of months he started to realise that his interest in her was not purely professional, that he wanted more than a professional relationship with her. He tried to kid himself that he only wanted her friendship but he knew that was a lie.

She was very different from the women that usually piqued his interest and he had found it very hard to put his finger on just what it was that made him want her so much. She was beautiful, beautiful in an understated classy way made even more appealing because she didn't realise just how stunning she was. She had a brilliant mind and wasn't afraid to use it nor was she afraid to go toe to toe with him when she thought that he was wrong. She was a hard worker and was often the first one in in the morning and the last one to leave at night. Above all she was kind and loyal and it was obvious that she liked the people that she worked with, was willing to go the extra mile for them. Willing to put herself on the line for them.

He found the combination heady and exhilarating and for the first time in years he felt the need to fully possess a woman.

Of course he could have set about seducing her, she was young and he surmised quite naïve. He could have turned on the full force of the famous Pearce charm and although he knew that it might have taken him some time he would have got her into his bed eventually. Then he could have shagged her senseless and got her out of his system. Would have scratched the itch so to speak. But the more he thought about it the more sure he was that that was not what he wanted to do.

Ruth Evershed was worth so much more than that. _**They**_ were worth so much more than that. He remembered quite forcefully the first time that he had thought of them as an _us._ He 'd been attending a formal meet and greet at No 10 for the new German Ambassador when he'd been approached by a woman. In a moment he had taken her in. Tall, blonde, attractive, mid forties, just the sort of women that usually ignited his interest and the look in her eyes said that she wanted him. It would have been oh so easy to take her to bed. To indulge in just another meaningless fuck. He liked sex he always had and God willing he always would but he found that he no longer wanted the act of sex to be just worthless gratification. He wanted to make love and he wanted to make love to Ruth. He still remembered the look of bewilderment and confusion on the woman's face when he walked away from her.

Between them they had made short work of the file and had soon moved on to discussing other topics some work related some not when Ruth had asked

"Can I ask you for some advice Harry. It's work related but not entirely."

And she had blushed in that wonderful way she had and he found himself wondering not for the first time if the whole of her body blushed and if she blushed during orgasm. If **he** could make her blush as he brought her to orgasm. Trying not to stare too closely at her he had nodded and she'd taken a deep breath before saying

"How far into a relationship do you think you should be before you fill in a S 24form Harry? It all seems so cold and clinical to me and as I think you know I'm a private person and it really irks me to think of someone looking at my private life."

He felt as though someone had stabbed him. Of course he should have seen it coming. She was young, she was clever, she was attractive it was inevitable that he would not be the only man in the world who noticed her.

He managed to pull himself together and calmly ask

"So Ruth a new man in your life? Where did you meet him?"

She had raised her eyebrows at the questions and he had quickly explained that he was trying to ascertain if the form needed to be filled in yet. After that she had been much more forth coming explaining that she had in fact re-meet him the last time she went home to Exeter. That she had bumped into some old school friends who'd invited her to a dinner party and rather than spend another uncomfortable evening in with her mother and step-father she had agreed to join them.

"And there he was Harry. Hugh Logan the object of many a school girl crush, including mine." she'd blushed again at that statement.

"He was two years above me. Tall, dark and just well, just gorgeous and of course very clever. The complete package in fact. No wonder he didn't notice little me. But like a lot of girls I worshipped him from afar. Silly really. Anyway he left to travel the world for a couple of years and by the time he came back to Exeter I'd finished sixth form and was at Oxford. He went on to study medicine at Edinburgh and now he's Senior Accident and Emergency Consultant at The Royal London. That's it in a nutshell really."

"And you're seeing him, dating I mean?"

God how old fashioned that question had sounded to him. Just emphasising how much older than her he was.

"Well, we exchanged phone numbers as you do. I never thought that I'd hear from him again but he rang me a couple of days later to invite me to dinner. And it was lovely. We've been out about half a dozen times now. You know the pictures, meals, a couple of social functions at the hospital. It's been fun Harry. It's been fun to be myself, not to worry about anything other than what I should wear."

"You like him?" he had asked knowing the answer but dreading the reply.

"Yes, yes I do Harry. It's nice, restful to be in the company of someone who doesn't inhabit our crazy, stressful world. It's good to be, well to be normal I suppose."

His stomach had clenched and he was positive that he felt his heart constrict as he looked at her upturned smiling face as she spoke about this man. She should have been looking like that when she was talking about him. He should have been the one who was able to give her so much pleasure. Breathing deeply and slipping his mask in place he replied

"Well Ruth, I think you and I both know that you are past the time when you needed to file an S24 don't we? Just fill it in, give it to me and I'll see to it that it is processed."

She had smiled at him then as though he had given her the most precious gift in the world. And to add insult to injury she had lightly touched his hand mumbling grateful thanks as she picked up their empty mugs and left his office.

And Harry Pearce man of action had just sat in his chair the touch of her hand burning on his and wondered what the bloody hell he was going to do about the whole sorry mess!

 _ **t.b.c.**_


	2. Chapter 2

Backfire

Chapter Two

Ruth Evershed was happy. She couldn't quite believe that she was saying that to herself. She'd been seeing Hugh Logan for a couple of months now and it was going really well.

She'd filled in the S24 and placed it on Harry's desk and true to his word he had signed and returned it to her within forty eight hours. That weekend Hugh suggested that they take a picnic to Windsor Great Park and that seemed to her to be a great place to tell him about what she did for a living. It was a public place but there was very little chance of them being over-looked or over-heard.

They had just polished off the last fruit tarts and were laying back side by side on the car rug that they'd carried with them staring at the clouds scudding across the sky; watching the planes as they took of and made their landing approach at Heathrow speculating where they were heading and where they had been when Ruth had taken his hand in hers and said

"I need to tell you something Hugh".

He'd propped himself up on one elbow and smiled at her

"You're not going to tell me you're married with half a dozen kids are you?"

Well no" she had begun laughing.

"In that case nothing you tell me will make any difference to us. What we have is good, good for us both. It's early days I know but I can see a future, a long term future for us. So tell away Ruth."

In the end it had been easier than she had anticipated. He already knew that she'd worked at GCHQ so the step from there to Thames House hadn't seemed such an enormous leap. He'd listened intently not interrupting her once and she'd waited with bated breath to see what his reaction would be.

"So," he had said after a few long minutes"I've got myself my very own Jane Bond then? Can I expect to be shaken but not stirred on a regular basis? What a lucky boy I am!"

And with that he had pulled her on top of him whispering in her ear "Now which one of us is shaking Miss Evershed? Must be you because I think I'm definitely the one who's stirred!"

And that had been that. They'd discussed the implications in more detail over the coming days and Hugh had been more than a little pissed off when she'd confessed that he had been the subject of an investigation by Five before she was allowed to carry on seeing him, but he'd soon got over that and the kissing and making up had been very nice.

Yes all in all things were going very well indeed. There was only one blot on the landscape as far as she could see. Harry...

She'd been warned by H.R that Harry Pearce was not an easy man. That he did not suffer fools gladly, that he ran a tight ship and so on and so forth. The metaphors rolling of the man's tongue smoothly and sleekly.

She had therefore been prepared for the worst but had in fact been pleasantly surprised by her new boss. When she'd made such a show of herself at their first meeting she'd braced herself for the onslaught that she was sure would follow. But to her surprise he'd made some inane joke followed by the most endearing muttley like laugh. And in that moment she'd decided that she liked him and that she would look forward to getting to know him better. As the weeks progressed she found her confidence growing both about her role within the team and her one to one interaction with Harry. She was gratified that he gave every appearance of valuing her opinion. That he sought her out at times to talk to her about things that were concerning him. That he seemed to feel relaxed in her company. Yes working for D was all that she had hoped for and more.

As she got to know the man she had become more and more aware of how attractive he was. He was not obviously drop dead gorgeous it was true, but there was something about him. He exuded power and confidence. He commanded a room with just a look and his voice! She was not sure if he was wholly aware of it but sometimes he seemed to use his voice as a weapon as he forged ahead pushing the arguments of others aside as he strove to make his point and ultimately get his own way. At other times especially when they were alone his voice dropped to almost a caressing whisper so that she had to strain to hear what he was saying. It was almost as though he was willing her to get as close to him as she possibly could. Willing her to invade his personal space, welcoming her into that space. But the times she loved his voice the most was when he suddenly appeared behind her as she sat at her desk and he dripped words like warm molasses into her ear so only she could hear what he was saying. It didn't matter what he was talking about, the traffic situation in central London, the latest intel from Iraq, telling her to go home, his voice made it seem so intimate so warm.

She could quite easily have lost herself in that voice, that body but she was no fool. She was an analyst and a bloody good one. She had read his record and was fully aware of his history with women, women who were the polar opposites to her. She thought it highly likely that Harry Pearce was just doing what Harry Pearce did. He had been playing the game for a long time and it came as second nature to him. No he wasn't interested in her in that way but she liked to think that they were forging some sort of friendship, friendship that would be based on mutual respect and regard. Friendship that had no place for attraction.

But since their conversation in his office he had been more distant from her. He was still unfailingly polite and professional. He still listened to what she said, he still seemed to value and at times act on her opinions and assessments but, the previous warmth in their relationship had cooled. No more playful exchanges when she barged into his office unannounced. No more cosy little chats, just the two of them. And his temper was at times off the scale. He had never been an easy man but now the slightest little thing seemed to set him off. And she'd not realised just how cutting he could be.

They'd been in the meeting room in the early evening yesterday, poor Malcolm had been attempting to explain to them the ramifications of a new piece of kit he was _test driving_. Unfortunately they were all starting to glaze over, shifting in their seats as Malcolm got more and more technical.

Ruth glanced at her watch worrying that she was going to be late for her date yet again. She still worked ridiculously long hours, was usually the first one in in the morning and unless she was seeing Hugh she worked late at night but when she had a date she always tried to leave at a sensible time. National emergencies permitting of course. Her glance had obviously been seen by Harry as his voice cut through the room...

"Yes well Malcolm, thank you for that. I'm sure we all look forward to an update on the progress of your work at a later date. But it seems that tonight is not the time to go into it in more detail. It would seem that _**Ruth's**_ mind is elsewhere. Somewhere off the grid I hazard to guess. So if there's nothing else people shall we call it a night so those of you with more important plans and places to be can get off at a reasonable time? Yes? Good."

Standing he'd left the meeting room abruptly leaving his team not quite sure what had just happened.

Ruth looked at her colleagues in bewilderment. Adam shrugged his shoulders and said

"Don't mind him. Too many meetings and late nights that's all. Come on people you heard the man let's make the most of it while we can."

Sitting in his office nursing a large single malt Harry was more than aware that he had been in danger of crossing the line. Of making it clear to anyone with more than half a brain that he was more interested in the the personal and private life of his analyst than was proper.

The last few weeks had been to him akin to torture and he was a man well aware of torture and all it's many forms.

It had been bad enough when he just had the basic knowledge that Ruth was seeing the bloody man, that it was obvious to anyone with eyes to see that she was happy. Yeah gods!some mornings when she arrived for work she was almost glowing! He had taken to punishing himself by imagining what she had been doing to make her radiate happiness like that but that path was much to painful to venture down and he had quickly reined in his fevered imagination.

But of course her happiness had invaded the grid. Ruth was a popular and much loved member of the team and it was clear that they were all thrilled for her, after all it was what they all wanted. Someone to love and love them, someone who was not involved in the dirty world they inhabited but was willing to make allowances and to embrace them for who they would like to be.

When he'd found the S24 on his desk his first reaction was to stamp it **NOT APPROVED** and suffer the consequences. It had been only a fleeting thought but it had been very appealing, instead he passed it on with a note attached informing the investigating officer that he wanted Hugh Logan taken to pieces, that he wanted to know everything about the man and his history however insignificant it might first appear. He tried to tell himself that he was taking this course of action because he was protecting a valuable asset, an important member of his team but of course that was a lie. He wanted the man to be a …...Well to be anything that would make it possible for him to tell Ruth she couldn't carry on seeing him.

And then what he asked himself. As far as he was concerned the answer was glaringly obvious. Ruth would need a friend, a shoulder to cry on and he had two broad shoulders that she could make use of whenever she liked. He would be there for her, she would get over Hugh Logan and whilst she did he would just be there for her. Waiting, just waiting. He would carry on courting her, because he acknowledged in his own inept, clumsy way that was what he had been doing. Trying to show her who Harry Pearce really was, seeking for a way to make her care for him as much as he cared for her.

Courting a woman was not something that came naturally to Harry Pearce, it demanded that he gave more of himself than he was ever prepared to give. The last person that he had persuaded in that way had been Jane and then they had both been young and foolish. Had seen it as a game. He knows now that it wasn't a game it was deadly serious and he was rubbish at it! Oh he could get a woman into bed, could enjoy her and her body until he grew tired of her, until he moved onto the next conquest but when there was so much at stake, when Ruth and his future with her was at stake all his deepest insecurities and fears came to the surface and he found himself floundering like a fish out of water.

Of course when the report came back it painted the picture of a good and kind man. Everything that he was not! A man who could give his Ruth stability and balance in her life. He would be good for her.

No matter how hard he looked he could find nothing. Nothing criminal just an arrest during a student rag prank when he'd been chained to a street light with a collecting tin attached to the only article of clothing he was wearing which were a pair of French knickers. As to relationships, just a couple of long term liaisons which had ended by mutual agreement and the women involved had only good things to say about him. His professional life was just as exemplary, everyone agreed that he was a good doctor, the kind of man that you wanted on your side. And of course there was the unexpected revelation about his service to his country.

In short it seemed that the man was a bloody paragon! And so he had no choice but to give his approval and suffer the consequences.

On more than one occasion he had overheard snippets of conversation about dinner dates, what she was going to wear when she meet members of his firm at the hospital, how pleased her mother was that she had a steady boyfriend. And each time he heard these snippets it just twisted the knife a little deeper into his heart. And he had become more and more morose and bad tempered. Had cut himself off from the rest of the team, had stopped looking for any kind of friendship and affection from Ruth. He was sure that if she was kind to him it would break him once and for all.

When he finally looked out onto the grid it was empty. It seemed that everyone else in his team had somewhere to go, someone to be with. He had two choices, he could drink himself into a stupor here in his office which had become little more than a prison to him, because it was from this glass box that he watched the rest of his team interact, watched and envied the ease that they felt with each other. In the past he had accepted the barrier, welcomed it. Hidden behind it but now …... Or he could go home and at least give himself the option of dragging himself into his bed instead of collapsing on to the couch in his office.

He picked up his phone and called for his driver.


	3. Chapter 3

Backfire

Chapter Three

The party at The George was in full swing and everyone was having a good time. Ruth and the girls were doing some slightly weird dance that they assured anyone who would listen they remembered , but as they all seemed to be dancing different steps nobody believed them. The men were either propping up the bar or sitting round the table putting the world to rights. Except that was for Danny. Mr. Hunter was busy trying to chat up one of the Sisters from Hugh's department at the Royal. He'd tried the little boy lost approach and when that didn't work he'd moved onto the man about town gambit. Still no luck, he was just working out what his next move should be when Hugh Logan put his arm around the younger man's shoulders and said …...

"Can I give you a bit of advice Danny. She'll eat you for breakfast will Sister Nightingale. I commend you young man for punching above your weight but she's a bit rich for your blood, don't you think?"

"Sister Nightingale?" said Danny "Please don't tell me her name is Florence."

"No Sarah, but her nickname is Flo."

Danny looked at the retreating back of the older woman and decided that maybe he was being overly ambitious and went off to get another drink.

Hugh Logan looked around the room trying to find Ruth. He was pleased that she'd agreed it would be a good thing for them to throw a little party before his posting and it was good that they could combine both their worlds together like this. After all he thought; people from his department spent all their working lives looking after and caring for people just like Ruth and her colleagues.

Hugh had been a member of the T.A. for many years and it had been and still was a very important part of his life. He'd achieved the rank of Lieutenant Colonel in the Royal Army Medical Corps and he thought it likely that this would be his last over-seas posting. He'd been both excited and wary when he'd received his orders. Excited because he liked the adrenalin rush ( working in a busy inner city A & E department was proof of that) but also anxious about how he was going to tell Ruth.

He thought back to their conversation

"Sit down love I've got something I need to say to you and I want you to think before you get upset because I can assure you that everything will be okay. I give you my word on that."

Ruth had looked at him with wide frightened eyes and he knew that this was not going to be easy.

"I knew it was to good to be true" she whispered "But please just let me down gently. I don't want to know who she is or that you want us to stay friends. I'll get my coat and go, I'll arrange for one of the boys to collect my things."

Hugh had crossed the room swiftly before she could even stand up from the chair she had been lounging in and wrapped her in his arms.

"Sssh" he said "Stop putting two and two together and making God knows what number. It's nothing like that Ruth. I've received notification that I'm to be sent overseas with the Corp. A tour of duty most likely my last one. And after I come home I intend to spend the rest of my life proving to you just what a special person you really are. I love you Ruth you must know that but it's just something I have to do."

"Where to?"

"Afghanistan."

The word had hung in the room like an evil entity. They were both aware, very aware of the dangers that faced the troops posted to that part of the world. They both knew it was one of the most dangerous places on earth.

"You can't! They can't! You're not even a proper soldier" she'd blustered. You're a doctor and you're needed here. I'll get Harry to pull some strings, call in some favours and ..and..."

"I'm going Ruth precisely because I'm a doctor. The casualties out there need, deserve the best care that we can give them and I want to give it to them. And listen I'll be based in Camp Bastion, I'll be safe sweetheart I promise you, I'll be safe. I'm not going to take any unnecessary risks, I've got too much to lose now."

And so it was that they found themselves here: found themselves with a secret that only the two of them knew. Earlier that day they had been married. They had been talking about marriage for a while, both of them wanted children and Hugh was old fashioned enough to believe that children should be brought up in a stable home and to him that meant marriage. The posting had only spurred him on to do something about it sooner rather than later. They had talked and talked about it, but in the end Ruth agreed that they should be married before he was posted overseas and have a church blessing when he returned. So they'd had a small civil ceremony just for them and they would endure the full church thing for their families later.

Making his way to the bar he scanned the room again. He still wasn't here, not that that surprised him in the least. Arriving late after everyone else was part of the story that the _great_ Harry Pearce wove around himself. Hugh Logan didn't like Harry Pearce, had no time for him at all in much the same way as Pearce disliked and dismissed him. Their first meeting had not been auspicious, it had been here at The George and on that occasion it had been Hugh who was late. He'd stood in the doorway sweeping the room trying to spot Ruth and her co-workers amongst the crowds that were packing the space. As the throng parted he spotted them at a table towards the back of the room. Ruth was sat talking to a blonde man who he surmised must be Adam and appeared to be engaged in a friendly if not heated argument. The rest of the group at the table were chatting amongst themselves casting the occasional amused glance at the two combatants.

Sitting two seats away from Ruth was an older man, a man who even from a distance exuded power and ruthless capability. This had to be Harry Pearce. The boss. As he watched the tableau unfolding before him Hugh began to feel uneasy, not because of the spirited but friendly exchanges between Ruth and the blonde man, no what was causing him to feel edgy was the way in which Pearce (if it was indeed him) was looking at Ruth. The man's eyes never left her, his gaze swept from her face to her hands which on occasion were gesticulating wildly as she argued her corner and then back up to her face. And in that gaze was raw longing and barely suppressed passion.

At that point Ruth had spotted him, she stood and pushing her way through, grasped his hand, kissed him on the cheek and pulled him over to meet her friends. He had felt immediately welcome into the little group, it was clear that they were all very fond of his Ruth, that they were delighted that she was happy. Yes everything was going nicely until _**he**_ returned to the table. Hugh had not noticed him leave the group in the time it had taken Ruth to cross the floor and guide him to her friends and he had been too busy growing accustomed to names and faces to miss his presence until Ruth said

"And this is Harry, Hugh, Harry my boss. Harry, Hugh my fella."

The two men had held out their hands, all the time sizing each other up. They were both alpha males, both used to getting their own way, both used to being the centre of their particular kingdoms. Hugh was taller than Pearce, but not as well built and Pearce seemed to fill the space that he occupied, to exude a raw animal power that belayed his stature. It was in those first few moments that their relationship was classified as _hostile._

The rest of the evening passed pleasantly enough, lots of chatter and not a few good natured arguments. The youth of the people who worked with Ruth surprised him, he had not realised that men and women so young could be responsible for the protection and safety of so many.

Towards the end of the night he found himself talking to Malcolm, Hugh found that he really warmed to the older man, he seemed to be a gentle soul, out of place in the somewhat dark world that he imagined Ruth and her colleagues inhabited, but the more he chatted to him the more he came to understand that in his own way Malcolm was an integral part of the team, that he was a very perceptive man. He proved this point when he said out of the blue...

"Don't pay any attention to Harry. He can come across as a bit fierce I know,but he's not as bad as he makes out he is. Give him a chance, he really cares about his team. Everyone of them. He takes his responsibilities very much to heart."

"Yes, well Malcolm I don't think that we are ever going to be bosom buddies, and I think that you are astute enough to know why. Ruth has never said anything, do you think that she knows about his feelings for her?"

"Oh, you spotted that did you, of course you did. No Ruth has no idea and nor does anyone else old man. Rest assured, he won't do anything about it. It's not in his nature, if he'd been going to act on his feelings he would have done so by now. Just a word a to the wise though, don't hurt her

because..."

And here his voice had trailed off.

All subsequent meetings of the two men had followed the same pattern, they had been painfully polite towards each other, had avoided spending any alone time together at all costs. Hugh had made a point of always being as tactile as possible with Ruth when the three of them were thrown together in social situations and Harry well Harry had watched them from behind dead eyes as he drank far too much than was good for him his mood becoming more and more morose and gloomy with each mouthful.

He stood outside the entrance to The George steeling himself to enter and play his part. The part that was becoming more and more difficult. Why he wondered did he torture himself like this. His jealousy was becoming almost a living creature, it consumed him and permeated every aspect of his life. He found himself thinking of Ruth at the most inappropriate time, during meetings with the Home Secretary, during meetings of the J.I.C.

When his opposite number from Six had taken great pleasure in pointing out that Harry seemed to be _"in a world of his own"_ and then speculated as to what the cause might be he knew that he had a problem but had no idea how he was going to deal with it. Maybe now that the blasted man was going to be out of the picture for six months he could try to …...Try to do what he asked himself, sweep her off her feet? Get her transferred to an other section? No he must keep her near him at all costs. He needed her presence on The Grid as much as he needed the air that he breathed.

And then as he pushed open the door and entered the welcoming warmth and cheer of the pub he allowed his mind to wander to the thought that had been occupying him since he'd heard the news that Logan had been posted to Afghanistan.

" _ **It's a dangerous place. Anything can happen to anyone out there! Things can be made to happen out there!"**_


	4. Chapter 4

Backfire

Chapter Four

 **I owe so many thanks to everyone who has read this and especially to those of you who have reviewed and Pmd me with messages of support. Thank you all so much.**

Ruth stumbled onto The Grid, wet, cold and thoroughly fed up. The weather outside was doing it's London in January thing. Freezing cold, biting wind and just to add a little extra, bloody driving rain, rain that managed to get down the back of your neck, and she didn't even want to contemplate how wet her feet were.

She was ready to bite the head of anyone she could find but the one she really wanted to vent her feelings on was Harry. He was the one who had sent her on a wild goose chase to the Home Office. She had the distinct impression that he had been if not punishing her, then showing her who was boss by insisting that she go.

"Don't even think about not going Ruth, they have asked for you by name. I don't normally take any notice of such requests but this is a sensitive time, we need them on our side. So you will go and you will go now."

She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and turned to find Malcolm standing behind her.

"You look cheesed off. Get those wet clothes off, change your shoes, why didn't you wear your boots? No don't answer that, just change and when you come back I'll have a nice hot cup of tea waiting for you and you can tell me all about it."

Fifteen minutes later she was sat at her desk nursing her mug and feeling a lot more human. Her trip to the Home Office had proved to be pointless. They had nothing to tell her she didn't all ready know , but mindful of Harry's words she had played along and tried to look interested and concerned whilst all the time her thoughts strayed to Hugh...

It had been four months since he'd left for Afghanistan. She'd not accompanied him to R.A.F. Brize Norton to see him off, both of them felt that it would be better that they kept there goodbyes private. Ruth had been jumpy all that day and her friends on the grid had guessed why and tried to make her day as stress free as they could. Cups of tea, sandwiches and cake kept appearing on her desk and there was always someone near her if she wanted to talk. She had left early that night, not even telling Harry she was leaving, anxious to get home knowing that Hugh would have left her a message to tell her he had arrived safely.

And so the parameters of this new stage in their relationship were set. They spoke to each other via the internet and phone. And they wrote to each other every day, there was something so personal and intimate about holding a letter that Hugh had touched, it was a tangible connection to him and she treasured each and everyone she received. They became the anchor of her life, the things that made it possible to carry on. When they first started exchanging letters she had found them hard to decipher and she had pulled his leg unmercifully about the state of his handwriting. It was during one of their phone calls and he had laughed and told her that bad handwriting was one of the things that doctors excelled at, and that it was part of the mystic of the medical profession!

And of course she sent him parcels, Hugh told her how much getting things from home meant to him and all the other troops based out in Afghan so she endeavoured to make each parcel she sent as special as she could.

Each one always had to contain Marmite and Twiglets, Hugh was addicted to both. But she would also try to include something special, she sent him a small book of Persian love poems in one parcel, in another she included a 1923 copy of The Lancet that she'd found when she was rummaging around in a second hand book shop. And Hugh always made a point of telling her how much he enjoyed receiving her gifts and how much he cherished every special thing she sent him.

He told her all about the experiences he was having out there. How the trauma cases that he was dealing with were on a whole new level to what he had dealt with before and how he felt that they were making him a better doctor, a better man. How the sound of a helicopter sent the adrenalin pumping through his veins even when he knew they were not expecting any casualties. How despite his misgivings and qualms before he had arrived he was glad he was serving on the front line. And about how much he had to tell her when he got home.

She had been sitting, enjoying her tea and the chocolate digestive that had accompanied it when she noticed that the blinds to Harry's office were closed.

"Is he in his office?" she asked of no one in particular.

Danny looked up from his desk.

"Yes, he's got visitors, some bods from the War Office I think . Anyway they were in uniform. Probably something to do with that threat to attack the Household Cavalry Barracks. I'm sure he'll fill us in at the next meeting." and with that he went back to the paperwork.

Ruth was a little put out, she wanted to bollock him while she was still in the mood to give him a real piece of her mind but she knew that if the blinds were drawn not even she would get away with barging in unannounced. And the longer she sat the calmer she would become.

Her hand went automatically to the long platinum chain that she wore around her neck, on this chain she wore her wedding ring. She had decided that she wouldn't tell anyone about her marriage to Hugh until he was back, safe and sound so they could impart the good news together. And as she stroked the chain she found herself being soothed by the gentle rhythm of her fingers and the feel of the cool metal.

Maybe giving Harry a piece of her mind was a pointless exercise.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

After seeing the men from the War Office safely off The Grid he returned to his office pausing only to shout at all those present in the office

"No bloody interruptions. Do you all understand that? No one is to knock on my door, all my calls will be transferred to you Adam. I don't want to hear from anyone unless Her Majesty is in danger or there is a direct and plausible threat to the immediate security of the country! Do you all understand?"

And with that he stormed into his office slamming the door with enough force to make the wall shudder in protest.

"Bloody Hell!" remarked Danny looking up from his computer "Who or what rattled his cage? I think I might find something to do elsewhere cos' when he finally comes out of his office I don't think, no I know I don't want to be here!"

And with that he picked up his coat and stepped into the nearest Pod.

Harry Pearce had poured himself a large measure of whisky taking a large sip before he sat down and picked up the envelope that languished on his desk. It looked so innocuous, just a plain white envelope with his name scrawled across it in appalling handwriting. With trembling fingers he carefully opened it, took the sheet of paper out and unfolded it as though it might explode at any minute. Taking another sip of his whisky, he spread the letter out and began to read ...

 _Harry_

 _Well if you are reading this things have gone really badly for me and I have (well there are so many synonyms I could use here so pick your own!)_

 _Anyway the upshot (no pun intended) is that I am dead and Ruth is on her own. I have decided Harry that I want you to break the news to her, not some faceless so and so from army welfare, she deserves better than that. She needs someone who cares for her, someone who will be willing to hold her if she needs it, will be willing to take the knocks when she rails against the injustice of it all, and that person is you Harry Pearce, because you love her._

 _Believe me Harry, she hasn't got a clue, she likes and admires you, maybe at one time she had a bit of a crush on you, but she has no idea how much you love and desire her. I know because I love her, I am in love with her so I spotted the signs. We men can always spot rivals for our ladies affections can't we?_

 _Anyway Harry I am entrusting her to you because I am confident that you will stand by Ruth, will see her through this and if she sees fit will allow her to walk away from you when and if that is what she wants. I say this because I am positive that you love her enough to let her go if needs be._

 _Oh and by now Harry I am sure that you are fully aware that Ruth and I were married before I left for Afghanistan so in all things that are arranged for my funeral she will be fully included as my widow. Make sure Harry that she is not ridden rough shod over. Make sure she gets what she wants for me._

 _Make her happy if you can Harry. If that means a relationship with you all well and good, but if it means she finds someone else to care for and he cares for her let that happen. I know you love her enough to let her do that._

 _Well after reading this you must be really pissed off with me, but just remember I am even more pissed off than you!_

 _Hugh Logan._

Bloody, bloody man! That was all Harry Pearce could think as he read and re-read the letter.

He thought back over the last four months. He had been elated that Logan was out of the picture even if it was only temporarily, he had relished having Ruth back with him on the Grid alone at night when everyone else had left. He was selfishly glad that she had no where else to be, that she was as lonely as he was and that all she had was the work. He'd taken full advantage of the proximity and closeness that this state of affairs had bestowed on him. Not too often, in case it might make Ruth unsettled or spook her he'd persuaded her to share a drink with him in his office. After he had got away with that a couple of times he had upped the anti and invited her out to eat with him at a little bistro not far from Thames House.

"Come on Ruth please say yes. We both need to eat and all I've got in my fridge is a bit of sad ham and a couple of very unhappy mushrooms."

She'd laughed at his description of his fridge and agreed to his idea.

He of course had been delighted by the turn of events and had savoured every moment of the meal that they shared, he didn't even mind that she spent most of the time talking about Logan and how she missed him, about how grateful she was to everyone on the Grid for looking after her until he came home. In fact he'd sat fantasising that she was talking about him, Harry Pearce, a sad lonely old spook who had against his better judgement and a life time of experience, fallen deeply and utterly in love with this beautiful, talented, unobtainable younger woman. He was a damn fool but he could do nothing about it!

During his blackest moments he'd allowed the darkest side of his nature to take charge and had contemplated the idea that had first popped into his mind when he heard that Hugh Logan was being posted to Camp Bastion. The idea that it was quite possible for him to call in favours and …...He never even to himself put the idea into concrete form, but it was there dancing around in the deepest recesses of his brain. Tantalising and taunting him. But the better part of himself was always there on his shoulder saying quietly and calmly **,**

 **What if she finds out? You will lose everything, any slim chance that you might have with her. You will even lose her friendship.**

And so he had continued to watch her, to spend as much time with her as she would allow, to enjoy that time and to imagine how it would be to spend more time with her. To be allowed to court her, to let her see the real Harry Pearce. The Harry Pearce that had been buried so deeply by years of service, years of self sacrifice and self control. The Harry Pearce that longed to have someone to laugh with, someone who he could be himself with. Not the caricature that he felt, no knew he had become.

Now fate had given him the chance, but first he must destroy all of Ruth's hopes and dreams.

Sighing he picked up phone, dialled Adam's number

"In my office now Adam, no just you I have something to share with you and I would value your advice as to how I proceed."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

In later years when she was talking about the events that followed the death of her husband Hugh Logan, Ruth would always say that it had seemed at the time as though it was happening to someone else. That somehow she had stumbled unknowing into the pain and anguish of some other poor soul.

She always likened it to being under water, to knowing that something dreadful was unfolding in front of her but that she could not, however hard she tried make physical and emtional contact with the consequences of Hugh's death.

She told how she'd been sitting at her desk idly playing with the chain around her neck, secretly relishing the feel of her wedding ring as it danced across the sensitive skin of her cleavage; day dreaming about Hugh when Adam tapped her on her shoulder and told her that Harry wanted her in his office.

Sighing, and wondering what unwelcome disaster Harry was going to unload on her now she'd picked up her pad and pen and walked into his office. Harry was sat at his desk fiddling with the glass paperweight that had been a present from the team a couple of years before. She breathed deeply, she could read him like a book and if he felt the need to occupy himself in this mindless manner it didn't bode well. She decided that attack was the best plan...

"Look here Harry, I hope that you're not going to send me on some wild goose chase again. I've loads to do, and really some of things you've asked me to do lately have been, well to be perfectly frank they've been pointless. Have I upset you Harry? Are you punishing me for something? Because if you are..."

Her voice trailed off at this point as Harry raised his eyes from his desk and stilled his restless fingers.

"Sit down Ruth. I've got something to tell you. I'm so sorry..."

He got no further

"Hugh! Is he badly hurt? When are they bringing him home? Can I go out there? You can swing it Harry, you can do anything!"

"I'm so sorry Ruth, he's, he's dead."

After that everything blurred for Ruth. People who had been on the Grid at the time told of the cry of anguish that emanated from the office. Of Ruth erupting from said office followed closely by Harry. Of Harry gathering her into his arms and holding her close to his chest. Of him rocking her like a child while she wept. Of Harry brushing her hair as he soothed her with words that were so soft and so personal that all those who witnessed it were made to feel like intruders. Of Harry leading her gently back into his office and laying her down gently on his couch and letting her sob herself into exhausted but all to brief sleep.

When she woke Ruth was calmer, no that would have been the wrong description. She was numb and as human beings always do she set herself into survival mode. She set about grasping the practicalities of the situation so that she wouldn't have to deal with the emotional issues that she knew would overwhelm her.

"Are you perfectly sure Harry?" she asked of the pale faced anxious man sat in front of her.

"No, no mistake Ruth. I checked and double checked. I'm so sorry Ruth. If there was any way, any way at all that I could change this wretched situation I would. You know that I would."

"When will he be coming home?" the words held so much meaning. They should have been words of hope and promise but know they felt bitter in her mouth. Felt like a mockery of all they had planned and hoped for.

"He'll be flown into Brize Norton sometime within the next forty eight hours. Not sure just when yet. They'll let us know. I hope you don't mind Ruth but I told them to run everything past me first. If that's not what you want I can soon change it."

It seemed so easy to let Harry do what Harry did best she thought, let Harry take charge. He would know what to do, he wouldn't take any nonsense, he would make damn sure that her wishes were adhered to.

"Can you take me home Harry? She asked.

He readily agreed.

They drove across London in silence, Harry having decided that it was best that they didn't take his official car. Ruth needed time and space before she could face curious eyes. Pulling up outside her house he walked around to the passenger side and opened the door. Ruth sat where she was a statue lost in her own world, unseeing, unheeding. He gently touched her arm and she jumped as though he had popped a balloon behind her.

"We're here Ruth" he said "Shall I take your key and you'll need to tell me the code for the alarm. Come on let me help you out, we need to get you inside. Come on Ruth, there's a good girl." He spoke to her as though he was speaking to a child and she found it strangely comforting.

Once they were in the house and the alarm had been dealt with Harry followed her into the kitchen Looking very much like a automaton Ruth went about the familiar ritual of tea making. Harry knew that she was taking comfort in this mundane task so he allowed her get on with until they were sat at the kitchen table nursing their mugs.

"Who do you need to contact Ruth? I suppose your Mother and Step Father and then of course Hugh's family. Does he have close family? Do you want me to do it for you Ruth? Get me the numbers and I'll sort it out for you."

"No!" It was the first time she'd spoken since they'd left the Grid, apart from mumbling her alarm code. "No not today Harry, I can't cope with them today. I need to come to terms with this before I can face any of them. Nobody knows we got married Harry." Her voice broke and she dropped her face into her hands as she started to cry again.

Reaching into his pocket Harry retrieved a soft white cotton handkerchief and threaded it into Ruth's hands and waited for her to pull herself together again.

"Are you sure about that Ruth? Surely they have a right to know? Surely no one is going to blame you for getting married Ruth? Please Ruth think about it."

In the end Ruth proved just how stubborn she could be and Harry had to agree to abide by her wishes, agree that he would not contact anyone until she gave him the word. By this time she'd started to wander round the house in a desultory manner picking things up, putting them down and talking, arguing with herself. Harry had seen grief like this before and knew that Ruth really needed someone with her until her family could be gathered around her tomorrow. He was about to ask if she had anybody who could come and stay with her when she said out of the blue

"I can't stay here Harry. Can I come home with you? Please, I won't be any trouble, you'll not know I'm there. I just can't stay here. Please Harry."

"Go and pack an overnight bag Ruth" he said before he had chance to think about it. He was her friend, she was hurting. It was only when they were pulling into his drive that he began to wonder about the wisdom of his decision.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Opening his front door and ushering Ruth into his home Harry turned to re-set the alarm before he guided her gently into the kitchen seating her at the table. Busying himself with the ritual of tea making he acknowledged to himself that he really didn't know how he was going to deal with this situation. It was way beyond his usual sphere of expertise, after all he had people to do this sort of thing for him. Harry had trained himself over the years to put all thoughts of compassion and empathy to one side, it was the only way he could survive in his world.

Turning he saw that Ruth had all but collapsed in the chair and he silently cursed himself for not being more aware of her, of worrying about himself instead of the broken damaged woman in front of him. Taking her arm gently he whispered

"Come on Ruth, lets get you into bed, you need to sleep a little, yes sleep that's what you need."

And he slowly and carefully led her up the stairs to the guest bedroom. Instructing her to slip under the duvet Harry ran back down the stairs to pick up her bag and something else that he thought might comfort her. When he got back she was just sitting on the edge of the bed looking for all the world like a lost child.

"You'll get cold sat there Ruth" he said even though the room was warm and cosy. "Let me help you." and before she could reply he bent and unzipped her boots pulling them off before taking off her bulky cardigan as he pulled back the duvet. He laid her head on the pillow and slipped the wheat filled pad that he had heated in the microwave into her arms. Covering her with the duvet he turned to leave when her hand snaked out and she grasped his hand tightly

"Please don't leave me Harry" she pleaded her voice breaking as the tears began to cascade down her face once more. She tugged at his heart strings and he moved swiftly back to the bed laying on top of the covers turning her so her back was towards him. Almost by instinct he began to stroke her hair as he crooned soft words to her in a way reminiscent of how he used to sooth Catherine back to sleep when she was a child. He didn't know how long they lay there before her breathing altered and she slipped in sleep. Carefully leaving her he drew the curtains and leaving the door wide open so that he could hear if she woke he left the room.

He looked at the tea on the table, poured it down the sink and instead he reached for the single malt. Sitting in his favourite chair he ran through his to do list in his mind. It had struck him firstly when he'd pulled up outside the house and then again as he laid on the bed with Ruth that this situation was not ideal. Ruth being here alone with him in his house was the stuff of gossip never mind the circumstances. On a purely banal level his reputation and notoriety as a womaniser, however old would allow misinterpretation. Would lead to chitchat around the water cooler that could only do harm. What was that old saying " _No smoke without fire "_ and then of course he had plenty of enemies who would be more than happy to use any slander to get at him. He could almost hear them those pompous old fools who still thought that everyone was beneath them. Who thought that people like Harry and his team were riff raff to be tolerated. A necessary evil.

He could even guess with some accuracy what would be said...

" **Hear about that old goat Harry Pearce?"**

" _ **Do tell old chap"**_

" **Well seems that his analyst, you now the small brunette, decent looking. To clever for her own good. Well seems her husband was killed in Afghan. And what did Harry Pearce do? Well swept her up of course and took her to his house so he could COMFORT her!**

" _ **Oh that's what it's called these days is it? Same old Harry!"**_

None of that was important to him but Ruth and her good name was. Picking up his phone he dialled a familiar number.

When Ruth woke a while later it took her a moment to orientate herself . Her head was pounding, she felt sick and in a segment of time smaller than an instant it hit her. Hugh, her beloved Hugh was dead and the breath in her body escaped in a low primal moan that brought Harry running up the stairs to gather her into his arms, to hold her until she calmed.

"I' n sorry" was all she could manage to say.

They sat for awhile until Harry pulled back and tenderly said "Do you feel up to coming downstairs? I really think you should at least have a drink Ruth. Why don't you use the bathroom and then come down and I'll put the kettle on."

She muttered something that he didn't quite catch and he asked her to repeat it for him "Oh I just said _How British we are_ doesn't matter what happens does it? We always think that a cup of tea will help." and she got up and left the room leaving Harry sitting alone on the bed.

When she walked back into the kitchen she was surprised to see Malcolm sat there, so surprised that she started to cry again, throwing herself into Harry's arms in the process. Malcolm looked completely lost and silently mouthed to Harry, his eyes wide on alarm " She heartbroken!"

Sitting Ruth down at the table Harry pushed a mug of tea and a sandwich towards her indicating that he wasn't going to argue, that she needed something inside her. As she reached for the tea he noticed that she was now wearing her wedding ring and he indicated the fact to Malcolm who nodded, maybe, just maybe understanding the emotions that were being expressed.

"How did it happen?" Ruth asked out of the blue "Was it an IED? Why was he outside Camp Bastion.? He promised me he would keep himself safe. He promised me he would come back, that we would have a long and happy future together. What happened to him Harry?"

Taking her hand Harry asked "Do you really want to know? Right now? Are you sure Ruth?"

He took the silence as encouragement and began to speak

"It was a sniper Ruth, a clean shot." He noticed Malcolm's eyes widen at his bluntness but she had to hear this so best get it over with. "He was about five miles outside Camp Bastion. There had been an IED attack and some children had been injured, one little girl had her leg nearly severed. The Medical Corps corporal who was at the scene was convinced the leg could be saved but he didn't have the expertise to do it. He was in constant contact with Hugh who was trying to talk him through it but it wasn't working so Hugh decided to go out to the location. Well a sniper must have been waiting and he got a clear head shot. It would have been instantaneous, most likely he wasn't even aware of it."

"The little girl?"

"She's fine Ruth, It'll take some time but she'll keep her leg" said Harry wondering at the compassion and empathy of this wonderful woman that she could worry about an unknown child in Afghanistan at a time like this.

They talked for a little while longer and Ruth found that Malcolm's calm presence soothed her, she still leant on Harry, trusted Harry to take care of things but Malcolm was reassuring company. Harry asked Ruth what she intended to do about letting Hugh's family know and when she wanted to contact her mother. He waited patiently as he watched her wrestle with the enormity of it all. After a while she took a deep shuddering breath and said to them

"It's just when I tell them, when I share it with them it all becomes real. It's like this is a bad dream and any minute now I'm going to wake up and...But when I talk to Hugh's dad and sister and my mum well that's it. Will you ring my Mum for me Harry please? No forget I said that, it's too much and I'm just being a coward, I'll ring in the morning. When are they bringing him home Harry? I will be able to see him won't I?"

"Harry explained that as far as he knew Hugh would be repatriated to R.A.F. Lyneham the day after tomorrow, time to be confirmed and from there he would be transferred to the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford. He mentioned that the route taken would be through Wooton Basset and that it could be expected that many people would assemble along the route to pay their respects.

"Oh yes. I've seen it on the television it's always struck me as such a wonderful, loving thing to do. People can be so kind can't they?" and she lapsed into silence once more.

Malcolm took hold of her hand and said kindly "There are some good people in this world Ruth, doing what we do makes us cynical I'm painfully aware of that, but it shouldn't make us lose faith in the goodness of some people. Please let us help you Ruth, if I may be so bold to say this. I knew Hugh, I really liked him and I'm sure he would want us to take care of you."

"Thank you Malcolm, I'll try to remember that. Can I have a bath Harry, I need a bath and then I'm going to bed if that's okay with you?"

The sudden change of subject threw Harry for a moment but he rallied and told Ruth he would go and find her some towels and put them in the bathroom. He also told her there was some lavender bath soak waiting for her.

Ruth smiled for the first time since this morning saying "Lavender Harry, I never took you for a lavender man."

"Gift from Malcolm" he said looking slightly abashed not wanting her to know he had expressly asked Malcolm to stop and purchase it on the way knowing that Ruth would not have anything like that with her. They both left Malcolm flicking through the television channels looking for something _intelligent_ to watch,grumbling to himself about the dearth of the same.

As he was searching through the airing cupboard he felt Ruth tap him on the shoulder, turning he asked if she was okay "It's a bit embarrassing Harry, but I seem to have nothing to sleep in. Sorry can I borrow a t shirt or something? Sorry Harry, sorry"

Later that night as all three of them had gone to their respective beds Harry allowed himself to reflect on the situation and the part of him that he had spent all day suppressing came thundering to the surface. She was in his house, wearing an article of his clothing! He had held her albeit chastely as she fell to sleep and my God forgive him for even thinking it but she was single again.

Hating himself he fell into an uneasy sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

Backfire

 **Chapter Eight**

Getting up the next morning Ruth was surprised to find no Harry. Pouring herself a cup of tea she asked Malcolm where he was.

"He got a call from the Home Secretary and had to go. He asked me to take care of you, if that's okay with you of course. I wouldn't want to presume anything Ruth but anything I can help you with I will. And before you ask Mother is fine, my cousin is looking after her, will be until I give her the word so don't worry about that."

Ruth noticed a pen and paper on the worktop and picked it up, she was sure that Harry wouldn't mind. "I think that I need to make a list Malcolm, I think better when I have things in a tangible form, I'm not so good with abstracts." And she began to write.

Malcolm excused himself and left her to it telling her to call him when she was ready. He was pleased that she seemed calmer, he was sure she was still devastated but she was certainly more composed. Last night had been an emotional roller-coaster and if there was one thing that he wasn't good with it was open raw emotion. And this morning when Harry told him that he'd have to leave him to look out for Ruth he'd been panicked. He doubted if he'd be able to gather Ruth in his arms the way Harry had but then he'd thought to himself I'm not in love with her the way Harry is. He'd been really worried that she'd be bothered by Harry's absence but she seemed to have accepted it and now he thought the analyst in her had kicked in and she was dealing with the awful situation the best way she could.

Part of him felt guilty because he knew he was the cause of Harry's absence. They had had a very quiet slanging match this morning so as not to wake Ruth. It had started when Harry had begun to ask Malcolm which was the best route to Exeter.

"You can't seriously be thinking about going to Exeter with her Harry? That's totally inappropriate, given the circumstances."

Harry's head had snapped up and he had given Malcolm his best _death ray_ Grid stare "And just what do you mean by that Malcolm? Explain yourself!"

"Oh come on Harry! I'm not saying that **all** your actions are promoted by self interest but do you really think that it's fair to Ruth? Your feelings for her are as plain as the nose on your face. You know that yourself, why else did you ask me to come over and be a _chaperone?_ She's got enough on her plate at the moment without adding anything else into the mix."

Harry had of course protested and bluffed, protesting his innocence until he noticed the look on Malcolm's face. He respected Malcolm in many ways and he knew in his heart of hearts that Malcolm was spot on in his assessment. The side of him that he despised was looking to make the best of the situation, had considered how best to turn the whole sorry mess to his advantage. And at that moment Harry Pearce hated himself with a vengeance.

And Malcolm's next words only made him feel worse."I know Harry because Hugh Logan knew how you feel about her."

"Yes, I know Logan was aware, he sent me a letter telling me that he entrusted her to me, expected me to see her through this and I intend to Malcolm no matter what you say. She needs me and I will be there for her."

"As long as you are there for her Harry and not to fulfil some dream you have concocted around her, she's very vulnerable at the moment and I don't want you to be tempted to take advantage of that. NO! For once Harry just keep quiet and let me speak. Her husband has been dead less than what thirty six hours? And all ready you're trying to fill that role, maybe not overtly but definitely covertly. Damn it man it's like you're treating the whole sorry mess like an operation. Just take some time away from the situation and let the dust settle for a few days and then you can contact her again when she's safely back with her family."

"What are you accusing me of Malcolm, do you think that I would take the chance to pursue her? To take her to my bed? To offer her the ultimate comfort? If you think like that Malcolm you don't know my Ruth very well! She would never in a million years countenance such actions, she would never, ever do anything like that!"

"There we have it Harry, you said it yourself _My Ruth_ , she's not _Your Ruth_ Harry. I sincerely hope, if it's what you both want that she is one day but now is not the time to be thinking along those lines. Go into work I'll take care of her until we can get her down to Exeter and back in the care of her family. Take a step back, you've done the right thing up to now Harry and she has no idea about your feelings, let's keep it that way, for both your sakes but especially for Ruth's.

Harry had huffed and puffed for a while longer but in the end he'd agreed that Malcolm was probably right and had headed out of the front door and back to the team to tell them the awful news.

Re-entering the room Malcolm saw that Ruth was still sitting at the table but that she looked composed and quieted nearly like the Ruth who inhabited the Grid. He asked her if she had made any decisions and if she had how could he help her?

"I need to go to Exeter Malcolm, I need to go back to my house pack a bag and go down to Exeter. What I need to say needs to be said face to face and it needs to be said soon. I was selfish yesterday, people other than me will be just as shattered as I am by this and I need to be there to comfort them. It will be awful but I have to do it. Can you take me home Malcolm please?"

And so it was that about four hours later Malcolm pulled the car into a quiet street in a pleasant suburb on the outskirts of Exeter. Ruth leant over and kissed Malcolm softly on the cheek saying "Thank you for being so kind Malcolm and thank everyone else for me as well. Oh and tell Harry I'll be in touch." And taking a deep breath she got out of the car, picked up her bag and walked up the drive.

Malcolm watched as an older woman who he surmised was Ruth mother opened the front door and said a few words looking over Ruth's shoulder at him. He drove away leaving Ruth in safe hands. About a mile down the road he pulled over and took out his phone "She's home Harry" was all he said before he hung up and pointed the car in the direction of London.

Ruth never did really talk about what went on that day, it became something that she chose to put into a box somewhere, a box that she didn't take out and open at all if she could help it. Her mother as she had predicted to herself was near hysterical when she told her the news, hysteria made worse when Ruth explained that the reason she knew first was because she and Hugh were married. Her mother was angry with her then, angry that she could do something so life changing without sharing it with her. But thought Ruth at the time anger is better than pity.

Hugh's father was much more stoic about the whole thing, he was old school and Ruth knew that although the man was crushed he would not express that devastation in public, that his anguish was not for public consumption. He thanked Ruth and asked her if he could tell his daughter the news and then calmly asked when his son would be coming home. Ruth found that she could draw great strength from the older man and that over the next few days they leant on each other. It was all very subtle, a passed handkerchief here, a cup of tea made there, a glance exchanged at times of ultimate stress. But it helped.

Just as Harry had said in the early morning of the third day after the news of his death was released the body of Lieutenant Colonel Hugh Logan came home to RAF Lyenham draped in the flag of the country he served and ultimately died for. Ruth watched as the soldiers assigned to take his coffin from the plane carefully and with such reverence it was almost painful to watch carried her Hugh to the waiting hearse. She was surrounded by her family, members of Hugh's family and colleagues from the hospital. She had hoped to see Harry but he had not appeared, had not been in touch since the morning she left his home. Had not even replied to the note of thanks she had scribbled for him. She had of course put all this down to some crisis at work and left it at that. She had more pressing matters to attend to.

What she didn't know was that Harry Pearce was standing not two hundred yards away from her, dressed in the uniform of a major in the British army, blending into the background, just observing. His natural instincts were to push to the front of the grieving crowd and gather _his Ruth_ into his arms and tell her that he would make it all right, that he would take care of her but of course self control and self restraint forbade him from doing anything as foolish as that. No instead he just blended seamlessly into the background, observing and wondering at the quiet calm and serenity of this remarkable woman who he loved more than life itself.

As the cortège made the short journey from the RAF station to Wootton Bassett Ruth still felt as though she was playing a part, that none of this was in any way real and that soon she would wake up and share this nightmare with Hugh. If only someone would pinch her!

As Harry had predicted the streets of the town were lined with people wishing to pay homage to yet another British serviceman killed in the name of his country, the cortège slowed down to walking pace and onlookers darted out to place floral tributes on the hearse, sometimes a single rose, other times a spray of flowers. Ruth could see that the crowd was made up of all generations. There were old men who were members of the Royal British Legion, old warriors who had served their country come to pay homage to one of their own right down to school children perhaps learning a hard life lesson. And strangely for a small market town in the middle of rural England there was applause as they passed. Applause and tears, a strange and moving combination.

As the cortège reached the edge of the town the ushers jumped from the cars and carefully removed every floral tribute from the hearse and other cars placing them in a large box securing them safely in the boot of one of the following limousines. Everything was done with such respect that it took Ruth's breath away. Now they turned onto an A road and everything sped up and in just over an hour they were pulling into the grounds of the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford. Ruth knew that there would be a post-mortem before Hugh's body could be released for burial. Before he could be given back to those who loved him.

And then it would be time to say the final goodbye.


	9. Chapter 9

Backfire

Chapter Nine

The inquest on Lieutenant Colonel Hugh Logan was formally opened, adjourned and his body released for burial. Thankfully he'd already been identified and tagged in Afghanistan so the family were saved from the ordeal of formally identifying him.

There was some debate amongst the family as to when and where Hugh should be laid to rest but Ruth was adamant about one thing Hugh would be cremated. They'd discussed it one night after Hugh had spent a whole shift at the hospital dealing with the aftermath of a major RTA and maybe because he had been once again forcefully reminded of the mortality of man he'd made Ruth promise she would carry out his wishes. The subject of the funeral itself was thrown into some disarray when they were approached by the army welfare officer assigned to them with a request that the service take place in Exeter cathedral, a place that nobody had thought about.

After lots of deliberation it was decided that a service of remembrance to celebrate Hugh's life and sacrifice would take place in the cathedral but that the actual funeral service would be a private affair that would take place later the same day. And after that it was easier to let them have their way. Hugh's father was happy to let them deal with it all and he had almost pleaded with her to let them deal with everything. They'd spent a lot of time together and Jack Logan had been kindness it's self to Ruth, but she knew that like her mother he was having trouble coming to terms with the fact that Hugh and Ruth had married and the reasons why they'd done it. One of her darkest moments had been when Jack Logan had quietly asked Ruth if she was pregnant, the hope so naked in the man's eyes it was almost physically painful. Ruth knew that he would have worked out that it was very unlikely but like a drowning man he was clutching at straws.

Ruth's mother alternated from being a tower of strength to a quivering mass of jelly. Obsessing about seating arrangements, floral tributes and the cause of one major argument between them whether Ruth should wear a hat to the service in the cathedral. Ruth knew that like Jack Logan she was dealing with it in her own way but she just wished that she had someone to lean on, someone who wasn't looking for anything from her. She had not really cried since she left London, she'd held it together because that's what she thought was expected of her but she hurt so much. She'd never realised before that grief and loss could manifest themselves as physical pain.

The night before the funeral she paid her husband one last visit. She'd again argued with her mother when she'd told her that she was going to be the last person to see Hugh, that she was going to leave instructions that no one else would be allowed in after she left him. Her mother had accused her of being selfish, of wanting to be the centre of attention, of not thinking of others and so it went on until Ruth could take no more. She'd left her mother near hysteria;ranting at the world and it's injustices, left the house, got into her car and driven to a quiet spot that she remembered from her childhood. A place that her father used to bring her, taking out her phone she dialled a familiar number and prayed that he would answer. After three rings she was relieved to hear those comforting tones.

"Oh Malcolm! It's so good to hear your voice, talk to me before I go crazy. I don't think I can take much more of this. I honestly don't." And she began to cry once more. Calming herself she apologised and sniffed rummaging in the glove compartment for a clean hanky. Blowing her nose she asked Malcolm how everyone was, "Tell me something mundane Malcolm " she said "What's Danny been up to, still chasing that girl from cryptology? God I miss you all. Can any of you get down tomorrow, I'll understand if you can't. I know you'll all have to be discreet but if you can come try and make yourselves known."

Malcolm sat across the desk from Harry wondering what twist of serendipity had made her ring while he was briefing Harry. Harry's face was blank but Malcolm knew what he was thinking. He was wondering why she'd chosen to speak to him instead of Harry, after all Harry was the one she'd turned to first. He stood and indicated that he would continue the call somewhere else and left the office.

Harry watched as Malcolm pulled the door behind him still chatting to Ruth, soothing her, calming her. That was his job, he'd decided that the night she slept at his house but how to get her to realise that fact. And then he made up his mind about something he'd been wrestling with for days. He would if at all possible attend the service tomorrow. How could Ruth understand that he was there for her, that his shoulder and the rest of him was at her disposal if they had no contact. And a plan began to form in his mind.

After she'd spoken to Malcolm, Ruth felt calmer, he'd assured her that barring a major incident they all intended to be there at the service, that they'd already been allocated their seats, not all together because that would be too risky but that they'd be there for her. He'd slipped in a couple of light-hearted anecdotes about his mother and the exchanges they'd had and they'd laughed together about them promising to swap notes and tips on the management of mothers when they next meet.

Feeling much stronger Ruth made her way to the Chapel of Rest. She was only kept waiting a few minuets before she was ushered into the room where Hugh's coffin was ready for viewing. She hesitated at the door until it was closed quietly behind her and it was just the two of them. Walking forward she looked at that dear face, ice white like alabaster. She'd been assured by the welfare officer that Hugh had not been disfigured in any way. By some fluke the trajectory of the bullet that took Hugh's life had exited through the top of his skull so there was no visible damage to his face. Ruth was selfishly grateful for that as she didn't want the last image of her beloved husband to be one she'd want to forget.

She didn't know how long she spent with her husband talking about silly inconsequential things, things that she knew would have made him laugh, things that meant so much to them but would have made no sense to anyone else. She made promises to him, promises that she didn't know if she could keep but that were important to her at that moment, their last moment together. And all the time her tears fell unheeded onto his beloved face. Taking his cold, oh so cold hand she carefully placed into his palm one of the wild flowers he'd picked for her the day they'd picnicked at Windsor Great Park. The day he called her his own _Jane Bond._ This was joined by one of the roses from her wedding bouquet. And then with one last kiss on his lips she whispered goodbye and left him without a backward glance.

The next day she was thankful that all she seemed to need to do was to be there. Everything was choreographed with military precision and all she had to do was follow the prompts. She was proud that she kept it together so well. The only time she nearly lost it was when the voices of the congregation joined together in singing "I vow to thee my country". It seemed to her that she'd created an island of calm around herself and that if she closed her eyes really tightly she could feel Hugh standing beside her, telling her how well she was doing. How proud he was of her.

Following the cortège as it left the cathedral after the service she spied Danny and Fiona and near the door stood Malcolm looking strong and resolute. They had come and she was so grateful. It made her feel stronger just to know they cared for her. They did not speak to one another, there was no need for words they had come and that was enough.

And then just as they exited into the fresh air and faced the crowds of ordinary people who had come to pay their respects to a brave man there stood Harry. For one brief moment she wanted to fling herself into his arms and cry herself into oblivion. He smiled at her and placed his hand over his heart before indicating that she should ring him. She lowered her eyes and when she looked for him again he'd vanished into the crowds.

 **I just want to say thank you to everybody who has read this story and an especial thank you to all of you who have left feedback.**


	10. Chapter 10

Backfire

Chapter Ten

 **Not a lot happens in this chapter but I felt that I needed it to link Exeter and London back together if that makes any sense at all! This has been very hard going and I'm not sure it it works or that what's in my head has translated onto the page but I have written and re-written it so many times I just can't go on tweaking it or I might abandon it altogether and never finish it.**

 **Still don't know what the ending will be!**

Ruth closed the door firmly behind her and after re-setting the alarm allowed herself to relax. To relax for the first time in what seemed like forever. She was home and she could once more be herself . Or at least she could begin the long journey on the road to finding who she was now.

It had been her intention to leave Exeter the day after the funeral services, to return to London and claim the anonymity that a big city could offer but of course that was not to be. She found that both mentally and physically she was unable to summon up the strength to fight against the obligations that seemed to be heaped upon her. There were plenty of people who wanted to help on both sides of the family but it seemed to Ruth that she was the one who always ended up helping them. That she was the one who offered words of comfort and support and as the days went by she found it more and more debilitating, found it more and more difficult to break away.

And then her mother had started to talk about Ruth moving back to Exeter, speculating that Ruth could live with her and her step father at first and then maybe get a _nice little place_ not to far away so they could be there for each other. That was when Ruth knew she had to make the break or she thought I'll be here until I either go mad or kill my Mother!. The scene at Exeter railway station had been strained and tense as they bid each other good bye. Ruth's mother could not or would not understand why her daughter felt that it was necessary to leave all her family and friends behind when she needed them most; and Ruth couldn't explain that in fact she was returning to her family and friends

. Her family and friends on The Grid.

Moving further into the house she noticed that it smelt clean and fresh as though someone had been in and cleaned and aired it through, and there seemed to be a wonderful aroma emanating from the kitchen. Leaving her bag at the bottom of the stairs she pushed open the door and the first thing she saw was a large bouquet of flowers on the kitchen table. Picking up the attached card she read

" _ **From us all**_

 _ **Whenever or Where ever you need us**_

 _ **We'll be there for you.**_

 _ **We love you."**_

She clutched the card to herself, she didn't need to be told who the flowers were from she knew. There was an envelope tucked under the flowers and picking it up she saw her name scrawled across it in handwriting that could only belong to Harry. Dear Harry she thought I've treated him very badly these past few weeks and she sighed as she ripped open the letter

 _ **Dear Ruth**_ it read **_Please don't think too badly of us for breaking into your house and don't enquire too closely how we knew that you'd be coming home today but we couldn't let you come home to a cold, grubby house. There's a casserole in the slow cooker (don't worry I didn't have anything to do with it!) Danny has put the heating on for you so the house should be warm and cosy, it turned out that was the sum total of his contribution! I worry about that boy and his ability to function in the real world. Fiona and Adam have cleaned everything and I've done a jolly good job of supervising._**

 _ **When you feel ready or have the need to talk or need assistance with absolutely anything you have my number Ruth. Call me any time night or day.**_

 _ **Think ing of you Harry & Co.**_

Later as she trudged up the stairs after eating some of the delicious casserole and having a couple of glasses of wine that had miraculously appeared in her fridge along with eggs, cheese, butter and lots of fresh fruit and vegetables not to mention fresh bread and a note to say that a supermarket shop would be delivered the next morning she thought how lucky she was to have such good friends.

She had been worried that she would find sleep difficult but after a bath and a quick call to her mother to tell her she was safely home she drifted off into a strangely calm and tranquil sleep. Her dreams filled with happy memories of Hugh and his laughter.

Harry knew she was home, he tracked her from the railway station on the CCTV cameras, He told himself he wasn't stalking her, that he was just concerned about the welfare of a much valued team member. And then something that hadn't even crossed his mind struck him. What if she didn't want to come back? What if she decided that she needed to make a clean break and start a new life with no reminders of the past. Well he thought that's not going to happen! He'd left her the note and the flowers and he would wait for her to contact him but he'd make sure that other members of the team kept an eye on her until she did.

The next morning Ruth was packing away her shopping when there was a knock on her front door, half of her wanted to ignore it, she was enjoying the solitude after the drama and raw emotion of Exeter but then door bell rang and her resolve faded. Opening the door she was pleased to see Malcolm standing there with a slightly apologetic look on his face, smiling she ushered him into the hall and told him to go through to the kitchen. As she made tea and placed some digestive and ginger nut biscuits on a plate she asked him how he was

"Sorry to pop in unannounced Ruth" he said "But I was honestly passing the end of your street and on the spur of the moment decided to see if you wanted anything? Anything at all. Tell me to sod off if you like Ruth but …..."

"No its nice to see you Malcolm, don't take this the wrong way but you're a nice slow, easy introduction into the real world."

"I've been described as many things in my time Ruth but slow and easy is new!" he replied, smiling warmly at her as he dunked a ginger nut into his tea.

"I didn't mean it like that Malcolm and you know it, God it's nice to talk to someone who isn't going to get all emotional on me! Who isn't watching to see if I'm going to collapse into floods of tears because they say something that might tip me over the edge. I tell you Malcolm it's like I've been playing a role, a role that I didn't bloody want. Ever since Harry called me into his office and broke the news part of me has detached itself from reality. That's why I had to come back to London, that and the very good chance that I was going to kill my Mother!

Not saying anything Malcolm reached over and squeezed her hand gently and that sat in silence for a few minutes the only sound the distant hum of traffic and the ticking of the kitchen clock.

"Are you coming back to the Grid?"

Malcolm blurted out, knowing that when he told Harry he'd been to see Ruth that would be the first thing he would ask about. Harry had been like a cat on a hot tin roof since he knew that Ruth was coming back to London and hopefully back to work. Malcolm felt torn he didn't want to put any pressure on Ruth but at the same time Harry was a good friend and he was so desperate to have news of the woman sat across from him and her plans.

"Yes, yes of course" replied Ruth, not really understanding why Malcolm found it necessary to ask the question. She thought it would be obvious to everyone that she would go back to work. She needed that grounding of real life, of coping with other peoples troubles and traumas to enable her to cope with the coming days, weeks, months and years.

"Yes of course" she said once more "But not today or tomorrow, there are things that I have to do, places I have to visit..." Here her voice trailed off and she went and stood by the sink staring out of the window lost in a world of her own.

Malcolm took this as his cue to leave. As Ruth saw him to the door she thanked him for coming and said quietly

"Please tell Harry I got his note and that I'll ring him in a couple of days."


	11. Chapter 11

Backfire

Chapter Eleven

 **I hope you all had a very good time over Christmas and that Santa was good to you! Here's a little present from me!**

Harry sat at his desk, eyes wandering to Ruth's desk; still unoccupied. There had been a bit of a incident a few days ago when a temporary analyst seconded from another section had come in, plonked themselves down at Ruth's work station and started to unceremoniously push things into a cardboard box she had with her. After adjusting the height of the chair she'd then twirled round once taking in the rest of the Grid. Seemingly satisfied she stood and made her way towards the kitchen area. He had been on his feet and half way through his door before Adam had intercepted him.

"I know I saw her Harry, I'll have a word and put her straight. I make sure she puts everything back where she found it and I'm sure you can tweak it a bit if it needs it. I'll do it now, do you want a cup of tea Harry? Which is your mug and remind me how do you take it?"

The woman didn't come in the next day. She was replaced by an older man, someone Malcolm knew, he'd found himself a place of the periphery of the Grid and blended in well. He was good at what he did but without the brilliance of Ruth and Harry knew that they were missing that brilliance and insight.

But of course he reflected it wasn't just her contribution as an analyst that was lacking, he was missing her on a personal level. She,he reflected wouldn't need to ask how he took his tea, she wouldn't even ask if he needed a tea, she seemed to instinctively know when he needed that boost. She was, he thought the closest he had come to having a best friend for very many years and he wanted his friend back. Of course he wanted more than that, much more but friendship would do for starters. Malcolm had told him she would call him and for the first couple of days he'd been filled with hope and anticipation every time his phone rang, but still she hadn't contacted him and he didn't know what to do for the best. Should he leave her or jump right in and be the one to make contact?

His phone rang and he snatched it up "Harry Pearce" he barked wondering if it would be a boring meeting or a terrorist attack that would be claiming his time and attention.

"Harry?" said a hesitant voice "I'm sorry did I ring at a bad time? I can call back if it's not convenient. Sorry".

Taking a death breath he calmed himself before he spoke "Ruth, it's wonderful to hear from you. How can I help you Ruth? I meant it you know whenever or where ever you need me I'll be there." Even as he was speaking he could hear in his own head how needy he sounded but the sentiments he was expressing were true and he could feel the very real need he had to see her again was vibrating through him.

Ruth though didn't seem to hear anything out of the ordinary in his words or the tone of them. Of course he chastised himself she would still be grieving, still be deep within herself and once more he cursed himself and his selfishness for making him think she would even have given him a passing thought in the past few weeks. As he took a deep breath and controlled himself he heard her say that she'd like to meet and talk if that was okay with him and he suggested the bench that he thought of as **their** bench, chastising himself silently as a foolish old man even as the thought crossed his mind.

As he walked towards the bench he cast his gaze over her. She looked beautiful he thought and his chest tightened at the sight of her. She stood when she saw him and they embraced as two friends would, feeling bold Harry kissed her lightly on the cheek before she indicated that they should sit.

"Have you eaten Harry?" she asked "I thought not." And reaching to the side of the bench she produced two bags. "Lunch Harry. BLT okay for you or do you want the chicken and stuffing, or even better share half and half? And here's a tea just the way you like it." And she smiled that wonderful smile at him. The smile that lit up his life.

They sat in comfortable silence. Harry realised he was ravenous and polished off his food in record time, smiling at him Ruth reached down again and handed him a small bag containing a sticky bun and a wet wipe .

He laughed as he took them both saying "I can eat without making a mess Ruth, but maybe you're right I don't want sticky hands when I meet the Home Secretary do I?"

When they finished their impromptu picnic Harry enquired if she was coping and if she needed anything.

"Well two things really Harry. I'd like to come back to work as soon as I can. Keeping busy is what I need right now,I'm going slowly mad at home. My own company is not conducive to my peace of mind at the moment and" here she paused "Well Harry I've received a letter from Hugh's solicitor and I'd like it very much if you'd come with me. If you can't I'll understand of course."

He'd been focusing on the fact she wanted to return to work and he almost missed her request but he rallied and immediately agreed that he would be honoured to accompany her. And that as soon as she had made the appointment she should let him know,suggesting that maybe she should postpone returning to work until she'd see the solicitor. Taking out her phone Ruth dialled a number and it was obvious who she was talking to.

"Tomorrow evening at six okay with you Harry?"

He agreed that would be fine and his mind was racing as he toyed with the idea of asking her to eat with him after the solicitor. It would be early enough not to be considered a dinner date it could just be an early supper between friends. And in his mind he began re-arranging his appointments in order to make it work.

Leaving the solicitors officer the next evening Ruth was very quiet. "Are you okay Ruth, shall we find a pub that serves food, have a drink something to eat and we, you can digest the information."

As they sat sipping their drinks, waiting for their food to arrive Ruth said "I didn't expect that Harry." I had no idea that he was so wealthy, I knew he had his flat and that was worth a bit but all those stocks and shares! Where did it come from and what am I going to do with it?" And she took a long sip of her wine.

"Well" said Harry "The solicitor seemed to think that Hugh liked to play the stock market, it was a bit of a hobby and he seemed to be particularly good at it. Didn't you hear him telling us that Ruth?"

"I think I'd zoned out by then Harry, I'm pleased you were with me. You're a God send Harry Pearce." And she reached over to quickly squeeze his hand. Harry looked down at the brief contact that had been made between them and stored it away in his memories of Ruth, to be taken out and examined at times of need and stress.

Thoughts of Ruth always calmed him.

The waiter arrived with their food and they changed the subject as Ruth said she needed some time to absorb this other new state of affairs and of course there was a huge elephant in the room. An envelope that the solicitor had handed to Ruth informing her that her husband had left it with them, with instructions that it should only be handed to her in the event of his death.

Deciding to take the conversation in an entirely different direction Harry asked Ruth when she wanted to return. She said that she fancied tomorrow but thought that was a bit unrealistic looking at Harry for confirmation. After some discussion they decided that as this was a Thursday the following Monday would be a good idea.

Leaving the pub Harry asked if Ruth would allow him to escort her home. He held his breath as he could see her thinking about his request "Yes Harry, I think that would be very nice, of course I could take the bus, but tonight I'd like you to take me home."

Sitting in the back of the taxi neither spoke. Ruth was thinking about the envelope burning a hole in her handbag and Harry was thinking it would be only three more days before he had her back in his life. Was thinking about the fact that he would be seeing her every day.

Ruth closed the door behind her. Harry ever the gentleman had walked her to the door and made sure she was safely inside before he bade her good night and walked back to the cab. He turned when he reached the garden gate and said

"Shut and lock the door Ruth, I'll call you on Sunday, but you can call me before then if you need anything."

Walking through to make herself a hot drink she placed her handbag on the work top taking out the envelope looking at it as though it might bite her. She'd not thought of the possibility that Hugh would leave her a letter, after all they'd both been so sure that he would be coming back. But maybe she thought Hugh had been the more astute and level headed of the two. Maybe she thought I was just too stupid or afraid to contemplate that the worst could happen.

As she sat and sipped her tea she stared at the envelope and decided that she was certainly pleased that Harry had been with her this evening. Learning that Hugh had been a bit of a financial genius had been strange enough, she still couldn't quite believe how much money he had left her but the letter on top of that would have surely sent her over the edge if it hadn't have been for Harry's calming presence. It was Harry who'd asked relevant questions and gleaned information from the solicitor. Who'd instructed the man to put everything he'd told them in writing, _in plain English._ He had been a true friend and she would always be grateful to him for his support and kindness.

Taking a deep breath she stood and snatched at the envelope quickly but carefully opening it before she had time to change her mind

 _My darling girl_ it read _If you're reading this I have been unspeakably selfish and got myself killed._

 _Please believe me my love that all I have ever wanted since that wonderful day we found each other again in Exeter is to spend the rest of my life with you. You have become the centre of my universe Ruth. You are beautiful, kind, loving and bloody sexy and I treasure every moment that I have been lucky enough to spend with you_

 _. Even when you were driving me up the wall because you'd moved my copy of The Lancet or remember the time you washed my good white shirts with those bright pink knickers of yours? Even then when I was beside myself I loved you,especially when you came to bed that night wearing the offending knickers and one of the newly dyed pink shirts!_

 _That was quite a night Ruth!_

 _I hope the money hasn't come as too much of a shock. It's just a hobby really, a hobby that seems to have paid dividends. I was surprised when I checked and found out how much was in the account but it's yours now so do what you want with it. Spend it, donate it, give it away it's yours my love._

 _Be happy Ruth, mourn me. I know you'll do that but not for too long. You are a young vibrant woman and you have so many years ahead of you I don't want you to spend them alone Promise me that you'll allow yourself the chance to fall in love again. Live your life Ruth not in the past with me but look to the future. It may be closer than you think._

 _I have and always will love you Ruth Evershed Logan._

 _Thank You for being mine_

 _Hugh_

Flinging the letter to one side she collapsed into fits of tears once more. She'd been trying not to cry as much, it was exhausting and she was trying so very hard to get herself back on some sort of even keel but once more she'd been caught unawares by her shattered emotions. She still had to go to the hospital and collect Hugh's belongings and then they would need to be gone through and decisions made. How was she going to tackle that? The longer she put it off the worse it was going to be. The hospital management whilst not actually saying it had been hinting that they really needed access to Hugh's office so it would have to be tackled soon.

She smiled when she thought of Hugh's attitude to his office, it was very similar to Harry's. He'd only spent time in it when it'd been absolutely necessary much preferring to be with his staff, involved in the hard, rewarding work of his department. Sniffing and wiping her eyes she thought about what Harry had said to her...

 _ **When ever or where ever you need me I'll be there for you**_

Putting her mug in the sink she picked up the letter to put it safely with all the other mementoes of Hugh she collected over the past few weeks and made her way upstairs having decided she'd ring Harry tomorrow to ask him to go with her to the hospital on Sunday.


	12. Chapter 12

Backfire

Chapter Twelve

Ruth and Harry followed the man down the echoing corridor. Hugh's office was situated in one of the older buildings that made up the hospital. The actual Accident & Emergency Department was a brand spanking new building all gleaming surfaces and glass but Hugh and many of the other Consultants preferred to have their offices in the quiet elegance the older buildings offered. The man stopped at a door , unlocking it before saying

"I've been instructed to leave you the key Mrs. Logan, can you please return it to the porters lodge when you leave? And can I say on behalf of the portering service how sorry we are for your loss. Hugh Logan was a gentleman and a fine doctor and we were all proud to have known him."

Ruth stood just inside the office as Harry took the key, thanked the man and confirmed the key would be returned. There were boxes ready for them to pack and stickers so they could decide which pieces of furniture and pictures Ruth wanted to keep.

"Oh Harry" she said "Where do I start? I have no idea what to keep. I need to keep it all, I can't get rid of anything but where am I going to keep it? And Hugh's father and sister might want some of it. How on earth can I make decisions for them?" and she sat down heavily on a sofa by the window putting her head in her hands.

Harry pulled a chair up close to hers, but not to close and said firmly "Don't worry about that Ruth, we, you can arrange to take it all, down to every last paper clip if you want. I thought you might be faced with something like this so I arranged to have a storage facility and transport ready in case they were needed. You can then look at things later when you feel stronger and you can arrange for family to see it as well."

Ruth looked at Harry with gratitude and picked up one box which she began to fill with items that she wanted to take home with her then and there. Hugh's hospital name badge, a photo of the two of them that had pride of place on his desk, a bronze highland cow that he'd bought while he was at medical school in Edinburgh were amongst the things that she carefully placed in the box before they left the room. Harry told her not to worry about the rest of the stuff he would sort out the clearance and transportation and that she was not to even think about the cost he would sort it. She laughed ruefully at that and said to him that she thought she could probably afford to pay after the shock news at the solicitor and asked him to pass all the bills on to her.

As Harry dropped her at her door a small voice in his head was pleading with her to invite him in for a drink but she didn't. She just thanked him, told him he was a true friend and that she'd see him in the morning.

As he drove away he told himself that it was for the best; that she needed time and space to come to terms with her new life and circumstances, that he would have to be patient. And after all patience was something that Harry Pearce had in abundance.

Walking into Thames House the next morning Ruth was overwhelmed by the ordinariness of the situation and remembering the last morning she had done this she had to swallow down a sob. The last time she had approached the security desk to show her pass as far as she was concerned Hugh had still been alive, when in fact he'd already been dead.

"Welcome back Ms. Evershed" said the guard as he gave her pass a cursory glance. "Can I say on behalf of me and the lads how sorry we are, and, and if we can do anything, anything at all for you just let us know."

Smiling the smile that she had perfected over the past few weeks whenever condolences were expressed to her Ruth thanked the man and hurried away so that he wouldn't be able to see that the smile never reached her eyes. This was going to be more difficult than she had imagined. In a split second she decided that she would take the stairs, she couldn't risk being trapped in the lift with people who felt obliged to say something to her even though they had no idea what they should be saying. She had experienced enough times like that in Exeter and then again when she'd meet Hugh's colleagues from the all she and they had thought that her place and identity in the world was fixed and secure but now her world had been tilted on it's axis and finding her new place in it would be hard.

Stepping through the pods she looked across to Harry's office and there he sat, already at his desk pouring over a pile of paperwork. She knew he'd be grumpy, he hated "bloody paperwork!" with a vengeance and took every chance he had to tell her he did. That small thought made her smile, maybe it was the normality of it, maybe it was the fact that she could do a simple thing for him that would hopefully make him feel a bit better. And with that in mind ten minutes later she pushed open his door bearing a mug of tea and a plate of biscuits. Harry looked up from his desk, saw her and a broad grin transformed his face "Ruth, you're a life saver" he said before his face crumbled and he blurted out "Yeah Gods and little fishes Ruth, I'm so sorry what a crass and insensitive thing to say, I'm sorry please forgive me. I'm a bloody fool!"

Ruth placed the mug and plate on Harry's desk and left the office returning a few moments later with her own drink. Sitting opposite him she said

"Don't be silly Harry, do you know you're the only person besides Malcolm that's not treated me like I'm made of cut glass that will shatter at any moment since, since. And that's been such help Harry, I need that semblance of normality, I really do. So there's nothing to forgive. Now let's drink our tea and you can bring me up to speed before everyone else arrives and all hell breaks loose."

And so it was that when the other members of Section D arrived for work they were greeted with the welcome and familiar sight of the section head and his senior analyst sat together deep in conversation and they were all comforted and reassured by it for they knew that by her mere presence Ruth would calm Harry.

Ruth found it surprisingly easy to slot back into her role on the Grid, the analyst who had been covering for her had proved to be thorough if a little pedestrian and the notes he'd handed over had been adequate although it didn't take Ruth long to pick up on a couple of things he'd missed. Things that were not at first obvious but that with a little imagination and original thinking were evident. Each night Harry had made a point of being on the Grid to make sure she'd left at a reasonable time. He could tell she was exhausted and on a couple of occasions it had been on the tip of his tongue to offer to take her home but common sense prevailed and he kept his thoughts to himself, even though one night he'd asked Malcolm to take her.

And before she knew it it was Friday. It had been a busy if uninspiring week but Ruth was feeling a sense of achievement. It was good to be back as part of the team and they'd not let her down. They'd given her space when she was feeling fragile, had on a couple of occasions discreetly left her alone when she'd found herself crying for no good reason at all and had protected her from curious and intrusive visitors from other sections. As everyone was packing up for the day it was Danny who came and perched himself on the edge of the desk and said

"Ruth, please say no if you want to but we're all going to The George for a well earned drink. We deserve it, if I never see another form that I have to fill in it'll be to soon! Care to come with me, us?"

Ruth had thanked him slowly but turned down his invitation and so it had gone on for the next three months, Ruth had settled back into the team and was starting to take part in the banter that was so much a part of working on the Grid. Sometimes she reflected it could be thought of as inappropriate but is was the way they dealt with awful and depressing situations which seemed to occur on an almost daily basis.

Life away from the Grid was another matter entirely, she'd contacted Hugh's father and sister and invited them to come and view Hugh's possessions, she'd felt that it was the completely wrong thing to do but she knew the longer she left it the harder it would be. The weekend before they were due to come up from Exeter she'd gone to the storage unit on her own. Harry had arranged for every last thing to be moved just as he had promised. She'd spent hours going through cupboards and drawers, examining everything, putting irrelevant things like the paper clips and blue tack that Hugh seemed to hoard in one of the boxes she'd brought with her. In the end all she took away with her was a couple medical books with annotations that Hugh had written in the margins and his old Edinburgh university scarf which had been tucked away in one of the cupboards. When she'd lifted it to her face she could smell Hugh on it and she'd taken it home and placed it on his pillow stroking it as she fell to sleep.

Hugh's father had been quiet and just walked around in a daze touching things not really commenting , Ruth could tell that the man was still in deep shock and she felt a little guilty for asking him look at his sons effects but she'd realised after she'd looked at it all that on a personal level she needed to do this so she could get back to something akin to normal. Whatever normal was now. His sister was a completely different kettle of fish. Ruth and Lucy Logan had been in the same year at school but had never been close, just the opposite in fact. She had come in with a pad and pencil asking Ruth in a cold voice

"I suppose you've taken what you wanted? So we can have the rest? Good, there's some nice pieces of furniture here. What do you say Dad?" Not waiting for her father to reply she'd carried on "We'll take it all, this is the stuff from his flat as well? Yes we'll take it all and then his _**family**_ in Exeter can see what they want. Of course it's going to cost a fortune to transport it down there..."

Ruth had quickly offered to pay the cost of transportatio and for a storage facility in Exeter for as long as it was needed. She waited for Lucy to broach the subject of Hugh's will so she was not surprised when Lucy asked point blank if the will had been read and if the _**family**_ had been left anything.

Ruth had explained that Hugh had in fact left everything to her but that she would be making provision for Hughes father and intended to set up trust funds for Lucy's two children and she offered to pay off the balance on Lucy's mortgage and give them enough money so they could all take a holiday together. Lucy had attempted to be magnanimous about the offer but could not help but say

"He must have left you a bit then. Just remind me how long were you two married."

And that had been that, there had been no more news. Lucy had sent a curt e mail saying everything had arrived and that the storage was adequate and that all further communication should be through their solicitors.

She'd received the e mail late on Friday afternoon so when Adam had casually mentioned in passing that they were all going to The George she'd thought to Hell with it. Why not.?

 _ **Really struggled with this chapter. I don't want to push to hard as I can't see Ruth falling into Harry's arms at the drop of a hat and I think my evil mind has come up with another nasty twist to this tale!**_


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

He'd told his driver he was done for the evening, The man had to be as tired as he was, it had been a long week, lots of early starts and late nights and he was sure the man had someone at home waiting for him. As he walked across the the road dodging the traffic he reflected that it must be pleasant to have another person to share your life with. But that was a luxury that he'd not had for years and besides the only person he wanted to share his life with was now even further out of his reach than she had been before.

As he pushed open the pub door he scanned the crowded bar looking for any members of Section D who had wandered over from Thames House to say goodbye to another week, to celebrate another week that they had all come through unscathed. And his breath caught in his throat, she was there, sitting in the corner with Malcolm. He was thrilled to see her, had over the preceding weeks become more and more frustrated with her refusals to join them for this Friday ritual but had been loath to push the point lest she question his motives. He stood and quietly allowed himself to immerse in the sight of her. She was looking a little less pale these days, he was sure she'd put on a bit of the weight she'd lost and as he watched Malcolm must have said something that amused her as she smiled. A sweet gentle smile that made his sad old heart miss a beat.

Just at that moment Adam spotted him and called him over, holding up a glass of what he presumed was single malt to indicate that he'd got him a drink in.

As he got near to the group Malcolm stood and said "Here have my seat Harry, just off to ring Mother, let her know I'm going to be a bit later than I said." Harry flopped down in the seat next to Ruth picked up his glass and drained it in one. Seeing the surprised look on her face he explained

"Bloody awful day Ruth, budget meetings. I swear they'll be asking me to count paper clips next! Another one?" he said indicating to her empty glass

She nodded her assent and he pushed himself up from the table winching slightly as he did so. As she watched him push his way through the crowd to get to the bar something struck her; Harry had mentioned paper clips, such a mundane thing to be sure, but given that she still had Hugh's hoard of paper clips safely at home she knew that just a week ago any mention of them would have set her fumbling for a tissue. Maybe she was coping better, or maybe it was because it was Harry who'd talked about them. And it suddenly struck her; Harry Pearce made her feel safe, of course that's what he did, he was was there for;to make them all feel safe but in that moment she found she was taking a great deal of comfort from the warmth that thought engendered in her.

While she was thinking Harry appeared carrying a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses and he poured them a glass each. Harry called over to the rest of the team that he'd put some money behind the bar for them but that they could jolly well go and fetch their own drinks. Adam held up his glass in a salute and asked them all what they wanted. Danny grumbled something about the fact that it wouldn't have hurt the boss to bring their drinks over but Fiona put her hand on his arm and indicated to the pair at the next table

"Don't be so ungrateful Danny, and just look over there, he's where he needs to be at this moment in time. He's looking after Ruth. She needs him more than we do, now go and help Adam with the drinks and stop whining."

But she smiled at him and patted his shoulder as she spoke to him so he knew she was only kidding.

While Adam and Danny were fetching the drinks Fiona looked across at Harry and Ruth, they were deep in conversation, heads together, Harry said something that made Ruth smile and Fiona thought it was the best thing she'd seen all week. They were obviously comfortable with each other and her thoughts went back to a conversation she'd had with Adam before Hugh Logan arrived on the scene

"I'm telling you Adam he fancies her! Just watch the way he looks at her. I've never seen Harry Pearce look as comfortable and at ease as when he's staring at Ruth. Oh granted he's not done anything about it yet, but just you wait, he's besotted and even though she doesn't know it yet Ruth likes him, she likes him a lot. They'd be so good for one another."

Adam had of course told her she was imagining things, that she was embroidering herself a little world of her own, that she was acting like a silly woman in love, wanting the rest of the world to be in love as well, reminding her that not everyone could be as lucky as she was and land a catch like him. The conversation had stopped then as she'd pretended to be offended by his remarks and Adam had had to take steps to make it up to her...And then of course poor Hugh had come back into Ruth's life. …...

Malcolm came back from the telephone assuring everyone that his mother was quite well and the two separate groups had managed to move to a bigger table so they could all sit together. The men had started an argument about the merits of football versus cricket (like watching bloody paint dry!) was Danny's well thought out comment about cricket, an observation that had elicited a lecture from Harry on the finer points of fielding placements and bowling tactics and an invitation to accompany him to a game at Lords when the new season commenced. "Flippin Heck! I walked right into that one didn't I?" the younger man whispered to Ruth as Harry turned to say something to Malcolm. Ruth had looked straight at Danny making him feel a tad uncomfortable before she said

"You will go with him if he asks won't you Danny? It would mean a lot to him, he's very fond of us all and I don't think he's got much of a life away from the Grid. Please think about it for me?"

If Danny thought it was strange that Ruth was making some sort of a plea on behalf of their section head he kept his thoughts to himself and just nodded in agreement. And the conversation quickly passed on to a certain junior officer who had just been seconded to Thames House. Danny apparently was smitten once more and expressed his great disappointment that the young lady was not in the pub that night. And so the evening progressed, someone ordered sandwiches and chips and the conversation went off from one unrelated subject to another and they all relaxed and enjoyed both the company and the freedom the evening was offering them.

Fiona was the first person to stand saying "Don't know about you folks but I've got a busy day planned tomorrow, it's my long weekend off and I promised Wes all sorts of treats so I'll need to be at the top of my game. So I'm going to love you and leave you."

Adam quickly drained his glass and helped her on with her coat adding his own goodbyes as they left the bar. After that people began to leave in dribs and drabs until it was only Ruth, Harry and Malcolm. Harry was willing Malcolm to go but it was Ruth who spoke first

"I think I'd better make tracks myself" she said "I'm not in until tomorrow afternoon but this is the latest I've been out since, well since."Both men stood as she did and Harry asked her how she intended to get home. "Well" she replied "I thought I might go for the novelty approach and catch the bus Harry." He frowned at her, "It's much to late for you to do that, and then there's the walk from the bus stop. Take a taxi, I'll pay." As soon as the words were out of his mouth he knew he'd overstepped the mark. "Thank you Harry, I've been taking the bus in this city for as long as I can remember, I can look after myself you know! Please don't presume to tell me what I can and can't do!" She watched as Harry's face crumpled and she relaxed a little "Okay I'll take a taxi, but I'll pay for it." And standing she made her way towards the exit. Half way there she turned and said "Well as it's so dangerous out there aren't you going to come and protect me till I can hail a cab Harry?"

As it was they were only waiting a few minutes before a cab drove past and Harry hurried into the road hailing it. He stood and watched as she was driven off wishing with every fibre in his body that he was with her. Sighing he made his way back to Malcolm."Just us old timers then Harry? Well I'm going to call it a night as well. Just a word Harry, be careful or you're going to mess this up. She still needs time Harry. Remember the old adage **Softly, softly, catchy monkey** just be there for her Harry. Just be her friend, don't for the love of God do anything stupid. Let her grieve, let her decide when and indeed if she's ready to move on. She might very well never be ready and you will have to accept that. You might very well have to settle for friendship but surely that is better than nothing?"

After Malcolm had gone Harry ordered himself a double and reflected on his words. Was it he wondered worth losing the friendship and closeness he shared with Ruth in what might be a vain hope to win her heart. Or was it better to leave sleeping dogs lie?

 **So does he let sleeping dogs lie or does he go for it?**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

Life slowly settled back to normal; or as normal as life for anyone who worked for Mi5 could be. Ruth sometimes felt guilty that she used the threats to national and international safety and stability to cushion and divert herself from her pain. It was easier to throw herself into her work, to be in early and leave late than it was to sit at home and brood.

She sometimes reflected that maybe she was fortunate that she hadn't been married to Hugh for a very long time, that the marriage had still been at the getting to know each properly stage so that in some ways being on her own again felt natural. At other times she literally railed at the injustice of it all, screamed to the heavens for her loss, and in the really dark times she scolded Hugh for his carelessness, for putting himself in harms way. They were the darkest times of all, leaving her feeling ashamed, drained and contrite.

The firsts came around, the first anniversary of her meeting Hugh again since his death. Hugh's birthday, her birthday. The anniversary of her confession in Windsor Great Park. Their first wedding anniversary and all the silly little things that couples in love celebrate together. Silly little things still set her off, a song on the radio, having a man round to mend the washing machine only to have him hold up one of Hugh's socks that had been blocking the pump. On reflection she felt sorry for the poor man who must have thought he was faced with a mad woman as she took the shredded sock from him and immediately burst into tears,but as each one came around and she survived it with her sanity intact she took another step on the road to recovery.

She'd held out an olive branch to Hugh's father and invited him up to London for the weekend, half of her hoping the man would say no the other half praying that he would agree. As it was from the moment she picked Jack Logan up from Paddington station it was obvious that the man was grateful to her for inviting him. They'd spent a pleasant weekend talking about Hugh, Jack Logan filling in some of the gaps in Ruth's knowledge of her husband, learning things that would have come if they'd had more time as a couple. Sunday afternoon came around quickly, Ruth was grateful that there had been no Red Flash so she'd not had to explain a sudden departure to the man. Minutes before the train was due to leave he took her hand in his and said

"He was lucky to have found you Ruth and I know that you would have been happy together, you should have had so much longer together, but, but he must have been in such a good place when he left us. But promise me one thing Ruth, if you're lucky enough to find love again take it. Grab hold of it with both hands. That's what my son would have wanted for you. And don't take any bloody notice of what anyone else says and that includes my daughter. She's hurting Ruth so she's lashing out and unfortunately you're an easy target."

Ruth had put her arms around the older man then and they'd hugged one another, the first time as they drew strength from each other.

As he boarded the train Jack Logan called "Be as happy as you can be Ruth and don't be a stranger."

Yes the visit of Jack Logan had been quite a cathartic experience. Another step on the road.

The thing that she had been dreading more than anything else was of course the inquest. She was in a quandary about what her best course of action should be. She would be attending the court as Mrs. Hugh Logan, widow of the deceased and as such would not garner any more attention than that usually attracted by such occasions but her presence in what ever capacity would be noticed by those in the security services friendly or hostile. She'd talked at length about it to Harry one night when as usual they were the last people left on the Grid. He'd poured her a glass of single malt and sat her down on his sofa.

"This is really a bloody awful piece of furniture" she quipped taking the glass from his hand.

"It's functional Ruth, I don't really care what it looks like although I can honestly say that I wouldn't recommend sleeping on it. And I speak from experience!"

She'd looked at him then, really looked at him and she could see that he looked dog tired and that his hand betrayed a slight tremor. She was sure it wasn't from the alcohol; he drank too much she knew that but she didn't think she'd ever meet a man with such a capacity for hard drink as Harry Pearce seemed to have. No it must be because he existed on adrenalin and booze, she was well aware that he didn't eat properly because whenever she remembered to bring him a sandwich, salad or some such he devoured it with gusto. And all of these circumstances she reflected could only have been made worse by lack of sleep, and if not sleep some form of relaxation. What she pondered did Harry Pearce do for enjoyment? And then in a spilt second a vision of what Harry Pearce might do for enjoyment flashed across her mind in graphic detail. She could feel herself getting hot under the collar just thinking about it, especially as the other person involved looked strangely familiar!

"When did you last get a good night's sleep Harry?" she enquired trying to divert her attention away from the images dancing around in her head. He looked at her softly, amusement dancing in his eyes. Such beautiful eyes she thought; immediately chastising herself for even going there.

Sleeping isn't something that I do very well Ruth, Now enough about me. What do you want to do about the inquest? Of course you aren't obliged to attend but if you don't it may raise more interest than if you do, whatever you decide I'll back you up one hundred percent. You know that don't you?I told you I'd always be here for you and I meant it Ruth."

In the end she decided that it was the very least she could do, really there had never been any doubt but she'd found that talking to Harry had crystallised her thoughts and made it all seem so much easier. She went to show her respect for Hugh although it was very difficult hearing the details of his death in such stark almost clinical terms. Hearing that Hugh had made the decision himself to leave Camp Bastion and attend the incident made her feel again some of the emotions of anger and despair that she had felt when she'd first been made aware of the circumstances of his death but she was able to cope much better with those feelings.

As it was the verdict was one of _**Unlawful Killing by Person or Persons Unknown**_ it was what had been expected and Ruth whilst she had found it an ordeal was able to recognise it as another step on the road to her new normality. And for once the gods seemed to smile on her as a senior politician found himself front page news because of indiscretions in his private life and charges of insider trading It was only later when she though about it she realised how fortuitous the news breaking on that particular day was. And **his** words came back to her _**Whatever and where ever Ruth I'll be there for you.**_

And so life as is it's wont went on. She visited her Mother and family in Exeter a couple of times, not really wanting to go but doing so through a sense of duty and obligation and whilst she was there she made sure that she saw Jack Logan, she had come to really like the man and was sad that they never got the chance to build a relationship built around their mutual love for Hugh as it was there would always be a barrier of grief and heartbreak between them.

 **I know that not much happens in this chapter but I felt it was important to show how Ruth was coping or not with her loss and the role that Harry was playing in that.**


	15. Chapter 15

Backfire

Chapter Fifteen

 **Please be aware that it does stray slightly into M territory. Still have two endings in mind.**

The urge to throw something was almost overwhelming. To hear the satisfying crash as contact was made between inanimate objects, to savour the ensuing carnage almost exquisite. And he hefted the heavy whisky tumbler in hand as he stared at the glass that imprisoned him daily.

 **Just throw it!** His inner demons taunted him. **Just throw it! She'll bloody well notice you then!**

Self control, self denial. It was like a mantra in his head as he slowly and carefully placed the tumbler on his desk and watched her exit the Grid with Anderson. And as if to rub salt in the wounds, just before she stepped into a pod she turned and raised her hand in farewell. Quickly ducking his head so she wouldn't see that he'd been watching her intently he stared unseeing at the open file on his desk. When he glanced up again they were gone.

Reaching to his left he opened the desk draw and retrieved the whisky bottle pouring himself a generous measure, he intended to get stinking drunk tonight so he may as well start now. Downing the amber liquid in one he felt it burn his throat and settle to warm his churning stomach. How and when he reflected had he missed the signs? When had Ruth become ready for affection, ready to share something of herself with another human being. He refused to acknowledge the word **love;** that would be too much to cope with, affection was bad enough but **love** was unthinkable if the man doing the sharing wasn't him.

Shit! Shit! Shit! He thought, how had he missed the clues? He'd spent months trying to get close to her, had helped her in all the ways that he could without over stepping the mark. Had listened when her heart was breaking, helped her sort out the lease on Logan's flat, he'd dropped a smarmy politician right in it in order to draw the attention of the media away from the inquest so she didn't have to deal with a press feeding frenzy and he thought that he'd been reading the situation very well.

She'd started to bring him food in even purchasing a couple of cool bags so that she could send him home with casseroles and the like.

"Just pop it into the oven to heat through Harry, give me back the clean dish and we can get a sort of production line going. It's no fun cooking for one..."

He'd longed to ask her to come round to his place and cook for him there in his kitchen, fantasizing about her moving around it as if she belonged there. Opening cupboards, drinking a glass of wine as she cooked and danced to the music she'd have playing in the background. There was always music when he thought about her. Be it her dancing in his kitchen as he watched her, propped up against the door frame enjoying the domestic intimacy of that or more often than not in his bedroom. In his bedroom where he surged above her his body plunging into hers without restraint. Her moving up to meet his as his lips and teeth lavished her breasts with loving attention. Her eyes would be dark with desire as she moved with him bringing her body up to him, matching him stroke for stroke as they sought sublime release. And then he would flip her over, ramming into her, making her squeal as he increased his pace, reaching between them so he could stroke and pinch her to completion. And in his fantasy she would reach behind her and squeeze his throbbing balls urging him on. And as he emptied himself into her his teeth would mark her delicate skin as he roared his release. And that was when he always woke, or like now found himself with a painful throbbing erection. He woke like this every morning now, starting his day with pain and longing and it was exhausting him.

In truth he was terrified of making the wrong move and making it too quickly. There had been times on a Friday night at The George that he'd almost convinced himself that the time was right. They'd be sat together discussing the rights and wrongs of some decision taken at a higher level, arguing about the ethics of a case that they'd been asked to intervene in. Ruth always arguing that one could have an opinion about anything and everything and him arguing that to have opinions whilst probably morally correct was not always operationally sound. And then she'd look at him and her gaze would soften and she'd say something like

"Enough of this Harry Pearce, if I've learnt anything lately it's that life's much to short to bicker about things we can't possibly change."

At times like that he'd nearly thrown caution to the wind and asked her to have dinner with him, asked her to give him a chance. But his common sense always prevented him from saying anything. That and the words of warning from Malcolm. And in truth Harry Pearce the great womaniser apart from being sadly out of practise had never been good with deep, true emotion. He was he supposed what the shrinks would call emotionally crippled.

She'd encouraged him to contact Catherine, telling him about her experience with Jack Logan and had been thrilled for him when he told her that Catherine had written back telling him that she was pleased he'd been in touch and joy of joys told him she'd meet up with him next time she was in London.

Yes there had been on reflection many times when he should have been brave and asked her out. Nothing too intimate, somewhere public that wouldn't draw attention to them, somewhere that could not be misconstrued by anyone. Just two good friends spending some time together. And then he had to insist that she went to that bloody meeting.

He'd asked her on the following Monday if it had been as bad as she feared it would be and she'd been non-committal, just saying it was a few hours of her life that she's never get back but that she'd meet some interesting people there. Then she'd moved on to the morning briefing and he knew from experience that the subject was closed.

The next mistake was letting her attend the Northern Pakistan briefing. It was obvious to him with him heightened sense of who Ruth liked and disliked that Anderson had made a favourable impression on her. And his Ruth was not easily impressed by just anyone. He'd sat and watched as Anderson, who had a comprehensive and insightful knowledge of the subject managed to impart that knowledge with added observations that could only be gained by someone who had served on the front line. Yes the man had done well so well that the DG had temporarily moved him to Section D;but it was the fact that he was openly flirting with Ruth that had stuck in Harry's throat.

He was not the only one who had noticed the connection between the two. He'd heard Fiona indulging in some gentle teasing, commenting on the man's eyes and the fact that only seemed to shine on one person, Danny had picked up on this and had of course had to put his tuppence worth in earning himself a severe telling off from Ruth, but Harry noticed she didn't seem that cross with him.

And he knew that the friendship was more than work place based. The fact that he'd followed them one night was not something he was proud of but the need to know had become an itch he couldn't ignore. So when they left Thames House together, he followed expecting Anderson to see Ruth to her bus stop and part company with her there. What in fact had happened was that they'd both boarded the bus and he'd taken the chance, hailed a cab to take him to Ruth's address and waited in the shadows. Twenty minutes later his hunch was proved right when they turned the corner at the end of the street carrying wine and a take away. He knew he should have left then but he just couldn't move he needed to know if the man was going to stay the night. So he'd punished himself by watching the front door willing the man to leave, praying that the upstairs lights would stay dark. Two hours later Anderson left, walking down the path without a backward glance as Ruth closed the door behind him. No goodnight kiss he'd noted feeling stupidly relieved by that.

But what to do next? If he was dealing with a terrorist attack or searching for a mole within the service, even God forbid having to make the almost impossible decision to send his agents out into the field to face danger and in some cases death he was quite capable of doing that but with Ruth...In many ways he reflected it was like being on a roundabout at the fairground, he just went going round and round, never knowing when to get off. Catching glimpses of her as he passed her time after time, sometimes she seemed to be smiling at him. A warm beckoning smile that promised much and at other times her face displayed nothing. And that of course was the problem he faced every day. He just couldn't read her, he couldn't fathom out what she thought about him.

As he placed the bottle back in the drawer,( better to go home and indulge there than have his driver see him in less than total control) his fingertips grazed over the envelope that Malcolm had given him and he recalled the words that had accompanied it

"It's a plus one Harry. She'll love it. Just ask her."


	16. Chapter 16

Backfire

Chapter Sixteen

Across town Ruth and Jimmy were sharing a pre-dinner drink. Ruth loved Cantonese food and had been very happy with Jimmy's choice of restaurant. They sat next to each other in the plush reception area waiting for their table to be ready

scanning the menu. After not a lot of deliberation they decided that they'd each go for a different set meal for one and share. Jimmy made a joke about his ineptitude with chopsticks assuring Ruth that she'd dine well tonight as he'd have trouble getting any food into his mouth such was his clumsiness.

When they were seated at their table Ruth asked the waiter sweetly "Could my friend have a spoon please? He's a little clumsy and I happen to know he's wearing a new shirt."

Jimmy laughed, called her wicked and took the spoon from the bewildered waiter with good grace and a smile. It was as Ruth had suspected he was a whiz with chopsticks wielding them like an expert and for a while there was silence except for "Try this" and "Oh that's so good" until they finally pushed their plates away both of them stating that if they ate just one more morsel they'd explode.

Ruth took a sip of her wine before saying "You'll soon be on your travels."

It was not said as a question but as more of a statement of fact. Jimmy smiled at her and asked

"Am I so transparent Ruth? I knew you were good but only I found out this afternoon. Or do you have the whole of Thames House and Vauhhall Cross bugged?"

You're not a desk spook Jimmy, you told me that you had to be pulled out of Northern Pakistan pretty damn quickly and I know you've just been kicking your heels in Thames House waiting to be transferred back to Six though what the allure of Vauxhall Cross is, is quite frankly beyond me. Can I ask where you'll be going, aghh I see by the look on your face that I'm not about to get an answer."

Jimmy took her hand in his and said softly

"Can't tell you Ruth, won't tell you in fact and after tomorrow Jimmy Anderson will cease to exist, but you've been a good friend to him and the part of him that is real and legitimate will always be grateful to you for your kindness and sweetness Ruth. I was in a pretty lonely place and without asking any awkward questions you managed to make me feel good about myself again. Made me understand that what happened out there was not my fault, that I couldn't have prevented it and that I need to move on."

"Whatever _**it**_ was" said Ruth in a low voice. She knew that something awful must have occurred for the service to pull Jimmy out of an operation at what she had begun to realise had been very short notice. From things he had said in conversation, things that had struck her analysts mind as unusual she had come to understand that when he had finally made it back home he had only the clothes on his back and very little else. Certainly the flat that he lived in had all the trademarks of a "safe house". It was cold, impersonal and unloved, not the sort of place a man like Jimmy would choose to live in.

"I have to ask this Jimmy" she said with an edge to her voice "Did I ever really know the real you, I know by now that you aren't called Jimmy Anderson, I'd wager a years salary on that but I liked, like Jimmy Anderson and it would be depressing to find out that I came to care for what was just a legend."

"You're right of course, about the name I mean, but one name is as good as another don't you think?After all it's just a label, it doesn't define who we are, what we believe, what we're willing to die for. And as to for knowing me Ruth, you know more about be than any person alive today. Okay, you know nothing about the operational side of me but you're very perceptive Ruth, look into your heart and you'll recognise that what I say is true."

By now they had left the busy restaurant and had found a pub, crowded enough that they could blend in easily and with just enough hubbub of conversation and noise to allow them to converse without fear of being overheard. When Jimmy had led them to a table she'd been amused but not surprised to see that he'd chosen a table near an exit with a good view of the door and the rest of the room. Bloody spook she thought, it's just like going for a drink with Harry. She was contemplating why she should be thinking about Harry Pearce at a time like this when Jimmy returned with the drinks. A glass of wine for her and a pint of bitter for him. He saw her looking at his glass and commented

"Might be the last time I get a chance to down a pint of real ale for awhile, who knows? Bottoms Up!"

"Will I ever see you again?" she asked calmly already knowing what the answer was likely to be.

"You know as well as I do Ruth that I can't answer that. I don't know and that's the honest truth, I can tell you that I'm going into deep cover and expect that cover to last for years. I'll be playing the long game, a game that I might not see the end of, but I believe in and as hard as it is to leave you behind Ruth I must do it."

They sat in silence for a while both coming to terms with the fact that this was in all probability the last time they would see each other. Ruth didn't know what to say, she'd grown very fond of the man opposite her. He was good company, he didn't ask anything from her except her friendship and he made her laugh, but more importantly he made her laugh without her feeling guilty for doing so. He had told her very early on in the friendship that he was gay, sharing with her a secret that very few people were aware of. As he'd said to her at the time

"I don't go capering about giving out tips on home furnishing and camping it up Ruth, that's just not who I am. And after what happened to Parvez I'm celibate and intend to stay that way.

He'd not elaborated much on that statement but Ruth had put two and two together and surmised that Parvez had been an asset as well as a lover and that something had gone horribly wrong and he'd been killed and Jimmy had been pulled out PDQ.

After that she'd felt able to talk freely about Hugh and his death, she'd been able to tell Jimmy things that she'd not been able to tell anyone else, things like her anger at Hugh for taking such a stupid risk, her physical longings for him, her despair that she'd never find love again and her shame that she should even be thinking about loving again. Jimmy had in turn told her a little about Parvez, how they had meet and fallen in love and how that love had ultimately led to Parvez sacrificing himself to keep Jimmy safe. And Ruth had held Jimmy as he'd cried, tears of anger, loss and despair. Tears that Ruth knew so well.

Jimmy reached over and took her hand in his, turning it over he kissed her palm

"I will never ever forget you Ruth Evershed, you have been like balm to my soul. I've not formed many meaningful relationships in my sad and sorry existence but my bond with you will be something that I will treasure forever. I love you Ruth. And" he added under his breath "If I were straight he wouldn't stand a cat in hells chance!"

They walked to Ruth's bus stop arm in arm, neither of them wanting to break the silence, neither of them really knowing what to say. Both of them well aware that this was most likely the last time they'd see each other. All to soon they saw the bus approaching and Jimmy took her in his arms and kissed her cheek hugging her to him tightly as he whispered in her ear

"My name is Jack. There you know now and it's Jack who is and always will be your friend Ruth. Be happy Ruth and when love comes looking for you, as I know it will for my sake please give it an chance."

And with that he was gone, blending into the crowds that still filled the streets of London even at that late hour.

 **So know comes the bit I'm having the most difficulty with. Of course Harry now makes his first move, think back to the envelope that Malcolm gave him but would it be realistic for Ruth to fall into his arms? Tell me what you think please. I really need some guidance.**


	17. Chapter 17

Backfire

Chapter Seventeen

The next ten days passed in a blur of activity. They seemed to lurch from one crisis to another barely having time to draw breath and re-group before another threat presented itself. They were all dog tired and starting to snap at each other and as a result Harry was beside himself trying to keep the team on track and focused.

His frustrations were becoming more and more evident as the days passed and the problems mounted. The final straw that broke the camels back was Danny taking a bullet. Luckily it was only his hand and the bullet passed right through soft tissue doing minimal damage and after being patched up by the duty doc he was back on the Grid beaming as only Danny could.

He was draped on Ruth's desk regaling her with all the gory details of his _**near death experience**_ when Harry came striding onto the Grid his gloves clenched in a death grip, his face like thunder. He stopped, looked and listened to Danny and exploded

"I am oh so pleased Mr. Hunter that you have time to spend indulging in idle gossip. And here I was thinking that we were in the middle of a sustained and plausible threat to this country! But no! I must be wrong because one of my officers has shown not only incompetence and got himself shot but then he finds it **bloody amusing** and decides to share it as if it were gossip to be passed around the dinner table. If the duty doc has passed you fit Mr. Hunter it would be my wish that you get back to bloody work and allow other officers to get back to work as well. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

As the question was obviously rhetorical Danny stood with as much dignity as he could muster and made his way back to his work station as the rest of them watched askance as Harry crossed the Grid to his office closing the door behind him with more force than was necessary.

"Bastard!" Danny looked as though he was about to cry, Ruth knew that the younger man was running on adrenalin, coffee and little else, they all were and she was sure that a bollocking from Harry, a man he loved and respected would have hurt him more than even a bullet could. She looked around at her colleagues, Harry had badly misjudged the situation, the last thing that the team needed was him throwing his weight about. He needed to be told and told quickly but first things first; the practical, caring side of her nature came to the fore and following a phone call in no time soup, sandwiches and a selection of fresh cream cakes were delivered to the Grid. After their initial surprise the team fell upon the spread as if they hadn't had proper food for a week.

"You're a bloody marvel" said Adam through a mouthful of cheese and tomato sandwich, his lips displaying the fact that he'd been sipping tomato soup. Ruth smiled as she passed around cups of tea indicating that the milk and sugar were there for them to help themselves. She smiled at them, picked up a container of soup, two packets of sandwiches a cream scone and turned towards Harry's office.

"Into the valley of death rode the six hundred" quoted Adam as she walked past him.

"Yes well thanks for that Adam, I really needed that. Are you sure you don't want to do this? Because believe you me I'll stand aside in a heartbeat. No? Well just open the door then."

Adam opened the door as quietly as he could so as not to alert Harry and Ruth took a moment to observe him before he realised she was there.

As she had expected he'd already reached for the whisky. In fact as she watched he raised the glass to his lips and swallowed closing his eyes as the liquid slid down his throat and into his stomach. Ruth was almost positive that it wasn't his first drink of the day and that concerned her She knew he drank too much and although she had never actually seen him drunk she had a good idea that his alcohol consumption was on the up. Walking further into the room she spoke drawing his attention to her presence

"That won't solve anything Harry. Here have something to eat and a cup of tea, and if you like we can talk."

The fact that he didn't tell her to get out immediately encouraged her to put the food and tea on his desk and sit herself in the chair nearest to his. She could see that he was wrestling with himself, part of him wanting to knock back the rest of the whisky in the glass and then pour another, the more sensible part maybe acknowledging that she had a valid point that needed consideration.

Sighing he put down the tumbler and reached for a chicken and stuffing sandwich and the rate that he polished it off confirmed in Ruth's mind that she'd made the right decision, she'd been right to take the chance. Just like all of them Harry was tired, hungry and running on adrenalin and on top of that he'd probably spent part of his day defending his team and it's actions from idiots. Looking at him properly she was concerned to see that he looked haggard and very careworn, the man looked as though he hadn't slept for days.

"He could have been killed. He could be dead Ruth, he could be laying on a slab in the mortuary. I could be here right now trying to decide what to tell his family. Bloody Hell Ruth... How much longer do they expect me to go on playing God with people's lives?"

Ruth had never seen him like this before. He was always so sure of himself, he constantly gave the impression that nothing and no one daunted him, he was after all the legendary Harry Pearce Head of Section , the man that everyone leant on, relied on. But in that moment he was just another human being who was overwhelmed by circumstances. And it suddenly struck her how lonely he must be here alone in this glass box day after day. Out there on the Grid they had each other to bounce off, to bicker with, to do all those silly little things that helped them cope.

Without thinking about it she moved next to him and took his hand, stroking the back with her thumb. Harry's head snapped up at this unexpected contact but at the same time his whole body seemed to relax, his anger dissipating.

"He was only dealing with it in the way that felt right for him Harry. He's young and yes maybe still a little foolish but he didn't deserve that, and certainly not in front of the rest of the team"

Harry had kept hold of her hand all the time she'd been talking, grasping it as though it was a life line and she made no move to break the contact remembering all the times over the last few months that he'd comforted her.

"I think, no I'm almost sure that the worst of it is over for now. So I can send some of the team home and call in back up from the pool. Danny being the first I think."

"And you should go home as well Harry. When was the last time you slept, really slept? Or for that matter went home?"

" I seem to remember telling you Ruth that sleeping was not something I do very well at the best of times and as for going home..." his voice dropped away as with some reluctance he let go of her hand and picked up his tea.

"What's happened to Jimmy Anderson?

Ruth may have been surprised by the sudden shift in conversation but she hid it well.

"He's been posted Harry as I am sure you're well aware, you probably knew about it before he did."

"Do you miss him?" The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. He waited for her to tell him to mind his own business, waited for her to tell him to stop meddling in her private life and he silently cursed himself for being so clumsy.

Ruth sighed something she thought she seemed to be doing a lot of lately "We became very good friends in a very short space of time Harry. He was, we were very good for each other. He was funny, kind and very good company."

"And he was very good looking, what did I overhear Fiona call him _**fit,**_ yes that was it _**fit.**_ " He was more than aware that he was very close to admitting his jealousy, his envy that Anderson could get so close to her in such a short space of time. And he hated that, hated showing any more weakness than he'd already shown this evening.

"Well I can't deny that he was very easy on the eye Harry but really that was just a bonus. He was, is as I think I said funny, kind and a very good listener. I'll miss him Harry but if there's any justice in this world I'll see him again. Don't look at me like that Harry I'm not that naïve as to think that will happen but I choose to think that, it gives me comfort and we all need comfort don't we?"

Something in his eyes made her look away, just for a moment, a split second she could see not power and capability mirrored in them but vulnerability and need and once again she was made oh so conscious of his isolation. She mentally shook herself, now was not the time to brood over the unhappiness of Harry Pearce there were more important matters to be dealt with.

"So you want me to tell Danny to go home? What about you Harry, I'd hazard a guess that you need rest just as much as the rest of us do. Will you go home for me? Please Harry?"

"No chance Ruth, have you any idea how much paper work I've got to get through before I can even think about taking a nap on that what did you call it, oh yes _that bloody awful piece of furniture_ but please do start to send the team home. I'll leave it to you to sort it out just make sure you go home fairly soon, I don't want to have to order you."

And taking a last sip of tea he picked up the phone and waited to be connected. Ruth knew she had been in effect dismissed so she gathered up the remains of the impromptu picnic and left him to it.

"Is it safe now?" Adams question was not just his but was on behalf of everyone on the Grid she knew that, Harry's outburst had caught them all off guard and no doubt it had been the one topic of conversation whilst she was in his office.

"Yes, yes he's fine, just tired, hungry and having to deal with the politics of the past week. And you all know how much Harry loves politics and politicians!"

This last sentence elicited laughter all round and some of the tension in the air seemed to disperse.

"Harry seems to think" she carried on "That the worst is over for now and he wants us to draw up a rota so that people can take some time to go home, clean up and get some sleep. Danny you're to be the first and Harry will talk to you as soon as you're both feeling a little more like yourselves. Okay? Adam I won't be one of the first I've got a couple of things that I need to sort out before I leave but what shall we say eight hours, no let's make in ten to take travelling time into account and then back on the Grid? And let's all pray for no Red Flashes."

Ruth moved away leaving Adam to sort things out and picked up her phone asking for a junior staff member to be dispatched to the Grid while she busied herself with a list. When the junior arrived looking wide eyed and overawed to be on the fabled Grid she handed over the list and explained just exactly what she wanted giving clear and precise instructions, encouraging them to be back as soon as possible.

She managed to start on some of her pending paper work, taking a few moments to reassure Danny as he left that everything would be fine and that nobody thought any less of him advising him to get some much needed rest. Soon enough the junior returned with everything on Ruth's list plus a couple of extra things they thought might come in useful. Ruth thanked them and sent them back downstairs feeling very happy and valued. After all it was not everyday such a junior member of staff got to contribute to the work of Section D.

Carrying the bags through to the side room Ruth began to arrange and lay out things until she was satisfied that everything was as she wanted it. Satisfied at last she returned to her desk, shut off her computer and locked everything on her desk drawers. She took a look around happy to see that other members of the team had taken the opportunity and left along with Danny. Entering Harry's office with another cup of tea she was pleased not to see any sign of the whisky bottle.

"Right" she said as he looked up from the pile of paperwork scattered across his desk. "We've started to leave as you instructed but I'm going to ask you to do something for me Harry. Another hour and then go and get your head down, not on that monstrosity" she indicted to his couch "But in the side room, please Harry promise me you'll do that. For me Harry."

"For you Ruth? Does it mean so much to you that I get some sleep, okay I promise if it makes you feel happier." And he smiled at her, the first time she'd seem him genuinely smile in days. Later on when she though about it she didn't know why she did what she did next. She stepped forward, stooped and kissed him on the cheek before she quickly left leaving Harry sitting at his desk a bemused expression on his face.


	18. Chapter 18

Backfire

Chapter Eighteen

 **My apologies for posting the last chapter twice! Hope this puts it right.**

He couldn't remember ever being this tired, he was sure he must have but that was another time and another country, literally. But he had been younger then, in his prime, able to cope with anything, priding himself on the fact that nothing and no one stopped Harry Pearce. God Almighty! He thought **What an arrogant prick I was!** It was during those times that he built his reputation, constructed the myth that was Harry Pearce, but it had cost him everything, his marriage, his children and the ability to forge and sustain friendships of any real meaning.

He had almost, no he had given up all hope of ever finding anyone who would want to take on a damaged bastard like him, had resigned himself to becoming the old buffer sat in the corner at his club boring anyone who would listen to him with tales of, well with what tales, he couldn't tell anyone about anything could he. And then going home alone, to be alone until merciful death took him. Or if he were very lucky he would be killed whilst still on active service and then what would there be left? His name on that accursed wall and maybe for a few years his name would be mentioned now and then and he could even hazard a good guess as to what they would say...

 _ **Does anyone remember that old bastard Harry Pearce? He was quite a piece of work! Loyal to a fault of course but so damaged. For God's sake somebody shoot me if you think I'm going that way!**_

Quite an epitaph!

And then Ruth had come into his life and he'd started to hope again and as he'd discovered to his cost hope was a painful and uncomfortable thing. He really wished he could stop that tiny bubble that had taken root in his chest, that bubble which threatened to overwhelm him with anticipation every time he saw her but it had become so much a part of him he doubted if he could survive without it now.

Maudlin, he told himself you're being maudlin because you're tired and just as he was contemplating maybe taking an hour on the couch his door opened and Adam walked in

"Its time Harry."

"Have I missed something Mr. Carter, I know I might not be at the top of my game right now but as far as I know all I've got to do in the immediate future is this.! So please go away and let me get on with it."

And his hand gestured towards the mound of paperwork that littered his desk.

"You've somewhere to be Harry, right now and I'm the lucky so and so who's been assigned to get you there. So whatever you do don't shoot the messenger. Come on Harry, follow me and make it easier for both of us."

Harry could see that the corners of Adam's mouth were forming the beginning of a small smile and that tiny thing had his heart rate slowing once more from the worrying surge his earlier words had caused. Bloody adrenalin he thought.

"Okay Adam. I'll play along for a moment at least, do I need my coat, my gun, my passport? Have I messed up so much that I'm to be smuggled out of the back door?"

"God you can be so predictable at times Harry" said the younger man, his voice laced with affection." What is it they say about sarcasm and wit? No you need none of those, just stand up, leave your office, lock the door and make your way to side room one."

"Ruth?" he asked, there was nothing else to say.

"Yes Ruth, she's just got home and she's rung to see if you've moved yet and as you haven't I've been given my instructions. So please Harry." and here he laughed softly "Do as she asked and save us both some grief."

"Who's the boss here Adam? Has Ms. Evershed been appointed Section Head whilst I've been off the Grid?"

"No Harry but she spoke to me the way Fiona does when she really wants me to do something, when refusing is not an option and she told me that if you said no she'd come right back here and sit on the Grid until you decided to be sensible. She said something about her ability to be stubborn and I seem to remember mules were mentioned. But the choice is yours Harry."

Not wanting Ruth to have to turn around and battle her way back through the chaos that was London traffic and knowing full well that she was quite capable of doing just that he'd agreed to take a couple of hours out but no more.

And now here he was looking around what was supposed to be the sterile environment of the room they used to catch forty winks as and when they could. Except someone had gone to a lot of trouble to change the whole ambiance. The bed had been moved so that a small table could be placed next to it and on that table was a small lamp and a flask. Propped up against the lamp was an envelope addressed to him. There was a very good quality suit hanger on the back of the door and various bags on the bed which was dressed with two comfortable looking pillows and a quilt that was definitely not service issue, neither were the plain but tasteful and clearly expensive duvet and pillowcases that covered them.

Toeing off his shoes and sitting on the bed he opened the envelope curious to see what she had written...

 _Harry_

 _I am so happy that you decided to take my advice and you've chosen to take a break in here and not on that abomination in your office. I sincerely hope that you don't think I've overstepped the mark in regards to the little tweaks I've made in here. The flask contains Chamomile tea that should if you decide to try it help you sleep. As well as the tea in one of the bags you'll find a Lavender pillow spray and some herbal sleeping tablets. All benign and not habit forming. I've taken the liberty of providing you with something to sleep in and some clean underwear and socks for the morning. I didn't get you a shirt and tie as I know you keep those in your office. Oh and by the way there's a hanger on the door for your suit._

 _Good night and sweet dreams Harry._

 _Ruth xx_

He read the letter over and over again overwhelmed that anyone could think of him in this way. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had showed him such kindness and he could feel the emotion building in his chest, threatening to completely overcome him. Shaking himself both mentally and physically he opened the flask and sniffed the contents, well it didn't smell that bad. He replaced the stopper carefully still debating with himself whether he should try it or not. Opening the nearest bag he took out the pillow spray which he did use, the tablets which he placed on the table and a pair of ear plugs which he left in the bag. The larger bag contained a pack of mixed dark socks, a pair of navy blue pyjamas, a pack of white short sleeved t. shirts and a pack of mixed trunks. All he noticed in his size. How he wondered did she know that, or was it just a lucky guess. In a third bag he found all the toiletries that any man could need along with a towelling dressing gown and a couple of large fluffy bath sheets. She seemed to have thought of everything!

Yes he thought as he sat on the bed, he had everything he needed except her. Her in this room in this single bed where they would have to lay pressed so close to one another that their bodies touched,so that the heat he was sure that they, he would generate would fuse them together for all time. They would he imagined start with him spooned behind her his arms around her pushing himself as close to her as he could get, she would draw her legs up so she was in effect sat on his lap, she would wriggle a bit catching his burgeoning erection with every undulation as his length stiffened and pressed against her moist and beckoning centre. And as he picked up the cellophane wrapped pyjamas he knew that was what they would be wearing, she would have grabbed the top but would have left the buttons undone allowing him free access to her stomach, breasts and that sweet, sweet place between her thighs that he desired more than anything in this world and he would be clad in the trousers, now barely contained as he strained against the open fly.

And then as quickly as the vision had appeared it was gone and it was just him sitting alone. The bed might be different but the fantasy was the same. A fantasy that was draining him as surely as the stresses and strains of the job were draining him. A strangled sob escaped from between his lips, a sob of frustration, longing and anger, anger at himself for not being a braver man, for not finding some way to make her see what she meant to him. He flung the pyjamas to one side, he couldn't possibly wear them now so after discarding his clothes,and carefully hanging up his suit he cleaned his teeth and rubbed a flannel over his face, he needed a shower but he was just to tired to scrape together the energy to walk down the corridor. He changed his trunks into a new pair and pulled on one of the t shirts before slipping into the bed. The bedding was cool and he luxuriated in the expensive feel of it before he leant over and poured himself a Chamomile tea nurturing the belief that Ruth was doing the same thing as she climbed into her own bed.

The room was plunged into darkness as he turned out the light and he lay for a moment as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. His mind was going ten to the dozen as it did every night as he tried to sleep thinking about everything and everybody thinking about anything in fact to stop him thinking about Ruth. He knew that if he stepped onto that path it would only lead him to painful, despairing dreams. He'd told Ruth that he didn't sleep well, that was partly true but the real reason he didn't sleep well was because the deeper he slept the more he dreamt about her. And as he lay there; as often happened in that strange world between waking and sleeping when all control is being surrendered a tear began to roll down his cheek.


	19. Chapter 19

Backfire

Chapter Nineteen

Ruth stepped onto the Grid the next morning pleased beyond belief that all appeared to be calmer. It was busy but it was always busy. The first person she saw was Danny looking more refreshed than she felt and his face widened into a typical Danny smile as he walked towards her taking the bag that she was carrying before she indicated for him to put it on her desk.

"That smells good Ruth is it for your wounded soldier by any chance?" he asked his good hand trying to open the it.

She lightly tapped his hand "Find me a wounded soldier Danny and I'll tell you, in the mean time hands off. How is it by the way, the hand I mean."

"Bloody sore Ruth, it's no joke today I can tell you. I don't know how I'm going to type my report, I really don't" and he looked at Ruth with what she could only suppose he thought was an appealing gaze.

Leaning forward she whispered to him "With one hand Danny with one hand."

Seeing that his pleas had fallen on deaf ears and that Ruth was obviously looking for someone he said

"He's still in the side room Ruth, what did you do slip him a Mickey Finn? I've been half expecting him to descend on me from a great height since I got here. Just wish he'd get it over with."

Picking up the paper bag she walked across the Grid and down the corridor to side room one. She stood shifting from one foot to the other determined to act on her musings of the night before, when her light tapping received no answer she tapped a little louder debating with herself whether it would be acceptable to just open the door and go in. She was still debating when a soft voice whispered in her ear

"I don't think I'm in there Ruth so you'll be a long time waiting for a reply."

She visibly jumped so deep had she been in her contemplations and he laughed gently.

"Sorry Ruth I just couldn't resist. It's bloody marvellous what a good nights sleep does for you."

By now she'd turned to fully face him and found herself closer to him than she'd ever been before, she couldn't step back because the door was pressed up against her back and he showed no signs of making a move. He just stood looking at her a smile playing across his face but there was nothing playful about the look in his eyes. He leant forward and that was when it registered in her over loaded brain that all he was wearing was the towelling robe she'd left for him.

She was struggling to formulate a coherent sentence when he whispered in her ear

"More presents Ruth? It certainly smells good or is that you?"

As he spoke he reached around her and opened the door, it was all she could do to stop herself falling into the room and seeing this Harry grabbed her arm and steadied her. She suddenly felt very warm, what was wrong with her this morning. Harry seemed not to have noticed as he walked past her into the room and sat on the bed indicating that she should take the chair. Sitting herself down she unpacked the bag

"There we are Harry bacon baps and coffee. "

"For two I hope because I think, no I know that having breakfast with you Ruth would be the perfect way to start my day."

"You slept well then?" she asked between mouthfuls of sweet smoked bacon and really good coffee.

"Much better than I have in a long time." he said yawning and stretching so the robe opened to reveal his naked chest and Ruth just couldn't help herself she just had to check him out. She could just make out the waistband of his underwear, navy blue she noted. Good choice she thought. And he had sturdy legs. Those wouldn't look out of place on a beach, what colour shorts would she put him in she wasn't sure but...

"Ruth, Ruth" his voice dragged her back from the brink of, well she wasn't quite sure but she'd obviously been miles away when he spoke.

"Yes sorry Harry you were saying?"

"I was asking Ruth if you'd mind awfully popping into my office and retrieving a clean shirt and tie for me I forgot to get them earlier. That's if you don't mind."

 _Watching Ruth as she left the room Harry couldn't quite believe he'd been so forward with her, maybe it was the fact that he'd had the best nights sleep in ages, (and he made a mental note to himself to ask Ruth about the pillow spray and the tea). Maybe it was because that sleep didn't lead him down the road to despair but instead it had been filled with happy images; all of them filled with Ruth, Ruth in his house, Ruth walking with him on the beach, them in a small house by the sea._

 _Them in bed together of course but it was not the usual dream of them together in bed, there was none of the raw desperation he usually remembered involved with this dream. Their love making was languid and sweet as if they knew each other intimately and as he watched they took their time exploring each others bodies and he remembered that part of the dream as heartbreakingly tender. And in the background he could hear the soothing sound of waves ebbing and flowing as their love ebbed and flowed._

 _Of course he'd woken before he'd been able to fully posses her, woken with a throbbing erection and he was sure it was the hardest he'd ever been. He thanked any number of deities that he'd been able to stumble down to the empty shower room where he'd dealt with the problem all the time his head filled with visions of Ruth writhing beneath him as he brought them both to earth shattering climaxes. And then seeing her there in the corridor while he was still in a post orgasmic state his famous control and restraint seemed to abandon him. It had taken him all his inner reserves of discipline not to pin her up against the wall and ravish her. Indeed when she turned into him standing closer to him than she'd ever done before he thought that he might very well self combust such was the heat that he felt generated between them. Thank goodness he'd had the presence of mind to open the door and break the tension of the moment but not before he taken the opportunity to get close enough to her so that he could whisper in her ear. He could have whispered anything, anything at all,it was not the words that mattered it was the freedom he felt in that moment,the freedom to get so close to her._

 _It had felt so right for them to sit together as they ate the breakfast that Ruth had so thoughtfully supplied, to share a few calm minutes before the hurly burly of the day began. He knew that if he could start each day like this he could face anything that the world threw at him, it just felt so comfortable, so right and he knew there and then that he would have to be brave, maybe braver than he'd ever been in his life. Not the kind of brave that had seen him play games with his life, his very existence but with that deep, secret part of him that he'd never shown to anyone not even his wife._

 _Instinctively he could sense that something had shifted in her as well, she was looking at him with different eyes, he hoped that she was seeing him as a man and not just Harry her boss. He'd felt her eyes roving over his body and he'd wished that he was in better shape. He was aware that he was over weight with a belly. That his hair was thinning; but he did get the impression that she was not altogether disgusted by what she saw. And that thought had inevitable consequences as he felt his erection pushing against the fabric of his trunks._ _ **Yeah Gods**_ _he thought as his body reacted to her proximity and attention. He wouldn't have thought it possible so soon after the powerful orgasm he'd enjoyed in the shower._

 _He knew that he had to get her out of the room before his arousal became evident so he'd asked her to fetch him a shirt, he didn't want her to leave but her staying was not a viable option and it was becoming less viable by the second._

Entering Harry's office Ruth opened the bottom draw of his desk where she knew he kept a couple of clean shirts, no problem choosing which one they were both white but there was a choice of tie and as she ran her fingertips over the neatly rolled bundles she tried to decide which one she would like him to wear today. Her fingers and her eyes were repeatedly drawn towards a iridescent blue one, one that she couldn't recall seeing him wear. It felt expensive but of course it would; Harry was fastidious about his appearance wearing bespoke suits tailored for him in Saville Row and hand stitched shoes from Jermyn Street . Yes Harry Pearce was a man who knew how to dress but more than that she sensed that he took pleasure in what he wore which she suddenly equated to Harry as a sensual being. Picking up the tie and shirt she quickly left the room not wanting to dwell to long on that particular thought. Much too dangerous.

When she tapped on the door Harry had on his trousers but was still wearing the dressing gown, tightly tied around his waist. She handed him the shirt and tie muttering something about needing to get on and making for the door. Harry's voice stopped her as he said

"Nice choice of tie Ruth it's new, I bought it because the colour reminds me,..."He stopped talking worried that he would say to much, would tell her that he'd bought the tie because the colour put him in mind of her eyes,and said instead as he took the tie and shirt from her."Anyway about this room and all the wonderful things that you've done for me in here. I just want to say Thank You Ruth, it's been a very long time since anyone thought enough about me to do anything so kind for me and I was thinking,hoping we could that you'd let me...?

At that moment the door flew open and Adam said breathlessly

"The Home Secretary on the line Harry. It seems he's had a communication from a reliable source and wants you in Whitehall straight away.

They didn't see each other for another fifty one hours.


	20. Chapter 20

Backfire

Chapter Twenty

She slipped from the room after Adam had interrupted them Interrupted what she wasn't quite sure. She'd got the distinct impression that Harry was trying to say, no ask her something but he seemed to be finding the words difficult to come by. Why did she feel relieved that Adam had changed the whole course of the moment she wondered? But even more perturbing why did she feel resentful that he had disrupted their time together. And then suddenly she was very angry with herself, where in God's name did the notion of her and Harry _together_ come from? And that small persistent demon that we all carry within us perched itself on her shoulder and whispered in her ear...

 _ **Because you've been thinking about it Ruth! Go on admit it if only to yourself! You were checking him out and what you saw didn't repel you did it!"**_

So vivid and clear was the goading voice in her head that she nearly stumbled as she made her way back to her desk, indeed if Malcolm hadn't been passing she was sure she would have made a complete fool of herself by hitting the deck. As Malcolm caught her and helped her to her chair she felt stupidly tearful, emotional beyond belief by that small act of kindness and concern showed to her by someone who she considered a good and valued friend.

"Steady on there Ruth" he said looking quite perturbed by the sudden contact they'd shared. Malcolm as Ruth knew didn't handle any sort of physical contact well unlike Harry who she was quite sure would be a man who given the right circumstances would be very tactile. Right! she said to herself **Enough is Enough!** Time to stop this nonsense here and now. All of this silliness is being caused because of what's gone on in the past week; Danny getting shot, high levels of adrenalin and the non stop pressure of work. Things will settle down and return to normal when we all have time to take a breath and regroup. Now deep breath Ruth and carry on as normal.

After thanking Malcolm, making him blush a little as she said kind things to him she picked up her telephone and rang downstairs asking for a junior to be despatched to the Grid. When the young man arrived stepping onto the Grid with that wide eyed, slightly overwhelmed look that all first time visitors wore she sent him in Danny's direction. Danny looked up from his computer grinned at her and blew her a kiss. Really she thought the boy is impossible!

Her attention was drawn away from Danny and everything else as her phone rang and she found herself immediately plunged into a verbal post mortem with regards to the intelligence of the past couple of weeks and the analysis and interpretation of that intelligence. Five minutes into the conversation that was becoming a lecture on the part of the caller she called a halt stating that this was not the sort of thing that she was willing to discuss on the telephone and that a face to face encounter was what was required. And the sooner the better. So when Harry left his office and made his way across the Grid he found that his analyst was missing. Trying to sound as though he wasn't in the least concerned he enquired where she was only to be told she'd left for a quickly arranged meeting and no one knew when she would be back. He'd shrugged his shoulders and carried on towards the pods cursing his bad luck once more.

 _Harry had watched her as she exited the side room, it seemed to him that she couldn't get out of there quickly enough. It had all been going so well. He'd have to have been blind not to notice that she was checking him out and with a wry little smile he admitted to himself that he'd tried for the first time in years to suck his stomach in! Bloody Hell if he went on like this he'd be a basket case! Adam's voice had brought him back down to earth with a bump and he'd been forced to ask the younger man to repeat himself_

" _What I was saying Harry was that the Home Secretary seems to think this source can be trusted though why he should think that I don't know, but if the man can prove that all the recent attacks are in fact linked it should make it a bit easier to deal with them. If we can trace them back to just one source hopefully just one good lead should enable us to find a way in and neutralise the problem."_

 _Harry had thanked the younger man and asked him to gather together the latest intelligence they had and then accompany him to Whitehall, if the Home Secretary had got the bit between his teeth it might well take the two of them to talk him down. The man really did fancy himself as a man of action, in fact there were times when Harry was sure the idiot was going to suggest he be allowed small arms training. Stupid man!._

 _He'd been so deep in thought he 'd nearly missed Adam's apology, well all he really heard was the apology itself not the reason for it "And I'm really sorry about my timing Harry" was what he caught. On enquiring what he was apologising for Adam had looked quite uncomfortable at having to repeat his words_

" _What I said Harry was that I was sorry to have interrupted you and Ruth, it was, well it was obvious that something personal was going on, not work related I mean and she'd done all this for you and I, we just think that it's good that you and she are..." The look on Harry's face must have been as black as his mood was at that precise moment as his words trailed off into thin air and he stood with his hand on the door handle seemingly not knowing if he should stay or leave._

" _Well Thank You Mr. Carter I'm sure Ruth and I will feel a lot better knowing we have your blessing!" And he advanced towards the man who if he were not standing pressed up against a wall would have moved back "Just one tiny word of warning Mr. Carter for you and anyone else who thinks that they have the right to speculate about my private life and more importantly Ruth's private life **DON'T!** I hope I make myself perfectly clear, I do not want to hear another word on the subject. I'll be ready to leave in half and hour."_

 _Adam had left the room looking suitably chastised and Harry had sat down heavily on the bed cursing the goldfish bowl that was the security services. Hopefully he'd nipped the gossip in the bud and it hadn't yet escaped from the Grid he knew that he was and had been for years a subject of tittle tattle and speculation but Ruth was a different matter altogether. She'd been thrust into the limelight because of the tragic circumstances of Hugh Logan's death and he knew that she hadn't liked it at all. In fact that was one of the things she talked about quite a lot when they'd been together as he helped her with things relating to Logan and his affairs. He'd come to realise that Ruth was a very private person (Maybe that was why she'd so readily agreed to a secret wedding?) he speculated. If that was the case then she definitely wouldn't want any talk about her relationship with him being discussed in the corridors and rest rooms of Thames House. Oh Bugger! He thought and I've not even asked her yet!_

By the time she got back to the Grid Harry and Adam were long gone. Her trip upstairs had been frustrating and annoying in equal measure, sometimes she wondered if they were all on the same side. She'd in fact walked out before the meeting was brought to a formal close as she was very near her breaking point. If she'd had to listen to one more job's worth pontificating about things they knew nothing about she was sure she would have screamed, as it was she shredded a whole packet of paper tissues and broken a pencil in her annoyance. After updating the status of a couple of reports and sifting through the mound of information that seemed to have appeared as if by magic while she'd been upstairs she decided she make coffee and tidy the side room.

Looking around the room she saw that Harry had in fact put everything back as it had been before she moved things around. The bedding was all carefully folded and stacked on the bed, the flask washed and upturned on the draining board and a note addressed to her was sitting on the side table.

 _Ruth it read Once again many thanks for your kindness to me. It's been a long time since anyone took the time to consider my needs. I feel so much better this morning I've sent the towels and robe to the laundry,pocketed the pillow spray! And pinched the underwear (you must let me know how much I owe you) Please remind me to ask you about the tea, I think it really helped._

 _Harry xx_

She smiled when she read the note. Somehow she was sure he must have taken an age to write it, it was just so Harry and at the same time so unlike him and she slipped it into the pocket of her skirt before she moved to the bed intending to remove the cover and pillow cases before she sent them to the laundry as well. She'd already decided that the bedding should be bagged up and stored in case it should be needed at a later date. As she moved aside the pillows she noticed a white shirt, Harry must have missed it when he'd been tidying round. She picked it up and held it to her nose. Yes it was certainly Harry's shirt, she could smell him on it, his unique masculine, somehow comforting scent and for a moment she allowed her senses to take over completely. He smelt different to Hugh, Hugh wore a different cologne, his soap and shampoo had been different and he always had the smell of the hospital about him. Harry's scent was yes very different but no less comforting and pleasing for that. There was a tap on the door and as she shouted that she would be out in a moment she folded up the shirt telling herself she would take it home and launder it.


	21. Chapter 21

Backfire

Chapter Twenty One

Ruth had been avoiding Harry, not avoiding him per se as that was impossible, he was after all her boss, the man she had to report to every day, she was just making sure that they were never alone together for any length of time. She was last in the room and always first to leave and if Harry called her into his office she made sure the door was left open casually disregarding any invitations from Harry to take a seat, always averting her gaze if eye contact was made. She was she supposed trying to hide in plain sight. Something had shifted within her and she was finding that very difficult to come to terms with. It was almost as though she were back to the place she'd been when she'd first arrived on the Grid and had found herself drawn towards his raw, yes that was the only word for it ;his raw sexuality.

If that was all she could see in him now she would have been able to dismiss him as she had done then. She would have told herself that Harry Pearce seduced women the way some men sipped coffee. That he was unable to stop himself and now as then she would have made bloody sure she wasn't another notch on his bed post. But of course now was different because now she felt she'd been given the privilege of glimpsing maybe just a little of the real Harry Pearce.

Why she had often wondered had it been Harry who she'd turned to? At first she'd thought it was because she had no father to cling to and that she was using Harry to fill that gap but looking back she knew that wasn't true. Well maybe there had been a touch of that in the awful, frightening aftermath of Hugh's death but as the weeks and months had gone on there was less and less of that feeling.

At first it had just been friendship, he made her feel comfortable, he had so capably taken charge of things for her, had made sure that she wasn't worried by all the niggling little things that she was sure must have been lurking in the the same time he'd somehow managed to make sure that she was aware of everything that was going on and that every decision was hers and hers alone. She'd been so grateful to him for that. He'd never tried to invade her grief or her personal space but had always been ready with a clean hankie or a comforting cuddle. On one occasion he'd kissed her. Just a chaste kiss on her forehead when he'd dropped her at home after he'd picked her up at the station after she'd spent a particularly trying day in Exeter with her mother.

She'd been surprised and delighted to find him waiting for her as she stepped from the train, after all she'd only texted him a garbled message hours before to say that she was escaping the clutches of the wicked witch of the west and would we back in work the next morning. He couldn't have known which train she'd be catching but there he was and upon seeing him she'd felt safe and secure once more. Yes, he really was full of surprises. All the way home she'd argued with herself, should she invite him in or not? In the end he'd made that decision for her walking her to her door and then planting that unexpected kiss on her forehead. she recalled his lips had been warm and comforting and even now standing in the middle of the Grid she felt her fingers caressing the place that his lips had touched and she suddenly felt warm and...

 _He watched her from his glass box just as he always had. Because he_ _ **had**_ _always watched her. She had entranced him from that very first moment when she'd caught him so unawares, had slipped under his defences without him even realising that she was there and he been trying to catch her ever since._

 _After she'd taken up with Logan he'd told himself that he could be, would be content to be her friend and work colleague it had taken him by surprise when Malcolm told him that Logan was well aware of his feelings for Ruth.. Malcolm had been embarrassed he'd even brought the subject up but at the time they'd both been drinking, Malcolm's tongue, loosened by a particularly fine malt had run away with him and he'd said things that made Harry more careful in his dealings with Ruth, had made him withdraw from her as much as he was able._

 _But there were still times when he'd wanted to strike Logan who always made the point of "staking" his claim on Ruth whenever they were in the same company. It had been very difficult to watch the easy way that Logan touched Ruth,the way he made her laugh, to see the way they looked at each and his imagination would go into overdrive as his tortured mind envisaged them together in intimate situations._

 _And then he remembered with a shudder the lowest point in his fantasies, the thing that he would never, could never share with anyone, the fact that he'd contemplated Logan being the victim of an_ _ **"accident"**_ _whilst he was in Afghan. Of course fate had taken a hand and the cards had fallen in his favour but he knew that if Ruth ever got even a whiff of his musings he would never, ever get a chance to win her over. No, that musing would just join all the others that he kept within himself . It would simply join the other dark secrets that were slowly but surely destroying his soul and his sanity._

 _As he watched she lifted her fingertips to brush her forehead, a gesture that he found unbelievably erotic and he found his body responding to her. He had to have her and if he couldn't have her he needed to know that, needed to know that he'd tried to make her see what he could offer her._

 _He opened his top drawer and withdrew the envelope that Malcolm had given him. Taking out the embossed invitation he was sure that this would be the ideal opportunity to spend some time with Ruth away from the Grid. He was positive that it was something that would interest her, that she would be tempted to accept and as his mother used to say_ _ **every journey starts with the first step.**_ _So before he had chance to talk himself out of it he picked up his phone and dialled her number asking her to step into his office as soon as she answered, not waiting for a reply before he put the phone down._

 **Quite a short chapter but it seemed like a natural place to break. Let's hope Harry says the right things and Ruth does what we all know she really wants to do. But who knows with Ruth? She sometimes seems to feel the need to cut off her nose to spite her face!.**


	22. Chapter 22

Backfire

Chapter Twenty Two

Ruth looked towards his office hoping to catch his eye so that she could at least try to judge his mood. He'd sounded strange, curt and brusque on the phone and she'd decided she must have really dropped the ball. She stood for a moment running through the files she'd passed over to him during the past few days. Nothing sprang to mind, most of it had been quite mundane and routine. Maybe that was the problem, maybe she'd been too confident and she'd missed something? Maybe it was her turn to be on the wrong end of a famous Harry Pearce bollocking!

"You all right Ruth?" Danny asked as he came and stood beside her. "Anything I can help with?"

"No" she replied "I think I'm in for the mother of all telling s off, that's all." and she sighed as she walked across the Grid, notepad in hand. She didn't hear Danny as he mumbled under his breath "I shouldn't worry Ruth I don't think you've got anything to worry about. Not you."

She opened the door and walked in standing a couple of feet away from the desk hopping from foot to foot as she waited for Harry to finish his phone call. He gestured for he to sit down but she shook her head at his invitation. Placing his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone he hissed "For Christ's sake just sit down Ruth! This bloody idiot is driving me slowly demented, I don't need you to play silly beggars as well.

She couldn't ever remember him ever speaking to her like that and her first reaction was to bolt. To get out of the office as quickly as she could, this Harry frightened her a little, this was one aspect of his character that she wassn't fond of and it was the first time it had been projected onto her.

But berating herself she decided that she would take any sanction that Harry felt she needed with fortitude so she sat and waited for him to finish. Upon seeing her sit he mouthed _Thank You_ and smiled at her, a smile that crinkled his eyes and changed his whole persona and she relaxed a little. Maybe this wasn't going to be as bad as she feared.

He finally put the phone down and in an exasperated tone uttered one of his favourite lines "Bloody politicians" She couldn't help it she laughed out loud. "See that's what I've been missing" he said as he leant back in his chair. "Where have you been Ruth? Have I done something to upset you? Because if I have please tell me and I'll try to put it right."

She mumbled something about pressure of work whilst finding her finger nails very interesting so that she didn't notice Harry reach into his desk and draw out an envelope. Pushing it towards her he asked "What do you think of that Ruth?".

Leaning forward she picked it up and asked "May I?" before taking out the embossed invitation.

"Oh!" she said "You are so lucky Harry, they say that this will be wonderful and you've got an invite to attend before the exhibition goes on display to the general public. You will have a fascinating time Harry, I saw part of what the Chinese are sending in Beijing but my understanding is that the collection they are lending the British Museum is truly breathtaking. If you like I could make you a list of the pieces that I think you might find especially interesting. I envy you Harry, I really do." And she placed the embossed invitation back on his desk with care and not a little reverence.

Harry sat back in his chair and watched her reaction to the invitation. It had been all that he hoped it would be, she was animated and excited, her whole manner enthused with genuine pleasure and he could see her wonderful mind going a mile a minute as she tried to remember what she'd seen in Beijing so she could make him a list. A list he prayed he wouldn't need.

"I'm pleased that you think that I'll enjoy myself Ruth but in your excitement you didn't really read it did you?" And he raised an eyebrow in question.

Reaching forward she picked it up again and read _**Harry Pearce & Guest.**_"no I didn't spot that" she admitted. "Have you decided who'll you take Harry? I'm sure Malcolm would love to go with you or maybe..." Here her voice trailed off,who would he take? As far as she was aware Harry was not involved with anyone hadn't been for yonks but of course he could have a harem and a dozen children hidden somewhere. Deceit like that would be second nature to him.

"Well not Malcolm,I like Malcolm but not for something like this. And as to having someone in mind? Yes, yes I most definitely have. All I've got to do is ask her, but that's easier said than done, you see I don't want to spook her. I want her to understand that the invitation is friend to friend, although there is an element of wanting to get to know her a little better."

Ruth found that she was holding her breath. He'd said her, so there was someone he'd got his eye on,so Adam and Fiona had been wrong it wasn't her he was interested in. For a moment she was disappointed. Stupid woman! she chastised herself ,she knew she should be pleased for him, he deserved some fun in his private life, he gave so much to the job it would do him good to have someone. She speculated that it was someone he'd meet at one of the social events that his position made it necessary for him to attend and she envisaged a tall, blond beauty in her mid forties. Sophisticated and assured, just the sort of woman that Harry Pearce would be seen with.

"What do you say Ruth? Will you come with me and make sure that I don't make a complete fool of myself with my lack of knowledge about all things to do with ancient China? Please say you will Ruth we could both do with a I would really like to say Thank You for the way you looked after me the other night. What do you think?"

He sat back holding his breath, he'd done it now, burnt his boats and it was all in her hands he could do no more.

"Oh Harry! I don't know what to say are you really sure? Would it be proper do you think for me to come with you? Wouldn't people talk? But it would be just two friends spending some time together wouldn't it? And I'm sure that I could point out some interesting things to you, not that I'm saying that you don't already know a lot about..." Her voice trailed off as she realised that she was babbling.

Harry kept still and silent as he let her ramble, at least she hadn't turned him down flat, run from the room accusing him of using his position to proposition her. He allowed her to say out loud what he knew was going through her mind as she listed all the reasons she should say no but that word hadn't escaped her lips. Yet.


	23. Chapter 23

Backfire

Chapter Twenty Four

He stood in front of his wardrobe, doors wide open and the bed behind him covered in most of it's contents. This is bloody stupid he thought to himself, I've not been this nervous since I was a teenager. Just concentrate Pearce, just concentrate1 You see her every day, you dress every day knowing that you're going to see her, barring major catastrophe of course, so what's the big deal about today?

Of course the big deal was the fact that he was going on a date with Ruth; well in his mind it was a date. What it was in Ruth's mind he wasn't at all sure and if he were honest with himself he didn't want to examine the circumstances that had led them to this point too in spite of himself his mind wandered back to the scene in his office as Ruth sat going through the pros and cons of accompanying him to the British Museum, of being his plus one. He'd let her ramble until he was worried that she was going to talk herself out of going with him. Causing him to cut in quite decisively with the question

"Do you want to go Ruth? And if you do want to go why would you let what other people think stop you going? We're not going away to a country hotel for the weekend, I'm not whisking you away to my yacht, I'm not asking you to come up and see my etchings. I'm asking you to come with me to a pre-viewing of an exhibition that I know will fascinate you and I don't think I'm that boring and stuffy that you'd find my company that hard to bear. So what do you say Ruth?

And he'd waved the invitation under her nose in a playful manner.

Ruth had laughed. Good sign he'd thought to himself as he grasped the embossed card tightly waiting for her to reply.

"Etchings Harry? That's very nineteenth century don't you think? Yes, yes okay I would like to come with you. Thank you for asking me."

Then of course there followed a long conversation about whether Harry should pick her up or if she should make her own way there, as she'd said "Russell Street tube station is just around the corner Harry I can easily make my own way there. It'll save you the trouble of driving across London."

He argued that they might miss each other and it wasn't out of his way really, which was a lie and they both knew it but in the end she'd agreed to let him collect her on the proviso that he drove himself ,obviously worried about his driver becoming aware of their outing. He'd compromised by saying he'd take a cab as there may well be drinks and nibbles laid on and he had no intention of running the risk of being breathalysed.

All had seemed settled until the Thursday before when she'd come into his office unannounced and plonked herself down in the chair opposite him. He knew straight away that it was not work related, she didn't have her notebook with her and so he waited for the excuses that he was sure were coming, trying to second guess her so that he would be ready to change her mind.

"What if people find out Harry?" her voice caught him unawares so he didn't have time to reply before she carried on "What if people find out? Won't it undermine your authority, is this even allowed? Don't we have to fill in some sort of form or another? Will we, will you get into trouble for this? Do you think it's wise?"

He'd stood and gone to his door and closed it firmly, this was going to take some careful handling or she'd bolt and he'd be back at stage one and that was not a prospect that appealed to him in the least. This woman, he thought is bloody exhausting! And he knew for sure that if he didn't love her as much as he did he'd have given it up as a bad job long ago.

"What's brought this on?" he asked as he sat down opposite her " Why do you think that two friends going to an exhibition at the British Museum together could possibly be the source of gossip? I'm supposing that this panic because it looks like panic to me Ruth is caused by your fear of gossip? We are doing nothing underhand Ruth, nothing that can be misconstrued by anybody. And if it is it's their bloody fault! Not ours! Come on Ruth, we'll both enjoy it and we both deserve a bit of a distraction, a bit of a diversion if only for a few hours."

And he sat back watching her as her agile and active mind processed his words, trying to put them into the context of her worries.

"Would it be okay to tell the team if they ask what I'm up to this weekend?" she asked as though asking his permission to tell the whole world they were a couple. And then he realised just what a big deal this was to her, that she was telling him in her own painfully slow, strangely inarticulate way just what a big deal this all was. And he knew that he had to once again tread carefully.

"Well I can't see why they would ask can you? And if they do just tell them you're going to an exhibition with a friend, if they ask who the friend is either tell them to mind their own business or tell them it's me. It's that simple really Ruth, it's that simple."

As it was nobody had asked and as they exited the British museum both of them were relaxed and happy. The exhibits had been truly breathtaking and they had both been fully absorbed wandering around the Exhibition Gallery admiring and appreciating the offerings on show. At one point Ruth had whispered to Harry

"Everyone else seems to be just stood about drinking and talking Harry, don't you want to join them? If you want to I'll be fine on my own really I will."

He'd looked over at the groups of people stood around drinks in hand who he knew from experience would be talking, asking polite question but not really listening to the answers. Most of them totally bored with the whole situation and he baulked at the idea of joining them. Never again he hoped would he part of that. Turning to Ruth he'd taken her hand and guided her to an exhibit at the other end of the gallery and within moments she'd forgotten about the cliché at the other end of the space so engrossed was she by the intricately carved jade horses and dragons on display. They had moved from display to display case enraptured by what they saw. Well Ruth was enraptured by the exhibits Harry spent quite a lot of the time watching Ruth and the pleasure on her face which he found endearing and God help him arousing.

"Shall we get a drink?" he asked. And they walked together to the place where the drinks and refreshments were laid out on tables waiting for the guests, they were surprised to find that there were very few people about and when Harry checked his watch he was surprised to see the time.

"It would seem Ruth that time does indeed fly when you're having fun" he quipped and she laughed with him enjoying the closeness that this moment gave them.

Harry was torn, part of him wanted to ask her to go for a meal and a drink with him, the other more pragmatic part of his brain was telling him not to push his luck, to be grateful for what he'd received, and he received a lot. Ruth had been relaxed in his company, they'd laughed softly together, they'd seemingly both appreciated the same things in the exhibition, both being drawn to the carved jade horses, both entranced by the delicate power they emanated. Ruth had touched him on a number of occasions, patting his arm, nudging his shoulder with hers and once she took hold of his hand as she pulled him towards a case she'd spotted on the other side of the gallery. Yes it had been a good day, a day that he didn't want to end, but how to make that happen?

Ruth turned to him saying "Well it seems Harry that we missed out on the drinks and the food. How do you feel about me taking you for a curry? I know this little place just around the corner, it's not posh or anything but the foods wonderful. What do you say? My treat."

As they walked towards the restaurant Harry took off his tie and undid a couple of the top buttons of his shirt. Ruth looked at him quizzically and he laughed as he replied "Don't want to be overdressed do I?" And they laughed again and Ruth had taken his tie from him placing it carefully in her handbag.

It was early evening so the place was not packed and they found a table by the window. It was a buffet and the food was indeed delicious, Harry found himself sampling dishes that he'd not tasted before encouraged by Ruth and the waiters who seemed to delight in encouraging him to be adventurous. Harry had asked for the wine list but Ruth had taken it out of his hands telling him that they would be drinking Indian beer with their meal. When it came there were no glasses, Harry couldn't remember the last time he drunk out of a bottle but decided to go with it and by the third one he was happy and at ease with the whole situation.

Finally Harry sat back, during the course of the meal he taken off his jacket and rolled the cuffs of his shirt back. "Well I don't know about you Ruth but to quote my dear old granddad _I've had the elegance of sufficiency_ and if I eat another morsel I'll explode!"

Ruth smiled at him and indicated that she was going to the toilet asking him to order her a coffee ,as she threaded her way through the tables he watched her all the time strategizing as to how he'd make this magic happen again. A waiter appeared at his elbow enquiring if everything was okay and asking if he could get them anything else. Harry ordered two coffees as the man cleared the table and turned to leave. Slowly he turned back and leaning in a little closer to Harry he said

"Can I just say sir that it's nice to see you and your wife here, she used to be a regular, but we haven't seen her lately, I hope that we'll welcome you both back in the near future."

And he turned and walked away leaving a bemused Harry staring after him. He was so deep in thought that he failed to notice that Ruth had joined him.

"Penny for your thoughts?" she teased and smiled as she waited for his response. He returned her smiled and his eyes came to rest on her hands, off course her wedding ring! The waiter had surmised that they were married, that Ruth was his wife and in that moment he had no intention whatsoever to put the man straight. No let them all think they were married

Leaving the restaurant with promises to return soon they stood on the pavement. In this part of London black cabs passed all the time and it would have only taken a moment to flag one down but Ruth asked Harry if they could walk for a little before hailing one. They strolled down Bedford Way past Tavistock Square chatting about what they had seen, what a wonderful meal they'd had both of them deliberately not talking about the Grid and work. Harry desperately wanted to ask Ruth why she hadn't taken Hugh to the restaurant, she had obviously been a regular there in the past but he didn't want to break the bubble that they seemed to be inhabiting.

By the time they reached Euston Road it had begun to rain and Harry stepped into the road and hailed the first cab that passed. Climbing inside he gave the driver Ruth's address and they settled back to watch London pass them by. Both of them were suddenly quiet, the moment broken by the presence of another human being.

When the cab reached Ruth's home Harry walked her to her door and waited whilst she removed the piece of paper slotted so carefully into the gap between the door and the frame and then opened the door. Harry said his goodnight and his thanks and turned to leave. The sound of Ruth's voice made him pivot and turn. Ruth placed her hand on his cheek, leant forward and kissed him,lightly and so quickly that Harry wasn't even sure it had happened before she said softly "Thank you Harry I've had a wonderful time, you're very good company". And before he could gather himself together to formulate a reply she stepped inside and closed the door.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty Five

Harry Pearce stood in his office, he was tired, he was filthy and he was utterly and completely fed up to the back teeth with politicians; their posturing and their lies. After the quiet calm and rejuvenation of Saturday, Sunday had come crashing down on his shoulders like a ton of proverbial bricks.

Just before lunchtime there had been a Red Flash that had pulled him away from his thoughts of Ruth and how he would build on what he perceived to be the success of their "date". He thought, no he was almost sure she'd enjoyed herself. After all she'd been the one who'd suggested they go for a meal, she could have just thanked him and cut the night short and gone home, but no she seemed to want their time together to be longer than they'd planned. She'd been the one who'd suggested they take a walk after they'd eaten and she'd been the one who kissed him when he'd walked her to her door. Being in her company had made him feel younger, more carefree than he had in an age. He'd found himself almost without any serious thought opening up to her. Telling stupid jokes acting the fool until he'd managed to rein himself in but he'd enjoyed it whilst he'd allowed himself to indulgence in the pretext of normality. And as he remembered and smiled in acknowledgement of the way he'd dared to let his barriers down a little voice in his head kept repeating

 _That could be normality if you were with her. You can trust her, you can show her who the real Harry Pearce is. She can be trusted to keep your secret; the fact that you are just the same as any man. The fact that you have a heart, the fact that you long to love and be loved!_

But did he have the right to burden her with that? Did he have the right to draw her into his dark, desperate world. A world full of lies and deceptions, a world so dark and disgusting that most of the time he felt unclean, fetid. Was loving Ruth and having Ruth love him the last desperate act of a broken, limited man grasping for salvation before it was too late?

But she had kissed him!He'd replayed that brief kiss, that delicate touch of her lips over and over again, trying hard not to read too much into it but she'd kissed him on his lips. She could have kissed his brow, his forehead or his cheek but she'd chosen to kiss his lips. He wished that he'd been more alert, more aware of what she was going to do so that he could have savoured the moment, so that he could have had time to put a clear image of it in his mind but as it was it was jumbled and transitory and therefore highly unsatisfactory. But it was their first kiss even if he had not been a full partner in it.

Yes Sunday had been his until his phone broke into his private world; a world of contemplation and quiet longing. He was he supposed in a worse pickle than he had been before. If their "date" had been a disaster he would have had something concrete to fight against, he could have taken the initiative and gone into full Harry Pearce seduction mode but as it was he now knew that was not going to work. He'd known it all along really but Saturday had just confirmed the fact. No he would have to wait for Ruth to make the next move. She was in charge of this part of their relationship, she had been from the first moment they meet and he was going to have to get used to that fact even though it went against his nature. Harry Pearce was very much the hunter and so waiting for Ruth's reaction and consequent actions to the events of Saturday would be difficult.

As he'd stepped onto the Grid, his eyes as they always did went straight to her desk but it was empty and her handbag was missing along with her jacket. He had not seen her since Saturday as his time since the Red Flash had been spent away from the Grid. He hadn't even been able to talk to her on the phone and it left him feeling strangely empty that she wasn't sat at her desk waiting to flash him her shy smile as he stepped out of the pods. Adam must have seen more than he'd intended because he said quietly in his ear

"She's meeting an asset in Hyde Park, nothing to do with the present difficultiesbut she felt that she needed to keep on top of the matter and who am I to argue with Ruth?"

He'd merely nodded and walked across the Grid to his office not even breaking his stride shocked by how much the lack of her presence had affected him. And for one deep dark moment he wondered how he would cope if he didn't know she was safe, if there wasn't a fair chance that he'd see her every day, how he would cope if for some reason she was no longer on the Grid.

 _No don't even go there Pearce_ he admonished himself.

It was then he noticed the large cardboard box sitting by the side of his sofa. Walking over to it he saw that it was addressed to him but the label was type written so no clue there. He nudged it with his foot, it was heavy and he thought he could here the faint clink of glass. Of course nudging it was a pretty stupid thing to do but then again it must have passed the security checks at the front desk or it would never have made it up here. No it would have been opened, all the contents taken out, examined minutely and then repacked and resealed before it was even allowed over the threshold of Thames House. Now he was intrigued so taking off his crumpled jacket and discarding his tie he sat down and pulled the box towards him.

Taking a paper knife he cut carefully through the tape and pulled back the flaps to reveal a large brown jiffy bag, picking it up and weighing it in his hands he was sure it was a book. Opening it his face broke into a huge grin, he was holding a copy of **Madhur Jaffrey's Ultimate Curry Bible** there could only be one person it was from and he was elated. But then the spook inside him began to worry what if it wasn't from Ruth, what if it was from someone who'd seen them together, someone who was telling him that he, they were being watched? Placing the book on the desk he removed the next layer of packing and found he was looking at a dozen bottles of Indian beer and an envelope addressed to him. He opened it and was relieved to recognise the handwriting and he found himself reading the words out loud to himself

 _Dear Harry_

 _Thank you for a wonderful afternoon and evening, it's been a long time since I've felt so carefree, yes that's the word carefree. I must admit I was a little surprised about your lack of knowledge with regard to curry (what on earth did you do with your time in Oxford?) so I decided that the best thing to do was to gift you a book on the subject and after all Madhur Jaffrey is the queen of curry!_

 _I've added a few bottles of beer but no glasses! Remember Harry always out of the bottle!_

 _Ruth_

 _xx_

 _P.S. I've taken the liberty of including some research materials which I've marked based on our shared experience the other night. Just call me if you need any help analysing them!_

Delving down the side of the tightly packed bottles he found a selection of India takeaway menus all of them within his postcode area, some of them within walking distance. He sat back in his chair trying to work out if this was just another act of kindness on her part or whether it was her reaching out to him. If it was her indicating that she might like to spend more time with him. His musings were cut short by a sharp knock on door followed by Adam looking excited and eager

"What the bloody hell have you got there Harry? No never mind that I think, no I'm almost sure Malcolm has traced _White Two._ Can you come and look at the data or shall we patch it through to you and we'll all come in here?"

Harry quickly scanned his office taking in the box and it's packing, the book, the beer and the leaflets. No too much to explain he thought and he made the decision in a spilt second, "I'll come out to you" he replied as he pushed himself away from his desk before following Adam out of his office, only pausing to drop the blind and lock the door behind himself.

 _Ruth hurried through the streets of London turning off Stamford Street onto Redcross Way. She'd hailed a taxi on Hyde Park Corner but then decided she needed some time to gather herself before she came face to face with Harry again. She'd spent Sunday morning going over and over in her mind the events of the last evening trying to make sense of them and her feelings about them. Then the Red Flash had pulled her back to the real world and pondering she might or might not have in regard to Harry Pearce were by necessity put on the back burner._

 _Harry it turned out was really good company, he was funny,well read and just a little bit naughty in the way a small boy would be. She'd also got the impression that he was very lonely,it had never occurred to her in the months following Hugh's death to question how a man like Harry Pearce could at the drop of a hat be available to talk to her, to give her any assistance that she requested. But as she thought about the situation it struck her that he probably didn't have anything else to do and that had made her feel very sad. On the other hand she'd also felt tremendously privileged that he seemed to want to spend time with her and that as they spent time together he'd opened himself to her, and giving her the impression that he had begun to trust her enough to allow her inside the shell he'd built around himself._

 _She'd had a really good time on Saturday, had felt comfortable with him, felt comfortable enough to touch him and let him touch her and that was a big thing. She was not a tactile person hadn't been since the untimely death of her father. Since then whenever anyone had gone to put their arms around her or even rubbed their hands up her arms in a conciliatory manner she'd frozen not knowing how to respond. Not knowing what was expected of her. That was of course until Hugh, darling Hugh who'd changed everything for her. Darling Hugh who'd made her believe in herself, who'd convinced her she was worth loving, was worth all the good things that life had to offer. Yes Hugh had made it all possible for her and deep in her heart she knew that he would want her to continue to experience all that life had to offer her: even now when he was no longer around to share those experiences with her. That he would not want her to slide back into her old ways,would not want her to run and hide as she had done in the past._

 _Maybe that was why she'd not pulled away when Harry had taken her hand in the gallery pulling her towards exhibits that he thought would interest her, why she' d found the strength to invite him to eat with her and then the totally unexpected kiss when he'd dropped her at her door! She done it without really thinking about it, it had just felt right but why had she kissed him on his lips? If it had been just a friendly kiss to thank him for a wonderful time it would surely have been his cheek she would have aimed for? But his lips! What had she been thinking!_

 _She stopped dead causing a man behind her to collide with her almost knocking her off her feet. By the time they had finished apologising to one another she'd managed to get her thoughts into some sort of order though she still wasn't sure what those thoughts meant. Spotting a small café she went inside and after ordering a tea and a scone she sat at a table near the back to enjoy the solitude whilst she wrestled with her feelings and how she would deal with seeing him for the first time since Saturday. Then she remembered the gift she had left for him! What ever had possessed her to do something so personal? She felt that she was getting in way over her head. Did she want to do that, did she have the strength, the courage to see where Harry might lead her or should she pull back now while she was still safe?_


	25. Chapter 25

Backfire

Chapter Twenty Six

As she pushed her way onto the Grid her eyes strayed automatically to his office but the blinds were down so there was no way of knowing if he was in there or even if he had come back from the round of meetings that had monopolised his time since Sunday.

Sighing she took off her coat and made her way to the kitchen to put the kettle on. She didn't want another drink she was awash with ruddy tea but she was sure her work mates would welcome the chance of refreshment and the break a cuppa and a biscuit would afford them. Also she thought maybe one of them would let slip whether Harry had been seen yet or if he was still in Whitehall.

As she waited for the kettle to boil she asked herself again what had possessed her to have that bloody box delivered and here of all places! If she was going to give him a gift surely sending it to his home would have been safer but that would have been more personal somehow and she wasn't yet sure just how personal she wanted her friendship with Harry to be.

As she stared off into space she found herself thinking the one thought that had been plaguing her every spare moment since Saturday; why did this have to be so difficult! With Hugh it had all been so straightforward. They'd meet; been attracted to one another and then they'd allowed things to progress at their own pace. True there were times when she'd felt as though she was being swept along on a tide of emotion that she was not used to or capable of dealing with but they'd managed in the end hadn't they? They'd been happy very happy and she was sure they still would be happy if fate had not intervened. And yes there was another thing that she had to wrestle with. By allowing her feelings for Harry to develop was she being disloyal to Hugh and his memory?

She knew that she felt guilty when she found her musings to be filled with thoughts of Harry and not as had been in the past of Hugh. But was that so wrong?Hugh was gone and as that thought weighed upon her she let out a small sob of anguish well aware that the tiny kitchen attached to the Grid was not the place to indulge in such introspection.

The kettle clicked off and she was grateful for the diversion that making a pot of tea offered; she allowed herself a brief smile as she opened the box of biscuits she'd stowed under the work top a few days earlier before calling out to let everyone else know that she'd brewed up and awaited the rush. She was not kept waiting very long as Danny almost knocked her down in his eagerness to get a drink

"You're a gem, a lifesaver" he said "Oh! and biscuits as well. You don't happen to have a three course meal and a clean shirt somewhere about your person do you Ruth? No, well never mind this will do very nicely to be going on with."

He was soon joined by the rest of their colleagues who poured themselves a drink and delved into the box of biscuits with gusto and she took the chance to slip back onto the Grid in case Harry returned to find no one manning the phones. She was soon joined by the others, drinks and assorted biscuits in hand. As she'd anticipated they took the time to catch their breath, even Malcolm who came out of the kitchen clutching a Garibaldi and a couple of Jammie Dodgers as though they were gold. He came and sat down next to her enquiring

"How did your meet go? Anything useful that you can share because I swear Ruth I'm just about fed up to the back teeth with this fiasco we find ourselves embroiled in at the moment. And I know I'm not the only one, Harry was telling me that he's just about ready to tear somebodies head off."

"Oh, he's been in then?" she asked trying to keep her voice as calm and level as she could. "Did he want anything special doing? I can't see anything on my desk but I've not opened any e mails yet so maybe there's a nasty surprise or two waiting for me in my in box?"

Can't help you I'm afraid" Malcolm replied "To tell you the truth he looked all in, I tried to persuade him to go home but I can guarantee that he took no notice at all and I would think that he's back in Whitehall at the moment using every trick in the book to curb his sarcasm as he deals with _Our Lords and Masters._ Do you know Ruth I wouldn't have his job for all the tea in China!"

Ruth smiled to herself Malcolm was such a love, she hadn't heard the saying about tea and China for years , but she knew just what he meant and once more she wondered how Harry managed it. She knew, probably better than any of them what his feelings about their _Lords and Masters_ really were but he always managed to play with a straight bat, almost always managed to mask his true feelings. And she found her self wondering for a brief moment what that must have cost him over the years.

She was brought back from her daydreaming by a light touch on her arm and she was aware that Malcolm had taken the liberty of moving closer to her. Looking round to see that no one was in earshot he leaned in a little closer before he said

"I'm worried about him Ruth, I've known him a long time and I sense something different about him. He needs a friend at the moment, someone who can take him out of himself, someone who has his best interests at heart. Oh I know that you're going to say that person should be me but if it is to be me it will only end up with us polishing off a bottle or two of good single malt and when our heads are clear and we can think again he will be in just the same place as where we started. No Ruth not me!" And he looked straight at her.

"I'll think about it Malcolm" she found herself saying before she'd had time to think about it "After all how can I not when you ask so nicely and with a Jammie Dodger in your hand! Who would have thought it Malcolm Wynn Jones a secret Jammie Dodgers addict!" And they both laughed as Malcolm turned away to return to his cubby hole. Malcolm smiled to himself he was sure that they both just needed a little nudge in the right direction. They were getting there but he felt they needed a little help. He'd come across them on the CCTV from Saturday night, had tracked their progress across London whilst he was doing a routine sweep. Of course he wiped all evidence of their time together but if he'd come across it who else might? No he needed them to become closer before outside influences began to encroach on the burgeoning relationship that they were cultivating.

As she turned on her computer and began to trawl through her e mails Ruth's mind wandered back to what Malcolm had said. What would be the harm? They would just be two people who worked together spending some leisure time together. She was positive that she could control her increasing awareness of Harry as a man as opposed to her friend and boss and she'd enjoyed his company the other night plus she was sure that Malcolm was correct: Harry's idea of recreation did seem to consist almost entirely of alcohol consumption and that could not be good for him neither in the short or long term. Added to the mix was the fact that she was positive that Harry had no designs on her at all! She was just not his type.

Oh this was just to bloody difficult! Better to stick to what she was good at: preventing terrorist attacks in the heart of London and helping Harry keep the Americans and the Russians at bay. Yes that was much more in her comfort zone and so as she often did when she was confronted by real life Ruth immersed herself in her work.

When he finally returned from yet another fruitless trip to Whitehall he felt as though his head might explode! He knew that he was being played, that Six were pushing to see just how far they could go before he would bite back. It was a game that they'd played for years. He'd come to expect it, indeed as every new Director of Six was appointed he would wait for the entertainment to begin and it was entertainment as far as he was concerned. He'd always enjoyed watching their cockiness evaporate as Harry Pearce showed them how the game should be played but this time there was something different, this time he had a feeling that it was not just Six that was involved. He'd have a word with Malcolm and get him to see what he could find when he lifted some stones and the wild life crawled out.

As he passed her desk he could see that Ruth was totally immersed in her work, earphones on, eyes closed, pen flying rapidly across paper as she listened to whatever it was she was listening to. He was sure that it would be totally incomprehensible to him and the majority of the others on the Grid but Ruth was different. Ruth was what made a difference to his team. He wanted to go and talk to her but there was too much to do, he knew that his desk would be piled high, that his in-box would be full and no doubt his answer phone would also be overloaded; much better to stay in his comfort zone for the moment, best to stick to what he knew best.

Despite Harry's assumption that she was so immersed in her work that she wasn't aware of his presence the opposite was in fact the truth. She didn't know when or where it had happened but these days she was always very aware of Harry when he was in close proximity to her. She was somehow very conscious of the way he moved through a space with a commanding masculinity. As he passed she battled with herself, half of her prayed that he would pass by without stopping, would carry on to his office and leave her in relative peace. The other treacherous part hoped that he would stop and indulge in the playful banter that he seemed to reserve only for her. That he would lean in and drop good natured ribbing in her ear. That he would flirt with her!

But he walked straight past her calling for Malcolm to join him immediately. It was then that Ruth really began to regret the fact that she had been stupid enough to kiss Harry Pearce! And why oh why had she thought it was a good idea to send him such a personal gift?

 **On reading this I find that we haven't moved on very far but please believe me we are getting there it's just taking longer than I'd planned. I suppose I could have Ruth throwing herself at him in his office and them "shagging" across his desk but would that be them? I think they merit more.**


	26. Chapter 26

Backfire

Chapter Twenty Seven

 _ **Somehow or other I have made a reall mess of numbering the chapters of this story and the more I have tried to rectify it the worse it's got! Ihope that those of you who are reading this tale can forgive me and that it doesn't take too much away from any enjoyment you might be getting from reading. Thank's to all of you who are reading and many thanks to kind people who leave reviews.**_

" _ **Of all the words of mice and men the saddest are, "It might have been"**_

 _ **Kurt Vonnegut**_

This quote has turned into the inspiration for this chapter.

Ruth hadn't slept well. Not an unusual occurrence, it was something that she was used to. Not sleeping seemed to be the norm for her these days. It had been before she'd shared her life and her bed with Hugh and now that he was gone chronic insomnia was back with a vengeance. At three o'clock this morning she'd laughed mirthlessly to herself when she'd remembered the practical steps she'd taken to make sure that Harry got some rest. The phrase "PhysicianHeal Thyself" had pranced and cavorted through her brain until she thought she would scream out loud; only leaving her when she'd got up and made herself a cup of camomile tea. She'd been very tempted then to call it quits and go into Thames House but that would mean accepting defeat, would mean that she would have to acknowledge that she couldn't control her own mind and body and she wasn't go to do that.

And as a result of that decision here she was late! And not by a few minutes but by a full hour give or take five minutes. She was never late for anything it was a matter of pride with her that she was always where she was supposed to be and always on time. Just another quirk of her painful, tedious character she mused as she stared at the passing London traffic.

She'd surfaced from sleep this morning with a fuzzy head full of cotton wool and a brain that simply refused to let go of the dreams/nightmares that had been her companions since she returned to bed at three thirty.

At first they had been pleasant. She was with Hugh, they were sprawled on a blanket under the shade of a tree; Hugh was feeding her strawberries, teasing her with one as he passed it over her lips before he pulled it away: taking a bite from it before leaning into kiss her. He'd tasted of strawberries and Hugh and love and she could distinctly remember groaning in her sleep as she felt the need for him and his presence surge through her body. For an all too brief glorious moment somewhere in her subconscious he was there with her, loving her, showering her with affection and tenderness and for a moment she felt whole again.

And then it all changed, suddenly he was gone. She could still see him but he was out of reach and she knew that he was in terrible danger. She called to him, trying to warn him but he couldn't?, wouldn't? hear her. He turned his back and began to walk away from her towards a brightness that hurt her eyes, she called again, sobbing his name, feeling the tears coursing down her cheeks but he kept on walking away without a backward glance and the taste of strawberries on her lips turned sour and acrid making her gasp at the sudden bitterness.

The scene changed once more and she was standing in a churchyard laying flowers against a headstone. The grave was new, covered in floral tributes that were not yet withered away to dust their brightness and lustre a sharp contrast to the greyness of their surroundings. She was confused, Hugh was not buried here she was sure of that, after all she'd moved heaven and earth to make sure that he'd been cremated as he'd wished. So who was she visiting? She daren't look because she knew who it was and she couldn't face confirming that. She sensed someone behind her, heard voices but they seemed to be coming from a long way away or maybe they were behind an invisible glass wall but in a strange complicated way that she could neither comprehend or fully grasp she felt rather than heard the words they were saying

" _ **Such a shame"**_ the first voice intoned _**"Of course it was bound to happen sooner rather than later the way that he'd been acting lately. Just a pity that he didn't have something more than the job to fill his life. He always struck me as a cold fish but who knows with the right person he could have been different."**_

And then another voice one that she recognised as Malcolm was speaking _**" He did have a chance you know for friendship if nothing else. And ultimately that's what he needed. Someone who would accept him warts and all but of course he was just too bloody stubborn and maybe a little worried about rejection to offer that friendship. A great shame for both parties"**_

" _ **And the other person?"**_ asked the first speaker _**"Oh the other person didn't have the courage either. So we were left with two people who would have, could have been so much to one another floundering around looking for a meaning to their separate, isolated lives. Both of them too proud, too fearful to reach out the hand of friendship. Eventually it all got too much and they left the service moved on only they didn't really. Neither one of them did. And now it's too late for them both"**_ And she could clearly feel the pain and regret in Malcolm's voice as it faded into the background.

Things changed once more. She was still in a churchyard but a different one. The grave was untidy, unloved as though no one had been near or by it for an age. Once again she knew who's it was, she didn't need to look to confirm that this was her last resting place. So it appeared that she'd lived the rest of her life alone, died alone and been mourned by no one. Looking towards the horizon she saw two figures standing apart from each other. As they walked towards her they each held out their arms towards her. As they came closer she recognised Hugh first and she ran towards him sobbing his name but as she got to within arms distance of him her seemed to fade away and the figure behind him took his place with arms held open for her to fall into. She couldn't see his face but she knew who it was. After all she was fully attuned to every nuance of him by now. They stood facing one another neither seeming able to bridge the small gap between them and as she watched in spellbound horror he seemed to shrink away from her. Getting smaller and smaller until he finally disappeared as well.

She'd woken with a start, breath catching in her throat, clutching at her pillow which she noticed with a certain amount of detachment was sodden. Rushing to the bathroom she was sick in the sink allowing herself to cry the tears that had threatened all the way through her dream. After she'd calmed down she'd rung the Grid speaking to Adam informing him that she was running late but that she'd be in as soon as she was able. If he'd thought it strange that someone as anally retentive about punctuality as Ruth was admitting that she would be late for work he kept those thoughts to himself simply telling her that all was quiet and that she should take as much time as she needed. And so she did, she made herself scrambled egg on toast and coffee before taking out her tablet; using it to confirm what she already knew. Finally satisfied that she was armed with the right information she poured herself a second cup of coffee and made plans going over and over in her head what she anticipated might happen if, no when she put her plan into action.

Her arrival on the Grid was a bit of a anti-climax, she'd imagined that she would get her leg pulled for being late and so she'd prepared herself for that but no one seemed to notice. Danny was out as was Adam, Fiona was buried under a pile of paperwork and Malcolm was where he always was tucked away in a world of his own. Slipping into his cubby hole she tapped him lightly on the shoulder making him start a little but any displeasure he may have been feeling about being disturbed was quickly replaced with pleasure as he saw who it was.

"Can I ask you a question Malcolm?" she asked him quietly "In private" she added looking around the Grid that seemed to be rapidly filling with bodies.

"Later Ruth" he said "Adam is taking the daily briefing, Harry's not coming in till later and Adam decided that he'd better delay until you arrived. Fiona must have let him know you were here as everyone else seems to be returning. Come on let's go and bag our seats and then we can talk in the meeting room when everyone else leaves. That okay with you Ruth?"

The meeting turned out to be a relatively boring routine affair, just a couple of "Persons of Interest" to be researched and the mention of an up and coming summit that was to be held in a country hotel in the depths of the English countryside. They would of course be responsible for the security aspect of the operation and Adam asked on Harry's behalf that preliminary research and analysis be undertaken so that work could begin on a comprehensive proposal to be submitted to the Home Secretary.

As the others trooped out of the room Adam looked at Ruth and Malcolm who were still sitting at the table notepads in front of them, pens in hand. Before he could say anything Malcolm jumped in

"Ruth and I need some peace and quiet Adam so that we can formulate how best to approach this. When we walk out there all Hell will break loose. Everyone will want us to assist them with their part of the task so we just need to sit here in the calm and get the priorities straight in our heads. You do understand that don't you Adam? Now be a good chap and close the door behind you and tell that rabble out there we're not to be disturbed."

Adam had quirked an eyebrow at them and Ruth was sure he was going to say something cutting but all he did say was "No more than an hour you two. We really do need to get on with this and while it's bordering on the, no don't worry" he intoned as he saw the look of alarm on the faces across the table "I'm not going to mention the **Q** word! Just no more than an hour.

When they were alone and the door was firmly closed Malcolm turned his chair towards her and asked softly "What can I help you with Ruth? You look as though you need to talk to someone and I'm honoured you've chosen me. Is it Hugh? Oh Ruth I don't know what to tell you. Grief is such a personal thing and I'm not very good with things like feelings." And he reached out to briefly touch her forearm in a request for understanding.

"I had a dreadful dream last night Malcolm" she told him "Hugh was in it but there was someone else. I couldn't see their face but I knew who it was, he offered me his friendship but I wasn't brave enough to take it because, because I feared that friendship might lead to other things. So I never took the step towards him and he vanished and then I was alone again. It was all jumbled up really but it scared me Malcolm. I know that Hugh is gone but I don't know if I can, if I want to put myself through the pain of loss again. Oh Malcolm! I'm just so confused!"

"Would Hugh want you to be alone Ruth? Would he want you to be lonely and unhappy. I watched from the sidelines as you blossomed Ruth. As you discovered who you could be and you were a different person. You radiated happiness and contentment, you made those of us who were,are alone envious Ruth but now I, we are having to watch as you stumble back into the morass of loneliness and regret that could be, will be the norm for you if you don't take a chance. You were brave once Ruth. Be brave again!" And with that he stood and left her sitting at the table.

Harry returned much later that day looking as he always seemed to these days disgruntled and annoyed. As he passed through the Grid Danny stage whispered "Oh happy days!" Causing Harry to whip around his face like thunder as he enquired whether Danny fancied a posting somewhere ending in "stan" before he marched into his office slamming the door behind him.

A chastened Danny sidled up to Fiona murmuring "Well this might be a good time to see if Operation Keep Harry Sweet still works don't you think? Because I don't fancy being the one he takes his bad temper out on for the foreseeable future." And with that he approached Ruth's desk his best little boy lost face firmly in place.

"Yes Mr. Hunter, how can I help you" she sweetly intoned quite enjoying Danny's discomfort knowing what he was about to ask her, knowing that she would comply because doing so would suit her plans very well indeed.

"The boss, he seems to be in need of drink don't you think? You know a cup of tea before he hits the bottle and well if I make it there's a bloody good chance he'll throw it at me before he drinks it."

Saying nothing Ruth simply got up and walked to the small kitchen and went about the task of brewing a pot of tea and a pot of instant coffee. Opening the fridge to get the milk she also removed the two filled rolls that she'd purchased on the way into work. After calling to tell everyone she'd brewed up she placed two mugs and the rolls on a tray and made her way to Harry's door, nodding to Danny to indicate that he should open it for her.

As she walked into the space Harry was slumped at his desk the whisky bottle and glass on the desk in front of him but she didn't think he'd started on the liquor yet; there was no smell of whisky in the air. Without lifting his eyes Harry barked out "Sod off who ever it is and if it's you Mr. Hunter here to apologise, well you can F*** Off and pack a bag because I see a long journey ahead of you young man!"

"Cup of tea Harry? She asked softly as she placed the tray on his desk pulling up a chair for herself showing him that she intended to join him. For the first time since she'd entered the office he looked up and she saw the beginnings of a smile playing across his features. He smiled at her as he took the tea and one of the rolls and they sat together in the peace and quiet. Two friends together.

"Harry" she asked waiting until she was sure she had his full attention before she carried on "Harry do you fancy coming to the pictures with me? There's a film on at the Phoenix that I would really like to see and it's more fun with two don't you think?" As no answer was forthcoming she hurried on it's "Far from the Madding Crowd" the sixties version with Terence Stamp. I just adore Terence Stamp, I think it's something about his eyes, they are magnetic. They just draw you in, you could just immerse yourself in those eyes." And she sat back and waited feeling she'd said too much, made a fool of herself.

"Oh you like eyes do you Ruth? He asked casually as his eyes roved over her, pools of dark promise pulling her in to their fathomless depths where a person could _**truly**_ drown she thought.

He isn't aware that he's doing it she told herself, he means nothing by it, he's just being playful just like he was when we were out the other evening. You should be flattered that he can relax this much with you don't run now, don't run now! So she simply laughed at him before replying sweetly

"Yes I like eyes Harry preferably when they come as a pair, you know one each side of a nose! So what do you say? Are you game or not?"

 **Well this has gone on a bit don't you think? There just didn't seem to be a natural place to end it till now. And all inspired by A level homework. Not mine it's been a long time since I did A levels!**


	27. Chapter 27

Backfire

Chapter Twenty Seven

 _ **Your wish is my command**_

 _ **Three wishes and a kiss on the lips**_

 _ **That's my command**_

 _ **Anything that you want in the world is my command**_

 _ **Lyrics by Adam West (I think!)**_

It was two very happy people who exited the cinema more than a week later. It hadn't been an easy ride getting here but nothing with these two ever was.

Harry was feeling particularly proud of himself and his self restraint during the last week, he'd not pushed it, he'd not crowded her, he'd tried to keep it all friendly and low key while inside he was feeling like a stupid boy counting off the days till he got to take his sweetheart on a date! They'd shared a couple of working lunches in his office and miracle of miracle she'd allowed him to put her in a taxi one night when they'd both been working late. She'd asked him to share with her but he refused saying that he had a late, late meeting in Whitehall.. That was a lie, the fact was he couldn't bear the thought of just leaving her at her door whilst paradoxically he was terrified that she might ask him in.

Looking back he realised that he'd acted like a prize plum when Ruth had invited him to join her on this outing. **Not a date, not a date** he kept intoning to himself but every time he did it was replaced by a stronger voice saying **Maybe not but sooner or later it will be!** No, he remembered with some embarrassment sitting behind his desk tea mug raised to his lips wondering if he'd misheard her but no she'd asked again and after he'd made some stupid remark about eyes **Smooth move that Pearce!** He'd quickly gathered himself together and accepted trying desperately not to sound to eager.

Of course because it was Ruth and with Ruth nothing was ever simple the negotiations had started then. He wanted to pick her up from her house, she'd insisted that she was quite capable of making her own way there, he'd done the whole what if we miss each other scenario, she thought about it for a moment whilst he sipped his tea and finished off his roll before she'd suggested that they share a taxi. Then came the question of who was going to pay, Ruth insisted that as she was the one doing the inviting she would be the one to pay, Harry had seen an opening here and without thinking he'd suggested that she pay for the cinema tickets but that he would pay for them to go for a meal afterwards. Then he sat back and waited for her reaction aware that he might have pushed a little too far a little too soon. But he was rewarded with a big smile from Ruth as she asked "Can I choose where we eat Harry?" He'd readily agreed, Yeah Gods he'd eat in a pie and mash shop in the East End if it meant he could spend more one on one time with the wonderful creature opposite him.

They'd sat facing each other both of them a little stunned at how easy it had been to take the next step, neither of them properly sure what that step was leading to but both of them keen to find out. They didn't speak but that didn't feel strange it just felt calm and right somehow. Yes that was it, it just felt right.

Outside on the Grid Danny had been watching the goings on with interest, after all his future might depend on it, not that he thought for one moment that Harry would post him to some far flung outpost with no running water or WiFi but there was a bloody good chance he could find himself in a white transit van in the middle of a depressing council estate God knew where eavesdropping on baby terrorists. Or even worse seconded to GCHQ were he would be attached by his tender bits to a desk until Harry thought fit to release him!.

No; as he saw it he had a right to know what was going on, vested interest and all that.

"Well he's smiling" he said to no one in particular and not that scary I'm coming to eat you smile either. And did he? Yes he did he laughed! When did any of you last see Harry Pearce laugh. She's a bloody wonder, how does she do it? Hope she puts in a good word for me while she's in there."

If any of his close colleagues had a n opinion on how and why Ruth was able to smooth Harry's ruffled feathers so easily they were not going to share that information with Danny Hunter, he would have to work that out for himself. Fiona did however squeeze Adam's hand as she passed his desk whispering "About time" so softly that only her husband could hear and Malcolm tucked away in his private domain allowed himself a self satisfied smirk.

Of course the peace that had settled like a warm blanket on the Grid simply because Harry Pearce was in a good mood couldn't last and minutes later the pods opened and the Head of Section D - Mi6 along with a couple of minions stepped onto the Grid casting what could only be described as contemptuous glances around him. In a knee jerk reaction everybody to a man and woman (even those who were just filling in that day) moved to remove papers and files from the desks tucking them safely and quickly away in drawers.

If Jules Siviter had seen this automatic reaction to his unwelcome and unexpected arrival he chose to ignore it, instead he crossed the Grid and after a brief, perfunctory knock on Harry's door he entered stationing his flunkies on the Grid to wait for him. As he entered Ruth stood casting a worried glance at Siviter and then at Harry

"Right, I'll look at the latest intel Harry, thanks for your input it certainly helps having another more experienced eye look at the data. I'll get back to you." And with that she exited the office pulling the door firmly behind her.

Siviter moved swiftly with the agility of a cat to sit in the seat that Ruth had vacated wriggling about a little before he said snidely

"The fair Ms. Evershed must have been here for a while Harry this seat is wonderfully warm and the aromas wafting around this side of the office are quite heady! And refreshments too boot! Long _consultation_ was it?"

As Harry saw it he could rise to the bait and get himself embroiled in a tit for tat match with the man sat across the desk from him, one that neither one of them could ultimately win or he could simply ignore the jibe and find out what the irritating pip squeak wanted.

"What in God's name do you want Jules? He asked "Because I have work to do and so do my team. Not enough to do over at Vauxhall Cross? I can find you plenty but maybe what we have to deal with would be a bit out of your comfort zone, a bit beyond your _limited_ remit? So come on man spit it out, what do you want?"

When it became clear that Harry was not going to rise to the bait Siviter decided not to pursue the matter at this time instead filing it away in a dark corner of his devious, shrewd mind. Any information about Harry Pearce might someday prove useful. Who knew even the smallest nugget when added to all the other snippets he had might prove to be the way to pierce the armour that Harry Pearce encased himself in.

Sighing in a dramatic fashion he said "You're just no fun any more Harry, but if you insist down to business then. This bloody inconvenient conference that our _Lords and Masters_ saw fit to set up without a by your leave to any of us in the services. Bloody cheek I call it! Anyway seems my member of that particular cabal is now getting his knickers in a twist because he's scared that your fellow will try to keep him out of the picture and grab any glory that may or may not be going. Don't you just love politicians? Anyway that's the reason for my visit. What can, will you tell me Harry?"

It was Harry's turn to sigh, it was going to be another long day.

That night when everyone including Ruth had gone home Harry sat at his desk troubled by the visit of his opposite number in Six. Many thought Jules Siviter an upper-class buffoon and to a certain degree he was but he was also crafty, perceptive and more than able to play the long game. He was acutely aware that the fact that Ruth was in his office and had been for sometime, that there was evidence that they had eaten together would have been filed into the labyrinth that was Siviter's mind. The man forgot nothing he knew that for a fact because he'd made use of the man himself in the past. No there were certainly reasons for concern there.

He desired, needed Ruth but if **they** were to have any chance as a couple, if they were to have any chance to even take a first step on the road to being a couple they must have some privacy. The likelihood of anyone being foolish enough to try and put a tail on him was remote and if anyone was that foolish he was sure that he would spot it a mile off. No it was something else that worried him but he was pretty damn sure that he knew a man who could help with any difficulties he might have.

"Well Harry this is nice" said Malcolm as he gazed around the pub. "How long has it been since we were here, must be a couple of years don't you think? I hope you plan to eat because I most certainly intend to. The steak and kidney pudding for me I think. What about you?" Harry decided to have the same and they sat and made small talk until two huge plates of food were placed in front of them. Both men tucked in with gusto until Malcolm pushed his plate away

"Just as good as I remember and now I also remember why I don't come here more often. If I were a regular I'd be so large you'd have to move me round on wheels!"

Harry had concurred although he had carried on eating for a while longer until he too had to admit defeat. Pushing his plate away from him he looked at Malcolm not really knowing where to begin

"Malcolm I want to ask you a favour" he said "Feel free to say no, feel free to tell me to sod off, it's just I need some help and you're the first person I thought of, and added to that I trust you implicitly."

Malcolm said nothing he just raised his beer glass at took another drink waiting for Harry to carry on. And carry on he did explaining about his forthcoming outing with Ruth and his fear that they would be traced by the CCTV cameras that were positioned all over London. And getting to the crux of the matter he asked if Malcolm had any ideas as to how he, they could circumnavigate the problem. Malcolm didn't think it was a good time to reinforce Harry's worries by telling him he had already wiped traces of their last _outing_ from CCTV tapes. No that was information best kept to himself for now. And he so wanted Ruth and Harry to have at least half a chance of making this fledgling relationship work.

"I have been working on something Harry, it disrupts any working CCTV camera within a one hundred yard radius of the person using it. It's still in the pro to-type stage but I've used it and it does work. It works very well even if I say so myself."

"And how big is this device Malcolm? I won't have to carry a brief case attached to my wrist all the time we're out will I? Because that might look a tad obvious don't you think?"

"Oh ye of little faith Harry. I might not spend a lot of my leisure time in the company of the opposite sex but I do know enough not to encumber you with equipment the size of a small house! No the _piece of kit_ as Danny would no doubt call it has been miniaturized right down. I can place it in your phone Harry, so as long as you have your phone on you, you'll be covered. Let me have it for an hour tomorrow and I'll run you through how it works. Don't look so worried man! I'll make it simple! Now how's about another pint?"

So it was a very relaxed Harry who was feeling very much at peace with himself and more carefree than he had since he couldn't remember who felt bold enough to reach down and take Ruth's hand in his as the exited the cinema. She looked down as their hands joined and he smiled at her explaining

"It's busy, I don't want you to get lost do I? And after all if we get separated I have no idea where we're eating do I?"

To his great relief Ruth hadn't pulled away from him in fact he fancied that she'd moved a little closer to him. And whether it was his imagination or not it felt good.

As they strolled through the still busy streets of London Ruth teased him saying that she wondered if it would be worth their while going for a meal after all the popcorn and sweets he'd munched his way through as they watched the film. He stopped dead and pulling her towards him he whispered in her ear

"And whose fault is that may I ask? Do you know the last time I saw, never mind tasted a Midget Gem or a Dolly Mixture and where did you find Black Jacks? So you see it's all your fault Ruth. You tempted me and I fell."

For one moment he thought he might have gone to far but to his relief she laughed at him before asking "And the inordinate amount of popcorn that you consumed?

"Well someone had to stop you spoiling your appetite didn't they?

"And you're the man for the job are you Harry?"

Before he could stop himself he replied "I'm the man for any job you fancy Ruth. Your wish is my command. I am here to serve. Just ask and it shall be done!"

 **I know that Jules Siviter's position with Six was never fully explained and that he'd departed the show before Ruth made an appearance but it's suits me to have him here. So I hope it doesn't upset any of you too much!**

 _ **I would also like to thank all the people who took the time to review the last chapter. I was surprised and delighted to receive so many reviews. As I said Thank You to you all ; and please feel free to P.M. Me about anything. (You know who you are) Hope you all enjoy this chapter as much as the last one.**_


	28. Chapter 28

Backfire

Chapter Twenty Eight

Looking at the menu Harry realised that he was out of his comfort zone. When Ruth had pulled him into the restaurant his first reaction was disappointment at the sudden loss of contact with her as she dropped his hand and beckoned him to follow her. It had taken him a moment to scan his surroundings and at first he'd been both horrified and nonplussed to see that the seating appeared to consist of large floor cushions surrounding square tables with short squat legs. Surely she didn't expect him to lose all his dignity in a mad scramble to sink down into low seating that looked non too stable? At the very same moment a small but persistent voice in his head thundered:

 _ **Never mind the getting down! How the fuck are you going to get up again!**_

He was still trying to work out what his next move would be when Ruth grasped his hand once more

"Come on Harry, through to the back, I don't know about you but I'm past sitting on the floor to eat; mind you the look on your face was priceless! I think it must have mirrored mine the first time I came here!"

He'd gladly followed her through a decorated arch into the dining area at the back of the room which was elegantly decorated in rich dark tones with low tables set with crisp white cloths that added an air of sophistication making the ambiance totally different from the front of the restaurant. And thank goodness there were _real_ tables and chairs but Ruth lead him to the very back of the space that had cushion strewn banquettes along the wall so that people could enjoy a more relaxed experience. Ruth chose to curl up on the banquette and whilst he would have loved to join her he decided against it, going instead for the chair the waiter pulled out for him.

But now the menu had once more wrong footed him. Coughing softly to draw Ruth's attention he said

"Well it would seem that I'm in your hands entirely Ruth, I've never eaten Moroccan food before so whatever you decide is fine with me."

She'd raised her eyes from the menu and looked at him. He really finds it hard to ask for help she thought even something as small as admitting you don't understand a menu is so hard for him. And suddenly going off on a tangent she found herself wondering about Harry's social life of late. Oh she knew that he attended numerous functions, formal receptions, balls and the like but they were always attended because of a sense of obligation, duty being the prime motive for his attendance. And even though she felt a deal of shame even to admit to herself that she'd done it, she'd checked to see if he was seeing anyone, had even checked CCTV footage to see what he did of an evening and the answer was he went home; alone. Harry Peace it seemed very rarely to do anything just for the pleasure of the experience and it made her feel, well she wasn't quite sure what she was feeling exactly. She certainly felt a warmth towards him because of the trust that he was placing in her and in some way that made her feel a responsibility towards him because it also felt as though he had given her a special gift. That gift being a glimpse of who and what Harry Pearce was, could be given the right encouragement and circumstances.

No Harry Pearce far from being the social man about town that many supposed him to be was a very solitary man, the occasional drink with Malcolm being his only companionable activity as far as she could tell, and she would bet a weeks wages that even then they discussed problems to do with work. Well not tonight she thought, tonight is going to be about enjoyment, about just having a good time, they'd managed it in the cinema and she was positive she could make that enjoyment last.

"Come and join me Harry" she said patting the seat beside her "And we can go through the menu together and decide what we fancy. How does that sound to you?"

Sitting close beside her in the semi-darkness of the restaurant Harry felt a strange kind of peace descend on him. No one, he was almost positive knew where they were, they were just two people out for a meal; together. He decided then and there that together might well be his favourite word ever.

Ruth took him through the menu and they decided to share a Mixed Mezze as a starter followed by Kefta Tagine with Saffron Rice and Couscous Royale. Harry was pleased that when the waiter handed him the wine list he was able to recognise some of the wines on offer and he ordered a bottle of Barlo Patre to compliment the meal.

The meal turned into a wonderful experience for Harry, the food was amazing, tasty and savoury with more than a hint of fruitiness about it. The perfect combination of piquancy and comfort in fact. Ruth had encouraged him to try eating with his hands, well hand really reminding him that it was etiquette to use the thumb and first two fingers of the right hand only and he had a go, though he did quickly abandon it in favour of a spoon and fork. Ruth had laughed at his efforts teasing him when he picked up the spoon saying he should leave her some food as she'd already missed out big time on the popcorn and sweets!

As they pushed their plates away from them Ruth remarked with a sigh "Well I don't think that I'll need to eat again for a week! That was just so good and the wine was just perfect, you chose well Harry."

"As was the company" he replied as he squeezed her hand. They looked at one another, both feeling the tingling that the touch had generated. "Ruth" Harry began before the waiter appeared before them enquiring if they were okay or did they require something else? Harry snatched his hand away like a little boy caught with his hand in the biscuit barrel and it suddenly becoming all about requesting the bill and asking for their coats. And so the moment was gone.

At the same time Ruth was arguing with herself, she wanted to see more of Harry away from work She was positive about that now. She admired, looked up to the Harry who inhabited the Grid and that admiration was in spite of her awareness of his faults but she felt herself inextricably drawn towards the Harry Pearce that seemed to be revealing himself layer by tantalising layer. Was he conscious that he was doing this she wondered, was he playing a game with her? After all his reputation suggested that he was a past master at the art of seduction but if that was the case surely he would have made a move by now? No she thought: hoped that she was seeing the real Harry Pearce and that Harry was looking for a friend as much as anything. Well she could be that friend and if friendship led to other things she knew now that she would not be wholly averse to that.

As they left the restaurant Ruth was aware that Harry was pulling back within himself in what she had come to recognise as his _fail safe_ position and she knew without a shadow of a doubt that if she didn't do something Harry would put her in a taxi and the evening would come to an end before either of them were ready for that to happen. Without thinking about it she grabbed hold of his hand saying

"Come on Harry we're not far from The Embankment and I think that a walk would do us both the world of good. Walk off some of the meal and I know of a little kiosk up river that sells the most wonderful organic ice cream. What do you say?"

"So Ruth we walk a for a while to force the food down and then when we've made room we fill the space with ice cream? Your mind and your logic never fail to amaze me Ruth! Let's go for it!"

Half an hour later they found themselves sitting on bench overlooking a small landscaped area, one of the many patches of green that were dotted all around central London, places that offered tiny oasis of calm to those who lived and worked in the city.

"This is very nice" Harry remarked as he licked the delicious ice cream before it melted down the cone.

"Told you. It's some of the best I've ever tasted. I really don't come here often enough."

"I'm not talking about the ice cream Ruth, though it's very good" he replied "I'm talking about this" and he waved his arm around to encompass the small patch of tranquillity they'd created for themselves. "You make me think I'm a better person than I am Ruth, you must know something of the things that I've done, am doing and will be forced to do in the future but you don't seem to judge, I feel that I can let my guard down around you Ruth and that's a priceless gift. Thank you."

Ruth wasn't sure what her reply should be, he didn't seem to be declaring any sort of romantic interest in her, he was simply thanking her for her friendship, friendship that she gave gladly and wholeheartedly. So in answer she simply squeezed his hand tightly and smiled at him.

They sat for a while longer finishing their ice cream and watching the world go by though Harry had begun to worry about the fact that they had been stationary for so long. Someone was bound to notice that the CCTV camera located to their left was malfunctioning and send someone to investigate. No; wonderful though this interlude was; time to move on.

"Come on lazy bones" he teased as her pulled Ruth to her feet "More calories to burn off now, and you know how I like to watch my weight" he said as he patted his amble mid-drift with his other hand.

As they made there way back along the Embankment Harry said softly "What are you doing Sunday Ruth? Because I would like to take you for a good old fashioned Sunday lunch, you know Roast Rib of Beef with all the trimmings. We've been very cosmopolitan up to now but I think we need to be reminded of our roots? I know this wonderful pub just outside Windsor that does the best Yorkshire Pudding you have ever tasted. Please say yes Ruth."

Ruth had been happily listening to the sound of Harry's voice as it washed over her like a warm summer breeze, concentrating just enough to understand that he was asking her out again and she was most surely going to accept until she heard the word **Windsor** and then in an instant she was transported back to the wonderful day she had spent in Windsor Great Park with Hugh, the day that she'd told him what she did for a living. The day that the man who would become her husband had accepted her for what she was: a lying, cheating spy and she felt her heart contract and breath hard to come by. What was she doing. How could she ever contemplate a future without Hugh?


	29. Chapter 29

Backfire

Chapter Twenty Nine

Harry didn't even take his jacket off before he poured himself a large,a very large single malt which he necked straight down. Pausing only to pick up the bottle he flung himself into his favourite chair and attempted to work out where things had gone so bloody wrong!

The cinema had been a delight, they'd fought like children over the sweets and popcorn. Ruth protesting in a hushed whisper when he'd made a great show of popping the last dolly mixture in his mouth and then laughing into her hand when he'd stuck his tongue out at her in triumph! He'd acted like a bloody school boy for Christ's sake and he'd loved it. She made him feel cleaner than he could ever remember in all his adult life, it was a though she could see that there was still some good in him however deeply it was buried.

During the meal he'd shared with her the fact that he'd seen the film before, had seen it in nineteen sixty eight when he was sixteen. He was not sure why he'd told her that, maybe he pondered it was to see what her reaction would be to the confirmation that he was so much older than she was. After all it was one thing to know something but quite another to have it confirmed in black and white. She'd made no comment about his age just urged him to tell her about his outing to the pictures and he'd confessed that he'd taken an "older woman" Jenny Simpson who was nearly eighteen and had just split up with her boyfriend. In the end it turned out that Jenny had just been using him to get at her ex and the evening had been a bit of a disaster. He'd tried it on and got his face slapped and to add to his complete humiliation when they exited the cinema Jenny's father was waiting for them. It had been his first "grown up" encounter with the fair sex and it had been to the gauche sixteen year old that he was then a hard lesson to learn. And he'd been learning hard lessons about the opposite sex ever since. But the problem was he was still no wiser about the subject now than he had been all those years ago!

Pouring himself another large one he allowed some of the warming amber nectar to slide down his throat as he played back the last part of the evening. They had been so relaxed together, their conversation so spontaneous that he'd felt somehow taken out of himself and fool that he was he'd decided that it must be time to give the _relationship_ a bit of a nudge. As they sat on the bench enjoying their ice creams he'd decided that he would kiss her goodnight when he dropped her off. Not just a peck on the cheek but a proper kiss on the lips. A lovers kiss. He knew that he was playing with fire as he wasn't sure that if she returned the kiss he would be able to control himself but he had to take the risk. He needed to know if she would do a _Jenny_ and slap his face. But when he'd asked her to see him again in the blink of an eyes it had all changed. She'd suddenly distanced herself from him reverting to the Ruth who was not comfortable in his presence, the Ruth who worried her nails, the Ruth who couldn't look him in the eye, the Ruth who he was sure he unsettled and unnerved and not in an enjoyable way!

He had to make it right between them but if he didn't know what he'd done what was he to do? She hadn't given him chance to ask what was wrong,she'd been up and hailing a cab almost before he had time to react throwing over her shoulder as she stepped into the vehicle "I'll ring you Harry. Thank you for a lovely evening." and then she gone leaving him standing on the pavement like a spare prick at a wedding!

Once again she'd wrong footed him and there was nothing he could do but wait to see what her next move would be. He just hoped that it would all be worth it!

 _Ruth was having an equally hard time as she poured herself yet another glass of wine. What a bloody fool,she'd been. Her knee jerk reaction had taken even her by surprise. And she shuddered as she remembered the look on Harry's face as she'd left him standing on the pavement. He'd looked so lost, so alone and she now felt so guilty. But it had been the mention of Windsor that had caught her so much by surprise._

 _Windsor had been, was and always would be a very special place to her. It was a place that always made her think of Hugh. Since his death she'd been back many times to relive that precious day they'd spent there. She would spread a blanket on the grass and lay there looking at the clouds as they scudded by pretending that Hugh was next to her and all she had to do was reach out and take his hand. She knew that it was not a healthy thing to do but if it helped with the grieving process why not? And the last time she'd made the pilgrimage she had found herself smiling almost as much as she'd cried so surely that was a sign that she was, oh what was that dreadful expression people used when they were trying to be comforting and helpful? Oh yes "Moving on" what a bloody stupid meaningless phrase that was. What did it mean?_

 _She had begun to doubt that she would be content to live the rest of her life in mourning. After all she was now very aware that she was not immune to the appeals of other men. Be honest with yourself she scolded there was only one man whose attractions she noticed, only one man who unsettled her._

 _The more she thought about it the more confused she became and there was nobody who she could talk to about her predicament, talking to her mother would just end in probing questions about her life and a lecture on how she should live that life! And one of the conversations that she endured the last time she'd been in Exeter came back to bite her on the bum!_

" _I know you really loved Hugh my darling but it is possible to love again you know. Hugh will always be part of you of course but you have no children to consider Ruth, you've only yourself to think of. And speaking of children, well darling your body clock is ticking you know and well I'll be honest being a grandmother is one of my greatest wishes. After seeing you settled and happy that is"_

 _She'd tried to put her mother off as she always did not liking the fact that with a mother's intuition she always seemed to cut away all the flannel and avoidance and see right into her heart..Maybe it was because she needed to vocalise her growing affection for Harry or maybe it was because she needed to let her mother know that she was not the sad lonely woman who sat home every night; whatever it was she found herself telling her mother about their trip to the museum and then before she could stop herself she found that she was embroidering the tale. Turning the nights they shared on the Grid into dates. Even as she was talking she could hear the voice in her head saying **Stop this nonsense! Stop it now!** But her mother had been well and truly drawn into the fantasy,and whilst not being sold on Harry as a prospective suitor "Too old, too experienced, too chunky dear" had been her assessment! She did think he might make a very good stepping stone on the path to **serious** dating._

 _She had of course protested, stating that Harry was her boss and just being kind because he knew that she was struggling. But she hadn't been able to stop herself telling her mother that he was neither old, nor was he chunky. The experienced bit she couldn't argue with!_

 _Pouring herself another glass of wine she found her mind wandering back to early that evening, not to the pictures or the restaurant but to the bench set in that little patch of green and the wonderful feeling of calm and tranquillity that had overtaken them both. They had been so together in that moment that she could still feel residues of the peace they'd found and in spite of the apprehension that still bedevilled her she felt her heart warming to Harry and she had wondered what it would feel like if he kissed her._

 _And then it had all be ruined by her idiocy!_

 _Looking at her watch she saw that it was not quite midnight, late but if she didn't do something now she knew that in the cold light of day, when the buzz of the wine had worn off her courage might well fail her. Picking up her phone she selected the first number on her auto dial and waited. It rang just twice before it was answered, not waiting for him to speak she babbled_

" _Harry, I was so rude to you earlier. I shot off without giving you an answer to your question about lunch on Sunday. Well, if the offer is still open I'd love to, only if you don't mind not Windsor. I'll explain it all to you when I see you, I promise I will."_

 **Good place to leave it I think. Many thanks to all of you who are still reading this and especial thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review! Reviews are just wonderful things to receive!**


	30. Chapter 30

Backfire

Chapter Thirty

Harry suggested a walk after their lunch, it seemed to him the best thing to do. Something had shifted between them and he was desperate to shift it back again. Ruth's phone call on Friday night had pulled him back from the edge of despair and given him hope. She'd sounded so young, so vulnerable that it had taken him all the self control he possessed not to jump in his car and drive over to her house just make sure that she was all right. As it was he contained his joy, keeping it close to himself ,savouring the satisfaction that she wanted to continue to see him away from the confines of the Grid and the barriers that it placed between them.

Saturday had been productive, he'd risen early as he always did but with a bit of a spring in his step, he felt younger, fresher than he could ever remember and all because he was going to spend a day with Ruth. He knew where he was going to take her, he hoped that she would love it as much as he did.

Much of the day was occupied with making sure that security arrangements were in place. He didn't want to take his car, it was too well known and he was very aware that the many cameras set up on Britain's roads had probably been programmed to record when and where he travelled in his vehicle. No he needed another means of transport so he did something he hadn't done in quite a while; he used public transport to take him to the other side of London. Getting out of his house unseen was not a problem; some years earlier using a false identity he'd purchased the property that backed directly on to his and after he'd cut a carefully concealed gateway though the boundary fence he was able to come and go as he pleased.

On reflection he wasn't sure if it was perceived necessity or habit that made him take such precautions but it was a small price to pay to keep his private life private for a long as he could. So he took a circular route, hopping on and off buses, switching tube trains and at one point hailing a cab only to have it stop almost immediately before he hailed another. Which ever it was it made his journey longer and more torturous than it should have been but he was completely sure that by the time he reached his objective he was not being followed. So after hiring a car, paying in cash at a small independent dealership not attached to one of the big conglomerates he drove it to a multi-storey car park where he left it to be picked up the next morning.

If Ruth noticed the car he was driving was not his she chose not to comment, indeed she was very quiet, mute almost as they drove out of London and headed out through the Kent countryside. The silence between them was becoming almost deafening and he had been oddly relieved when she asked if she could put the car radio on searching through the stations she finally settled on Desert Island Discs on Radio Four and they'd both been grateful for the discussion that the guests choice of music and reading material had generated.

Harry hadn't been surprised to find that one of the books that Ruth would choose was Jane Eyre but then there was quite a heated exchange concerning her choice of the complete works of Homer and if it could be described as a single book. She'd pouted and cast her eyes down in such a way that he knew he was being played but she looked so adorable that he'd given in to her on the understanding that he could take Winston Churchill's A History of the English Speaking Peoples and then he'd found himself confessing that he would most probably take Tom Brown's School Days, no doubt he thought confirming her perception of him as a stuffy, middle aged bore.

Nicely played there Pearce he'd thought as he berated himself; that's a sure way to make yourself appear as exciting and interesting as you can!

Lunch had been as every bit as good as he remembered and although Ruth did seem to be a bit preoccupied he managed to draw her out a little by asking her which pieces of music she'd take with her to the "Desert Island". She chosen as he expected and he'd been happy to hear her include The Planet Suite and well as his favourite aria from Madame Butterfly and joy of joys he'd made her eyebrows raise and her lips twitch when he'd slipped a couple of heavy metal tracks into his list. Yes that had felt good, it had felt very good to let her know that there was more to him than was at first obvious.

And now they were walking (hand in hand again he noticed) along a raised pathway through sand dunes. To their right dunes softly undulated down to the beach and then to the sea and on their left more dunes dipped down quite steeply to an unadopted road rarely used. The beach was deserted and the road quiet. They could have been the only two people in the world.

 _Ruth had been watching out of her window waiting for Harry to arrive. It seemed to her that they had past another milestone on their mutual journey. Harry had not asked, he'd told her he would pick her up in his car, he'd stressed that so there could be no ambiguity. True he'd paused after he'd said it no doubt waiting for her to protest but oddly she'd not even thought about protesting. She was going out for Sunday lunch with Harry and he was driving. All perfectly normal._

 _Since he picked her up she'd been waiting for a chance to explain herself to him but that chance had just not materialised. The air between them had been strained; at first he seemed to be waiting for her to speak, to explain as she'd promised she would and she, well she was trying to formulate what she would say because she still didn't really know what it was she wanted to say. Should she be completely honest with him or should she leave things unsaid?_

 _She'd been pleased that she'd been able to lift the mood a little by such a simple and mundane thing as putting the radio on. Her choice of Desert Island Discs proved fortuitous as it sparked lively debate relieving the strain between them as they bickered back and forth about their choices. The friendly sparring continued over a lunch as good as Harry had promised and by the time they'd left the pub she'd felt comfortable enough to take Harry's hand as he suggested a walk._

 _But know she really wanted, no needed to talk to him. To explain why she'd bolted on Friday night. But how to start? Did she just jump in feet first and risk making a complete and utter fool of herself or did she wait until there was a natural moment that she could take advantage of._

 _In the meantime she was just enjoying the freedom of being out of London and away from the Grid and all it's latent problems. She still enjoyed her work, still felt a certain amount of pride that she could make a difference however small but she'd also come to understand that there was more to life than the sterile existence that the Grid offered. And there lay her biggest problem, she'd come to acknowledge and accept at least to herself that she was attracted to Harry and she thought that he was attracted to her but would mutual attraction be enough? Would it turn into some sordid little affair conducted in hotel rooms or lonely safe houses that Harry had access to. And if that was what was on offer what followed after the first excitement of passion was gone, when reality set in and it was impossible for them to do simple mundane things like shopping together. She had guessed this morning when Harry turned up in a strange car that he was already taking steps to keep their outings secret. And that concerned her._

 _Was he just looking for no strings attached sex? And if he was did she want to go down that path? She had a feeling that Harry Pearce would not be the one to broach the subject and she could feel the tension in his body growing the longer she kept quiet. Taking a deep breath she said_

" _Harry shall we make our way back to the car. We really do need to talk."_

Harry Pearce was not a man known for his self restraint. Oh he could stall and prevaricate with the best of them. Could look anyone in the eye, stare them down until they became increasingly uncomfortable and finally broke telling him everything that he needed to know. And if that course of action should fail there were always other **methods** that could be used. But here and now neither of those roads were open to him. Ruth had to be the one to open the dialogue. Her silence worried him. He'd been optimistic this morning but as their time together went on he was becoming less and less sure. He began weighing up in his mind what he thought she was going to say.

The first option was the worst. She would say that she liked and respected him and that she hoped they could be friends! Bloody friends, if only she knew, if only he could tell her what his true feeling towards her were.

The second option was little better. She would tell him, no this was Ruth, she would imply in a subtle and lady like manner that she was willing to have a no strings attached affair with him. That they could carry on seeing each other away from the Grid but that it must be kept a secret. And to him that suggested that she didn't care for him, that she was ashamed to admit that there could be a connection of a personal nature between them. His inner voice told him that this option was the least likely as the Ruth he knew and loved was not the kind of woman to participate in anything as sordid as a furtive as a secret affair.

Then there was the option that he hoped for. She would tell him that she had feelings for him, feelings that were not only those of gratitude and friendship, she would tell him that she was willing to let him court her. What a quaint old fashioned term that was but he found himself smiling briefly when he thought about it. More dates at the cinema, more meals and country walks, stolen kisses. Yes that's what he wanted more than anything. He was prepared for her to say that she needed them to keep it to themselves for the time being. That might be fun in the short term but it was not a long term solution. He, they would not be able to keep the relationship secret forever and he would need to protect her and the best way for him to do that would be for them to be seen as a couple, for it to be acknowledged that she was under his protection and the protection of Section D.

Unexpectedly he walked into Ruth nearly knocking her off balance. "Did you hear what I said Harry?" she said "I asked if you fancied going back to the car so that we can talk."

Going back to the car was the last thing that he wanted right now so he said "Do you really want to go back and sit in a stuffy car Ruth? Come on I'll find us somewhere much better."

And with that he tugged at her hand pulling her down the gentle gradient towards the sea. Veering off to his right he guided them towards a gentle dip he spotted in the dunes. It was covered in marram grass, offering the promise of a soft place to sit. "Here we are" he offered "Nice and private, sheltered as well and we can't be seen from either the road or the beach." And with that he sat himself down offering his hand to her in a gesture that asked her to join him.

"Ruth looked at him with not a little amusement "Can I just get this straight in my head Harry, you want me to sit with you in the middle of these sand dunes? Harry it's not very practical is it? Surely the sand will get everywhere?"

And before he could stop himself he heard himself answering

"Only if we take our clothes off Ruth."


	31. Chapter 31

Backfire

Chapter Thirty One

From his perch amongst the sand dunes Harry looked across at Ruth, he was looking at her back because as soon as they'd both comprehended the crass, stupid words he'd uttered she'd turned away from him fixing all her attention on the horizon. Her shoulders were hunched; almost as though she were crying and he was paralysed, torn between rushing to her, taking her in his arms and apologising or and this seemed to him to be the better choice, making light of the whole thing, passing it off as a bad joke, even though he knew that he'd be plagued by dreams of them making love on the sand for weeks, months to come.

Or of course he could do what he had always done when faced with a woman whose tears he'd caused. Ignore it, pretend that it wasn't happening, wait until they pulled themselves together so that he wouldn't have to cope with the emotions that his actions had generated. **Oh yes,** his inner voice mocked **and that's always worked wonderfully well in the past hasn't it?**

So before he knew he was doing it he had risen from the sand , ignoring the pain in his knee as he stood, moving towards her until he was standing behind her, not to close as to spook her but close enough that he could rest his hands on her shoulders.

"Ruth" he whispered to her, using the voice that he'd used oh so many moons ago before she'd taken up with Hugh Logan, the time when he'd been making his first inept attempts to woo her. "Ruth I'm so …..."

He stopped as Ruth turned to face him, her eyes sparkling but not with tears Thank God! But with amusement "Can I ask you a question Harry?" without waiting for his reply she carried swiftly on "Was that line your own or did you pick it up from the James Bond Anthology of Tried and Tested Seduction Techniques? And her face broke into a huge grin and he watched in astonishment as she began to chuckle to herself.

"Come and sit down?" he coaxed her as he took off his jacket, stopping suddenly as he saw the look of hilarity on her face became even more pronounced!.

"No! No!" he protested quickly "I thought that you could sit on my jacket, that you'd be more comfortable, that's all. Nothing else, you keep all your clothes on, please don't feel that you have to take anything off. Unless you want to of course, if you're feeling hot I mean...Oh Shit!"

Taking pity on him Ruth plucked the garment from his fingers and placing it carefully on the grass lining side down she lowered herself onto it patting the to the side of her indicating that she wanted Harry to join her. But it seemed that she hadn't finished torturing him.

"How on earth Harry did you get your reputation as such a womaniser?Good God Harry! I've heard better lines from spotty teenagers."

"To my shame Ruth I don't think that you know half of it. And as to corny lines, well it's because I'm nervous. Spending time with you is important to me , I don't have many, any true friends and I'm always scared that I'm going to put my big foot in my mouth and then of course I do. The others were easy Ruth, they didn't mean anything, they were just part of the job or just quick, no strings attached gratification. Not at all proud to be saying that Ruth but there we are. But please you wanted to talk to me. Do you feel able to do it here or after my almighty gaff shall we go back to the car? Would you feel more comfortable there?"

Ruth looked around her, they were seated in a hollow so that they couldn't be seen from either the beach or the road but Harry with his innate ability born of many years in the service had chosen a place so that they would see if anyone was approaching them from any direction.

"No Harry, this is fine. I just ask one thing of you. Please let me talk? Because well, because I need to get things out in the open, to explain things to you."

Receiving no reply she carried on

" I bolted on Friday night Harry because you mentioned Windsor, Windsor was a very special place to Hugh an I. We'd go there a lot and just walk and talk about our future together about what we'd do when he came back from Afghanistan. It was in Windsor Great Park that we discussed seriously for the first time the possibility of children."

They were sitting very close to one another their shoulders touching and when she mentioned the word childrenshe felt his body stiffen and for a moment she questioned the sanity of continuing with the conversation but she knew in her heart of hearts that there was no going back. That what had been started needed to be finished.

"That was where we had our first real argument; Hugh was not someone you could really argue with, he was a very calm, laid back person. It took an awful lot to rile him and even then it was over before it had begun but the last time we went to Windsor we really did disagree. You see he wanted us to try for a baby before he went away, as soon as , well even before we were married. I wasn't so keen, oh I liked, agreed with the idea of us having children but told him that I wanted to wait until he came back from Afghanistan. That I didn't fancy the idea of being pregnant whilst he was away. And if I'm being honest, at that time I wasn't quite ready to give up my job and my independence because I knew that Hugh wanted, expected me to be a stay at home mother."

She shifted a little trying to get more comfortable and Harry put his arm around her shoulders to try and steady her a little as she shifted about.

"You don't have to..."

"No Harry please, this is something that I've never shared with anyone else and it would really help if you can bear with me? Anyway like I said Hugh was not one for arguments, not like you Harry! None of the full and frank exchange of ideas that we participate in!"

And she said in a soft voice more to herself than Harry in manner that suggested that she had only just thought of it "I suppose that the lack of that sort of interaction could wear one down after a while."

"Where was I" she continued "Oh yes Windsor, well the upshot was that we had a blazing row, our worst ever. Hugh accused me of being selfish, of putting my needs and the needs of the service before him and what he wanted. It got quite unpleasant and I seem to remember him shouting something about if you'd asked me to have a baby I'd have fallen over myself to oblige. You know silly things like that. Things that people say in the heat of the moment. But then he went away and never came back and I'm left here with just memories and regrets. And I find myself totally at odds with myself Harry, I could have had something, someone to remind me of Hugh, something tangible but I still think that deep down I made the right choice but it's so hard to live with sometimes. And that's why I acted the way I did on Friday night."

They said nothing for a while but Harry noticed that Ruth had not moved from his embrace, had not moved his protective arm from around her shoulders. It was so calm and peaceful here it could quite possibly be the most content and relaxed he had ever been. But somehow he knew that it was beholding on him to break the silence and assure Ruth that she had nothing to chastise herself for. That she had made the right decision.

"I can't comment really can I Ruth?" he began "You did what you felt was right at the time and honestly do you think that Hugh would want you to beat yourself up for that decision. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be Ruth. Sometimes we decide things that do change our lives for ever and we have to live with the consequences. I don't know what to tell you to make you feel better.I can't tell you anything that will make you feel better. Sometimes we make choices that make an impact on our lives that we never expected. They shape who we are and who we become and the best that we can do is live with it and if at all possible learn from it. There's a saying Ruth that I keep with me at all times,"

And reaching down he removed his wallet from the inside pocket of his jacket, Ruth watched closely as he removed a small laminated that he handed to her without saying another word. On examining the card she saw that it was plain except for the words embossed in heavy black ink:-

" _ **What doesn't kill us makes us stronger"**_

"Do you really believe that Harry?" she asked as she handed the card back, watching closely as he slotted it back, she thought she spied a couple of photographs and she longed to ask him about them but she didn't telling herself they were most likely pictures of his children and she didn't want to pry into a subject that she knew was painful for him.

Sitting forward after he'd replaced the wallet, his arms clasped around his knees, eyes watching the incoming tide Harry spoke without turning to face her

"Over the years Ruth I've come to accept that I can't change everything that I want to change, nothing but nothing is ever what you hope it will be. You learn to accept what you can't change however unpalatable that might be. If I hadn't learnt that I'd be locked up somewhere, crawling the walls and dribbling. We survive or we perish Ruth, it's as simple as that."

"Is that really how you've survived Harry?" Ruth asked, finding that talking to his back was most disconcerting.

"Yes; because I had no choice Ruth, I seem to have a propensity towards survival. Unfortunately it's not a gift that I've been able to pass on to others. But it's the nature of the beast isn't it? Death and destruction. I had hopes of salvation but..."

And standing abruptly he moved as far away from her as their present surroundings allowed.

She found herself propelled towards him in spite of herself, he sounded so tired, so defeated. Turning him with a light touch on his shoulder she had the urge to step back as they made eye contact. She knew she should remove her hand from his forearm where it now rested but she didn't move, his eyes were dark pools and the look in them made her breath catch in her throat. It was like nothing she had ever seen before, it seemed to go right through her. Her insides flipped and she was forcibly made very aware of how close they were to one another, how alone they were.

When she thought back to this moment she would swear that she had felt the heat radiating from his skin, he seemed so vulnerable at that moment. He seemed quite unlike the Harry Pearce she knew, had known. It was as if barriers that had once been there had been broken down completely, showing the true spirit of the man in front of her. It was both overwhelming and beautiful. Here was a man full of kindness, gentleness and love and yet he had been forced by circumstance to hide it away and in that moment she glimpsed what it had cost him to force his feeling to lay dormant for so long.

How much hurt, she wondered had he endured, more than she could imagine obviously and it touched her to see it written so plainly on his face. Perhaps, he had not meant to show it? But seeing it filled her with such purpose as if somehow, in this private moment, only she could sooth the turmoil that consumed him. She hadn't meant for this to happen, hadn't meant to intrude, hadn't meant to make him so exposed. But standing there before him only one path seemed open to her.

As if reading her mind, he opened his arms and she stepped into his embrace. She had thought to comfort him but instead she found herself comforted by the strength of his encircling arms and the wonderful solidness of his frame as it pressed against hers. Perhaps she reflected later they had comforted each other? Tears filled her eyes though she couldn't explain why she felt the need to cry. Whatever it was to be there in his arms was to know peace and security, she felt completely safe for the first time in an age and she melted into him.

 **Well that's as far as I got last time I posted this story. I couldn't decide then if it was worth carrying on or if it suited the story and the characters to leave it there.**

 **I'd like to say "Thank You" to everyone who has read this and especially to those of you who have taken the time to review. Each review is treasured believe you me.**

 **So there we leave them in each other's arms in a moment of calm. Shall I leave them there ? Or is the story worth some more chapters?**


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